Hypothetical: Enter the witness protection program here.

[Rain Man]

State your interest and I will assign you a new life, along with that of your real or hypothetical spouse.

Here's mine:

Male name: BRYON
Female name: PAMELA
Surname: BARLOW
Location: Winnebago County, Iowa
Male occupation: Audio-Visual and Multimedia Collections Specialists
Annual Salary: $39,500
Female occupation: Tellers
Annual Salary: $31,700
Your Main Hobby: Astrology
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Skiing

I wish they had assigned me a first name with a standard spelling, but my new job sounds okay. Kind of a cold place to live, though.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by lewdog

I had a run-in with some Mexicans near Trump's wall. Need out of Dodge....and quick!

We're going to get you out of there and to a much kinder and gentler place. Maybe some place near Pittsburgh.

Try saying "Juana Woodruff" quickly three times.

Male name: SCOTTIE
Female name: JUANA
Surname: WOODRUFF
Location: Washington County, Pennsylvania
Male occupation: Surgical Technologists
Annual Salary: $52,300
Female occupation: Chemical Technicians
Annual Salary: $55,700
Your Main Hobby: Archery
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Watching movies

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by big nasty kcnut

I'm in.

You will become a car stereo installer outside Dayton, and your wife will be the person who changes the light bulbs atop radio antennas. That's a fun life.

However, you two should really find more productive hobbies.

Male name: SAUL
Female name: ELNORA
Surname: CLINKSCALES
Location: Clark County, Ohio
Male occupation: Electronic Equipment Installers and Repairers, Motor Vehicles
Annual Salary: $23,700
Female occupation: Radio, Cellular, and Tower Equipment Installers and Repairers
Annual Salary: $39,000
Your Main Hobby: Watching television
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Driving

[BWillie]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

Laramie is a nice place. You might enjoy it. But then again, your new hobby may indicate that you don't appreciate a good challenge.

Male name: AVERY
Female name: SELENA
Surname: SOMMERVILLE
Location: Albany County, Wyoming
Male occupation: Hotel, Motel, and Resort Desk Clerks
Annual Salary: $24,300
Female occupation: Chemists
Annual Salary: $42,600
Your Main Hobby: Coloring
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Wikipedia editing*

24K a year and "coloring". FML. If I see a murder, I ain't snitchin now.

[Steron]

I'd like a new life.....

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Steron

I'd like a new life.....

Your wife is a gambling football fan. She seems fun. I'm less interested in seeing your large cockroach collection.

Male name: VITO
Female name: JANET
Surname: WINES
Location: Lewis County, West Virginia
Male occupation: Multimedia Artists and Animators
Annual Salary: $50,300
Female occupation: Gaming Dealers
Annual Salary: $19,000
Your Main Hobby: Insect collecting
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: American football

[Dave Lane]

I rooted some major ruskie DoS servers. I got the goods but now they are looking at puttin me 6 feet under.

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Dave Lane

I rooted some major ruskie DoS servers. I got the goods but now they are looking at puttin me 6 feet under.

You'd better hope they don't find you at your new job or you'll become part of some building foundation. But you seem safe with this low-key lifestyle.

Male name: RICARDO
Female name: RUBY
Surname: ROUTH
Location: Greensville County, Virginia
Male occupation: Cement Masons and Concrete Finishers
Annual Salary: $24,900
Female occupation: Couriers and Messengers
Annual Salary: $28,800
Your Main Hobby: Antiquing
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Kitesurfing

[Mr. Kotter]

Hit me...I released Trump's tax records to the DNC

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Mr. Kotter

Hit me...I released Trump's tax records to the DNC

We're going to have to send you deep into hiding to a place where the local population will protect you devoutly. That will be, of course, the Bay Area where you will raise your own honey and have a gay-friendly name.

Male name: PETER
Female name: CELIA
Surname: TROTT
Location: Contra Costa County, California
Male occupation: Real Estate Sales Agents
Annual Salary: $34,600
Female occupation: First-Line Supervisors of Retail Sales Workers
Annual Salary: $24,700
Your Main Hobby: Beekeeping
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Polo

[RobBlake]

My wife's family is racist and I saw her brother put ricin in her grand fathers coffee.. get me the hell out

[Ming the Merciless]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

I bet you and your wife will have to feign very strong interest in gold and silver coins.

Male name: ROBIN
Female name: ANNMARIE
Surname: HAMPSON
Location: Davis County, Iowa
Male occupation: Industrial Machinery Mechanics
Annual Salary: $63,500
Female occupation: Personal Care Aides
Annual Salary: $29,400
Your Main Hobby: Coin collecting
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Element collecting

im wondering how you collect elements..is that like as in hydrogen, helium etc...?? lol

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by RobBlake

My wife's family is racist and I saw her brother put ricin in her grand fathers coffee.. get me the hell out

If they're intolerant, we'll taunt them by giving you the name Miguel and making you a fashion designer. It'll be a blind spot for them when they look for you.

Male name: MIGUEL
Female name: HESTER
Surname: ROURKE
Location: Iberia Parish, Louisiana
Male occupation: Fashion Designers
Annual Salary: $36,000
Female occupation: Musical Instrument Repairers and Tuners
Annual Salary: $52,600
Your Main Hobby: Woodworking
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Kite flying

[Fishpicker]

I blew the whistle on a hospital that committed medicare fraud. I dont want to go into hiding. I think its overkill

[Rain Man]

Originally Posted by Fishpicker

I blew the whistle on a hospital that committed medicare fraud. I dont want to go into hiding. I think its overkill

The health care system is the most dangerous cabal of them all. We need to get you out of there, stat! And perhaps you can make a documentary about it.


Male name: BOOKER
Female name: LADONNA
Surname: PUTMAN
Location: Watonwan County, Minnesota
Male occupation: Producers and Directors
Annual Salary: $74,400
Female occupation: Web Developers
Annual Salary: $96,600
Your Main Hobby: Racquetball
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Whittling

[big nasty kcnut]

Originally Posted by Rain Man

You will become a car stereo installer outside Dayton, and your wife will be the person who changes the light bulbs atop radio antennas. That's a fun life.

However, you two should really find more productive hobbies.

Male name: SAUL
Female name: ELNORA
Surname: CLINKSCALES
Location: Clark County, Ohio
Male occupation: Electronic Equipment Installers and Repairers, Motor Vehicles
Annual Salary: $23,700
Female occupation: Radio, Cellular, and Tower Equipment Installers and Repairers
Annual Salary: $39,000
Your Main Hobby: Watching television
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Driving

I learn how not to be seen. So the capo don'tkill me.