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Old 02-25-2017, 11:56 PM  
Rain Man Rain Man is online now
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Hypothetical: Enter the witness protection program here.
State your interest and I will assign you a new life, along with that of your real or hypothetical spouse.

Here's mine:

Male name: BRYON
Female name: PAMELA
Surname: BARLOW
Location: Winnebago County, Iowa
Male occupation: Audio-Visual and Multimedia Collections Specialists
Annual Salary: $39,500
Female occupation: Tellers
Annual Salary: $31,700
Your Main Hobby: Astrology
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Skiing

I wish they had assigned me a first name with a standard spelling, but my new job sounds okay. Kind of a cold place to live, though.
Last edited by Rain Man; 02-26-2017 at 12:02 AM..
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Old 02-27-2017, 01:18 PM   #91
Amnorix Amnorix is offline
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Location: Boston, Mass.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain Man View Post
We think you'll be safe in rural Wisconsin working in a bank. Your only risk is if they connect your new name to the Three skit with attorneys.

Male name: KENDRICK
Female name: TRACEY
Surname: CHEATHAM
Location: Barron County, Wisconsin
Male occupation: Tellers
Annual Salary: $22,100
Female occupation: Wholesale and Retail Buyers, Except Farm Products
Annual Salary: $59,200
Your Main Hobby: Cryptography
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Auto racing
Sounds pretty nice actually. Winters are going to suck, though. Northwestern Wisconsin cannot be good...





And...yeah. Average is 15 degrees in January, 17 in February. The low is -31 and -24 respectively.

http://www.areavibes.com/barron-wi/weather/


Ah well, hopefully the missus will keep me warm after the Nascar events get her all excited.
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Old 02-27-2017, 01:26 PM   #92
Eleazar Eleazar is offline
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Ok, I really need to disappear before the Bubi drug lords catch up with me. Help!
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Old 02-27-2017, 01:40 PM   #93
Iowanian Iowanian is offline
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Location: Utopia
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain Man View Post

Here's mine:

Mal
Surname: BARLOW
Location: Winnebago County, Iowa.
You probably work at Winnebago industries...Hope you enjoy building RV and campers.
Here, you've got 4 things to do...fish, ski, ice fish and snowmobile

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain Man View Post
Surname: HAMPSON
Location: Davis County, Iowa
Male occupation: Industrial Machinery Mechanics
You're busted immediately. You're not Amish and you're not one of 4 typical surnames. You can enjoy quality outdoor activity, avoiding Amish buggies in traffic and avoiding buggies on your way to fish or hunt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain Man View Post
I hope you can cook kosher.

Surname: WASSERMAN
Location: Dallas County, Iowa
You're now in the fastest growing county in Iowa...if you choose wisely in investment properties you'll do great. Hope you enjoy yoga pants, fake snow boots and SUVs with soccer ball stickers in the back window.
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Old 02-27-2017, 01:52 PM   #94
Rain Man Rain Man is online now
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Originally Posted by Cochise View Post
Ok, I really need to disappear before the Bubi drug lords catch up with me. Help!
Yours may need some work. The first place the drug lords will look is for pharmacy workers in New Mexico. Hopefully your wife can protect you while you're teaching your kids to make candles.

Male name: MARTY
Female name: ANGELA
Surname: BOOHER
Location: Sandoval County, New Mexico
Male occupation: Special Education Teachers, Secondary School
Annual Salary: $74,400
Female occupation: Pharmacy Technicians
Annual Salary: $26,700
Your Main Hobby: Candle making
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Judo
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Old 02-27-2017, 01:57 PM   #95
ChiliConCarnage ChiliConCarnage is offline
TACO SALAD
 
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Originally Posted by Amnorix View Post
Combined salary of $52,600 in Nantucket. Presumably they live in a doghouse, or else their housing is paid for by the Feds.

Your summers will rock, your winters will SUCK, and you will really enjoy the seafood, if you can actually afford it.
Well, shit! I didn't know about the local costs and I don't even like seafood.
Making 17k a year sucks!
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Old 02-27-2017, 02:03 PM   #96
luv luv is offline
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This sounds like fun.
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Old 02-27-2017, 02:07 PM   #97
kysirsoze kysirsoze is online now
SNAP THE ****ING BALL!!!
 
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Take me away from all this...
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Old 02-27-2017, 02:09 PM   #98
Amnorix Amnorix is offline
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Quote:
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Well, shit! I didn't know about the local costs and I don't even like seafood.
Making 17k a year sucks!



As of 2011 Nantucket was the most expensive county in the entire US for average home value.

http://www.bizjournals.com/bizjourna...t-housing.html

Quote:
Nantucket Island is a playground for the well-to-do, a status that's confirmed by its housing values.

The typical house in Nantucket County, Mass., is worth more than $1 million, according to the latest figures from the U.S. Census Bureau's American Community Survey. The median value of homes on the island is officially listed as $1,000,001, which is as high as the ACS goes. The actual figure is probably higher.

Nantucket is the only U.S. county with a median house value expressed in seven digits. The runners-up are Marin County, Calif. (a San Francisco suburb), at $880,000, and New York County, N.Y. (better known as Manhattan), at $800,400.

