The list of 85 by Roastmaster Saul Good. And hey, it's actually saul good.
As a spinoff to the successful NFL Network's version of this and from the drama thread, it has come to fruition that this thread must be created.
Each day Hootie will reveal a member starting with 101 and working his way in order to number 1. I will update the OP as I see the names revealed.
*Warning this thread may cause a severe case of butthurt*
Let it begin!!
Hootie's List
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101. Cephalic Trauma
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101. Cephalic Trauma
Join Date: 7/31/11
Total Posts: 2,160
This was a surprise edition to the list. I personally don't think this twat adds any value to this board, but I figured he's IMPORTANT ENOUGH for me to make fun of to at least secure a spot on this fantastic list. He pretends like he has some hot fiance when we all know he jerks it to dude porn and any girl he may date probably has really ****ing hairy arms...he goes to "med" school but he didn't mention he goes to "med" school on [at] the University of Phoenix.
Pros: Jerks off to dude porn (see above).
Cons: Horrible posting style. Terrible username. Pretty sure if he never posted again no one would notice/care (always a bad sign). Has zero potential to ever become a significant board member.
Potential to move up in 2014: None. He'll never make this list again. I just wanted him to know how much I hate him and how much I hope he ends up blowing me. (PM me if you want to meet up).
JUST MISSED THE LIST: DONGER, FRAZOD (my list has a weight limit)
WASN'T EVEN CLOSE TO THE LIST: MeatRock
100. Mr. Laz
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100. Mr. Laz
Join Date: 12/27/2000
Posts: 73,951
Mr. Laz has never made a post that made me laugh. Not one. Nearly 74,000 posts and I've never even gotten a single chuckle. Even kc nut has made me chuckle and that guy can't even read. 70,000 or so of his posts have been just absolutely horrendous takes on the Chiefs and more recently the Royals. Mr. Laz is also the most perverted member on this board and posts constant pictures of big girls wearing little to no clothing. I'm pretty sure him and Dane "work" together, if you know what I mean. At least that's the hunch I get. On his friends list is Frazod, so apparently his friends list doesn't have a weight limit like mine.
Pros: most likely jerks off a lot; probably isn't gay; glad he isn't my uncle
Cons: he's somebody's uncle
Outlook for 2014: Try not to post about the Chiefs, the Royals or any pictures of naked girls. You'll have a lot more worth to this site. I realize this means you would no longer post.
Congratulations though...you're still much cooler than Donger.
99. CoMoChief
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99. CoMoChief
Join Date: 3/10/05
Total Posts: 28,314
Although every single one of his 28,314 posts have been absolutely terrible, you can't deny this idiot has a spot on CP's top 101. Seriously. This guy is gold. As a gambler, we really like people like CoMoChief when we're on the fence. Any time I see this idiot 'guarantee' something, I know to go with the exact opposite outcome and it has literally never failed me one time. He spends most of his time on MySpace and I'm pretty sure he and Mecca shared a girlfriend one time. Or maybe Mecca was his girlfriend? I don't ****ing remember.
Pros: Likes guys with long hair. Cheers for the Tigers and the Jayhawks adding to his already unintentional comedic value to the site. No gag reflex. Talks Chiefs football (albeit with horrible takes) on a message board called ChiefsPlanet.com unlike Donger and Frazod (Frazod being the one who thinks football is rigged because he's a fat ****ing moron).
Cons: able to have children
Outlook: a loser; probably will always be very low on this list; still cooler than Donger
98. KC Tattoo
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98. KC Tattoo
Join Date: 6/13/07
Total Posts: 15,821
Wanna know how I know the rep system doesn't work on this website? This guy has the 9th most rep on this site? Really? Really? The dude emulates his posting style after big nasty kcnut [unintentionally]. I want DaFace to run his statistics. I need to know how much positive rep he has given to somehow land 9th on the reputation list. What? This dude isn't funny, he doesn't have any "brain busting" takes on anything...I've literally never come across a [positive] rep worthy post made by this individual. Does he max out his rep every day? These are things I need to know. Also, and I'm paraphrasing because his posts are almost impossible to decipher, he said that the Alex Smith trade just "really hurt his feelings and made him feel really sad" which I thought was probably the gayest post of the year.
Pros: Probably fun to party with. Probably gives a mean blowie. Weighs less than Frazod. Reads at a 5th grade level.
Cons: Pretty sure he's the one member that will come after me and murder me after he reads this. Actually has a Chiefs tattoo on his arm. Terrible at Madden. Friends with ROR who is probably the most awful thing on the internet.
Outlook: I WANT TO KNOW WHO IS REPPING THIS GUY. SOMEONE PLEASE LINK ME TO REP WORTHY POSTS BECAUSE I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. IT'S BLOWING MY MIND. STOP BEING SUCH A REP WHORE. YOU'RE THE MALE LUMPY.
97. Fat Elvis
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97. Fat Elvis
Join Date: 4/27/01
Total Posts: 5735
Fat Elvis isn't a terrible poster. He's just really, really, really boring. I went over his thread history and not counting any threads mentioning "Geno Smith", he's had 1 good thread. If you throw out that one famous thread, the threads he has started over the years average about 9 posts per thread. Basically what that tells me is this guy is one of the least interesting active posters on this website. He only averages 1.3 posts per day yet he spends a lot of time on this site. Even he realizes he's one boring mother ****er. I wonder if there is a way we can get Frazod and Donger down to 1.3 posts per day?
Pros: Is a big advocate of rape and rape tax. Has a great sense of humor and knows when everyone talks about raping everyone it's tongue and cheek and we're not being serious.
Cons: Pretty sure he was raped. Listens to a lot of Pink. Votes democrat. Eats a lot of pork.
Outlook: more rape, more posts, higher ranking in 2014
96. Reaper16
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96. Reaper16
Join Date: 1/7/05
Total Posts: 30,945
Reaper is around the same age as me, so I have a pretty good idea about what kind of person this 'man' is. If Reaper and I went to high school together, I would not have known him because I didn't take the time to get to know people who sucked. I picture Reaper being about 5'8" with long girly hair, super hairy, wears skinny pants and tight rolls them, buys his clothing at goodwill, will go to a bar in the summer and take his ****ing dog with him and sit in a beer garden and drink shitty 12% beer and think by ordering it he's super sophisticated. He probably also brought a book with him to this bar, with his dog, because sipping on shitty 12% beers while reading is super in for pillowbitergots like Reaper in today's culture. Reaper probably weighs 120 lbs. I can honestly picture him right now. Like a gay Jesus.
Pros: doesn't have to shop at big and tall like Frazod. Is versatile enough to wear youth XL at certain stores. Don't have to worry about him stealing women from me at the bar. Oh wait, I'd never be caught dead in a hippie gay bar hitting on girls who don't shave their armpits and think showering is bigotry.
Cons: probably is smarter than me. definitely a virgin. Doesn't use conditioner in his long, gay, girl hair.
Outlook: If he'd stop posting about movies, beer, sports and culture he might be pretty decent. Probably needs to get a haircut and try to look like an adult now that he's almost 27. Oh, and leave your ****ing dog at home. Girls don't dig that. They think it's gay.
(I realize that isn't an outlook, but I really hate this new phenomenon of taking your dog to bars. ****in' hipsters.)
95. | Zach |
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95. | Zach |
Join Date: 9/6/02
Total Posts: 43,574
He once left forever. Apparently he doesn't understand the definition of forever. He once was a moderator. He was so ****ing bad at it he made the decisions made by Phil seem rational (IT'S A JOKE, I'M SORRY PHIL!!!!!!!). The 'dude' has two hobbies. Photography and soccer. If that doesn't scream homo I don't know what does. Once painted Frazod naked but ran out of paint. That's why they don't get along. Once admitted to jerkin' it to tranny porn in a thread about toothpaste. It made no sense. I get it. Every once in a while a tranny porno is pretty hot but come the **** on dude. Toothpaste. There are some lines you just don't cross.
Pros: Is open about being gay. I think that's pretty cool. Doesn't have long gay chick hair like Reaper. Has an annoying posting style similar to Donger but not quite as bad. Watches the Chiefs.
Cons: Watches the Chiefs because he has an affinity for strong, big, dark men. Thinks Oprah is a good show. Jerks it to reruns of Charles in Charge. He really likes Scott Baio.
Outlook: If he left forever again he'd move up on the list. Happy Days was way better without Scott Baio, creep.
94. Bump
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94. Bump
Join Date: 11/5/07
Total Posts: 11,199
Bump is a total dumb****. He's everything I hate about a stoner. These son of a bitches think marijuana is so 'good' for you and doesn't effect you in any way, shape or form! Well I have news for you, dipshit, you're an idiot. Stoners are ****ing gayer than hipsters. (I realize most hipsters are also stoners which makes them the gayest of gay.) This "stoner", bump...who is my age...has claimed to have managed a $1,000,000 per month restaurant in KCMO. Yeah...huge pothead moron Bump is running a restaurant that generates more revenue than 99% of the restaurants in America. He's running a Vegas resort in KCMO! Yeah Bump, pot does NOTHING to effect you, eh? Bump is so successful he lives in a Boston ghetto and has to carry around a butcher's knife in broad daylight because all of his neighbors are Mexican gangsters. Bump pays $10 a month in rent, though...so it's a risk he's willing to take (****ing section 8). A typical dinner for Bump consists of a handful of sour patch kids and string cheese. He once invited Frazod over for dinner...and lets just say thank God Bump carries around said butcher's knife. Frazod was hungry and all this poor reerun had to offer was expired fruit loops and a bathtub full of better cheddars (apparently potheads eat a lot of cheese). Bump still looks three ways before he crosses any road.