Basically, you live like a complete pauper surrounded by the ultra-wealthy on vacation during summer, and by frozen seagulls and perhaps the odd migrating penguin in winter.

And since it's an actual island, with no bridge to the mainland, even ordinary groceries are stupid expensive. Good luck my friend!
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Old 02-27-2017, 02:13 PM   #99
BWillie BWillie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain Man View Post
State your interest and I will assign you a new life, along with that of your real or hypothetical spouse.

Here's mine:

Male name: BRYON
Female name: PAMELA
Surname: BARLOW
Location: Winnebago County, Iowa
Male occupation: Audio-Visual and Multimedia Collections Specialists
Annual Salary: $39,500
Female occupation: Tellers
Annual Salary: $31,700
Your Main Hobby: Astrology
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Skiing

I wish they had assigned me a first name with a standard spelling, but my new job sounds okay. Kind of a cold place to live, though.
Do me do me!

Winnebago, by Sioux City Iowa. I know all about that place.
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Old 02-27-2017, 02:15 PM   #100
Dartgod Dartgod is offline
Wasted away again...
 
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I hope you're into the performing arts.

Male name: RANDELL
Female name: CHRISTINE
Surname: GALLAGHER
Location: Adams County, Idaho
Male occupation: Art, Drama, and Music Teachers, Postsecondary
Annual Salary: $54,000
Female occupation: Entertainers and Performers, Sports and Related Workers, All Other
Annual Salary: $24,000
Your Main Hobby: Crocheting
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Drawing
My wife hates her job and measly pay (and the fact that I sit around crocheting all evening) and called Joey "Bag of Donuts" Gambino and told him where we are. I need out of here in a hurry!
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Old 02-27-2017, 02:15 PM   #101
Eleazar Eleazar is offline
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Quote:
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Yours may need some work. The first place the drug lords will look is for pharmacy workers in New Mexico. Hopefully your wife can protect you while you're teaching your kids to make candles.

Male name: MARTY
Female name: ANGELA
Surname: BOOHER
Location: Sandoval County, New Mexico
Male occupation: Special Education Teachers, Secondary School
Annual Salary: $74,400
Female occupation: Pharmacy Technicians
Annual Salary: $26,700
Your Main Hobby: Candle making
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Judo
almost got our occupations reversed. And who knew teachers got paid so well in New Mexico? Sign me up.
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Old 02-27-2017, 02:34 PM   #102
Rain Man Rain Man is online now
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Originally Posted by luv View Post
This sounds like fun.
Other than having to change your husband's name to Theron, you might want to go ahead and annoy the mafia just to get this life. It sounds pretty good if you can enjoy the work. Plus, geocaching and archery sound fun.

Male name: THERON
Female name: IVA
Surname: BARAJAS
Location: Boundary County, Idaho
Male occupation: Economics Teachers, Postsecondary
Annual Salary: $75,600
Female occupation: Computer and Information Systems Managers
Annual Salary: $173,000
Your Main Hobby: Archery
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Geocaching
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Old 02-27-2017, 02:36 PM   #103
Rain Man Rain Man is online now
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Originally Posted by kysirsoze View Post
Take me away from all this...
We're going to kill two birds with one stone (metaphorically - physically it's the opposite). We're moving you to the Pacific Northwest with orders to save the Spotted Owl.

Male name: ANDREW
Female name: REBEKAH
Surname: BLOOD
Location: Clallam County, Washington
Male occupation: Forest Fire Inspectors and Prevention Specialists
Annual Salary: $33,300
Female occupation: Environmental Science Teachers, Postsecondary
Annual Salary: $49,200
Your Main Hobby: Ice skating
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Beach Volleyball
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Old 02-27-2017, 02:37 PM   #104
Rain Man Rain Man is online now
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Originally Posted by BWillie View Post
Do me do me!

Winnebago, by Sioux City Iowa. I know all about that place.
Laramie is a nice place. You might enjoy it. But then again, your new hobby may indicate that you don't appreciate a good challenge.

Male name: AVERY
Female name: SELENA
Surname: SOMMERVILLE
Location: Albany County, Wyoming
Male occupation: Hotel, Motel, and Resort Desk Clerks
Annual Salary: $24,300
Female occupation: Chemists
Annual Salary: $42,600
Your Main Hobby: Coloring
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Wikipedia editing*
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Old 02-27-2017, 02:40 PM   #105
Rain Man Rain Man is online now
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Originally Posted by Dartgod View Post
My wife hates her job and measly pay (and the fact that I sit around crocheting all evening) and called Joey "Bag of Donuts" Gambino and told him where we are. I need out of here in a hurry!
If you mess that one up, you're going to get saddled with the name "Young Zucker" in Appalachia, so you should really try to make it work.

Male name: YOUNG
Female name: LACY
Surname: ZUCKER
Location: Bledsoe County, Tennessee
Male occupation: Electrical and Electronics Engineering Technicians
Annual Salary: $40,000
Female occupation: Psychiatric Technicians
Annual Salary: $17,600
Your Main Hobby: Shopping
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Hiking
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