Pros: Marijuana has made him impotent. Posts primarily in DC. Really good at finding Waldo.
Cons: he watches little kids pee in public; I've seen him jerk off on chatroulette before; once experimented with sixlets; put 8 of them up his butthole and only 6 came back out
Outlook: fortunately sixlets no longer exist; needs to spend less time at Bed, Bath and Beyond buying up their entire supply of bath salts and post more than 5 times per day to have any chance of moving up this list; should probably get a job and stop s'in so much d to afford his $10 rent and his $200 a week drug addiction...that's a lot of d bro, that's a lot of d (at least we know he's not getting hard while he's doing it)
93. Sorter
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93. Sorter
Join Date: 9/12/11
Total Posts: 9,747
I know Sorter is everyone's favorite ****ing gay (I meant to type guy, but when I reread for accuracy figured gay fit just as well) for some reason, but I just can't agree. My #1 pet peeve on message boards, and I've been a message board/chatroom participant since I was 15 years old, was when I used to hang around the social networking boards with all of the slutty 17 year olds who would send pictures of themselves shoving hairbrushes up their twats and it was awesome, is people who have no rebuttal so they post in god damn .gifs and .jpgs. I hate it. I realize every once in a while it's funny...or there is that perfect .gif...but more often than not, it turns into an entire posting style. Dude has nearly 10,000 posts and half of them are ****ing .gifs of 'boxxxy' or whatever the **** that is. It's creepy. It makes me picture him as being a 24 year old fatter version of Mecca with worse hair. He sits and faps it in his mom's basement to boxxxy and then everyone is all like 'omg he's so cool look at those shiny .gifs' and I'm like "gay"...and I have the best taste on this site so clearly you're all morons. He has 3 pages of friends on this site and he's been a member for less than 2 years. He's in 3 social groups as well. These things all make me think he is just a total ****ing [DaneMcCloud hobby] in real life. I can't get past the .gifs...I just can't. Tried adding Frazod to his facebook friends list...and while Frazod wanted to accept, his fingers are too ****ing fat to hit the accept button on his facebook phone app.
Pros: Obviously a big Chiefs fan. That's good. Likes the draft. Uses environmental friendly tissue paper to 'clean up'.
Cons: See description. Stop it. Posts should be CONTENT, not ****ing .gifs of some hot canadian slut. It creeps me out. You have to try to creep me out. Jerks off more than me which is hard to do. Like Frazod, can't see his penis while standing up (or sitting down). Speaking of sitting down, he sits when he pees. Which is ok. I get it, it's comfortable...but only skinny people should do that.
Outlook: Don't post 1 .gif for a month and see if I end up noticing who you are. Right now, the only reason I have any idea who you are is because I see that same ****ing girl .gif in every ****ing thread and I hate it. I want you to go a month without posting any .gifs or .jpgs and then I'll let you know via negative rep whether or not I think you're a good poster. I'm thinking it's going to be a no, because you seem like a pillowbiter.
92. Amnorix
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92. Amnorix
Join Date: 5/16/03
Total Posts: 31,222
Amnorix and I have had many battles over the years. They all center around one thing: Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. Amnorix doesn't realize that Tom Brady is CLEARLY inferior to Peyton Manning in every way since, without the help of video tape that was so damning Goodell had to DESTROY it to protect the integrity of the league, Tom Brady has never done anything but CHOKE in the postseason. That's right, ZERO Super Bowl titles without cheating. ZERO. Even the biggest choker of them all (Manning) has one. It's embarrassing. He cried like a little girl when I posted this .gif:
For some reason, he makes threads on this board when Patriots players sign extensions like we give a ****. Dude thinks he knows EVERYTHING about football because the team he cheers for cheated a decade ago and won a few titles that should probably be stricken from the record books. His wife cheated on him with Belichick but he was ok with it...since he was in the closet jerkin' it the whole time.
Pros: Doesn't post here very often anymore. Doesn't blabber on about how good the Pats are as much because he realizes Tom Brady is a giant postseason choker and is just overall a terrible human being. Is a lawyer so you know he's good at sucking dick and licking ball sacks.
Cons: Wears Affliction. Jacks it to UFC fights. Favorite book is "Gone With the Wind." Calls his penis "Jack Frost." Doesn't believe in black people. Chews with his mouth open. Listens to Coldplay when he showers. Thinks Paradise is a Jewish brothel.
Outlook: ADMIT PEYTON MANNING IS BETTER THAN TOM BRADY YOU ****ING IDIOT.
91. BossChief
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91. BossChief
Join Date: 12/26/08
Total Posts: 24,175
BossChief is the most emotional poster on ChiefsPlanet. I do not mean this in a good way. If you broke down your life using percentages, mine would look something like this: 63% drunk/womanizing, 22% jerking off, 9% ChiefsPlanet, 6% sleep. BossChief's would look like this: 83% ChiefsPlanet, 7% brainstorming on how to fit in on ChiefsPlanet, 5% parenting, 3% crying and 2% FaceBooking friend requests to DaneMcCloud. I try and picture how BossChief was in high school and I figured out exactly who he was. He was the guy where...lets say you're out with your buddies like 5 years after graduation and one of them is like, "yo, we went to school with that guy!" And everyone would look at him and be like..."uh, what? No we didn't. Who is that guy?" While the one friend swears up and down he was the one kid in his 4th period who never talked, never answered a question, never moved. Basically didn't exist. That's got to be the worst kind of high schooler. I'd much rather be a Reaper who was the queer girly man that you'd debate on whether or not he was a chick or a dude (but at least you remembered him). Or Frazod, who was infamous for being the guy who somehow tricked his counselor into enrolling him into both lunch periods every day. Maybe even Dane...who was the creepy senior that was notorious for dating the "developed" 7th graders. Probably not Donger, though...he was the annoying little prick that sat in the front of every class and constantly asked the dumbest ****ing questions and everyone wanted to just punch him in the face, including the teacher. So maybe BossChief had that going for him. No one really wants to punch a guy they don't know exists.
Pros: Started 'The ****ing Mob', which was by far the gayest group ever created on ChiefsPlanet. I could only imagine what a neg rep from BossChief would look like. "Hey, you don't look right in v necks!" or "hey, you use a typewriter!" Let's see...(tough to find a lot of pros with this guy). Oh, he breeds fantastic children.
Cons: Thinks he can host a Chiefs themed radio show and be an accomplished NFL GM. He's stated both of these things. He's an idiot.
Outlook: Stop posting with your vagina and you'd be an ok poster. Dane doesn't want to be your friend, so resubmitting requests on the offset chance he may accept is a waste of your precious 17% of actual time away from ChiefsPlanet. Digging through the used feminine napkin tray in public restrooms is a sick hobby, dude. Frazod is fat. The end.
90. Dave
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90. Dave
Join Date: 8/22/00
Total Posts: 45,443
I was totally shocked to see Dave had over 40,000 posts. The only time I even realize he's a member of this board is when he starts blabbering his terrible opinions on QB's. He honestly thinks Joe Flacco is an elite QB. Apparently Dave looks like Matt Cassel, too...so you know he looks like a pillowbitergot. Dave is king of the "10 posts or less" threads...meaning he finds a lot of stupid shit interesting no one else cares about.
Pros: I'm his favorite poster on this board, so you know he has good taste. Doesn't jerk it to Jesus like his brother Dave Lane. Recommended the NutriSystem weight loss program to Frazod. To Frazod's credit, he tried it...but ate an entire month's worth of food in 3 days. Kind of defeats the purpose there, guy. Often posts with no shirt on Tuesday's and refers to it as "Topless Tuesday." I tried telling him guys don't really refer to themselves being "topless", so now he does it on Sunday's too and calls it "Shirtless Sunday's." Personally, I think that's pretty gay but whatever.
Cons: Types with one hand when viewing the Pictures sub-forum. Plays the "I would/wouldn't **** her" game at church every Sunday when the girls walk by his pew to get communion. Answers rhetorical questions because he's a moron. Refers to aluminum foil as tin foil because he's gay. His nickname for himself is "fluffy puff." Weird, I know.
Outlook: Bro...just because Joe Flacco Rahim Moore'd himself into a Super Bowl doesn't mean he's elite. Joe Flacco is in the Alex Smith tier of QB's. I appreciate you thinking I'm a great poster and all...so maybe next year if you just stfu about QB play and realize you don't really understand what you're watching...you can slide into the top 80.
89. Rausch
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89. Rausch
Join Date: 8/28/00
Total Posts: 41,905
I legitimately do not like Rausch. I think he has terrible takes on football. Actually I don't think that, I know that. He is literally one of the dumbest sports posters on this board. He'll constantly come at my takes with such terrible rebuttals that I'm not sure if he's trying to troll me or if he's being serious. Then I realize he's honestly too dumb to be good at trolling and so I just start feeling sorry for him. I'm almost certain that Rausch has at least 5 tattoos, and they are all probably terrible. Tattoos are super gay. When I think Rausch, I think Leonardio DiCaprio. No, no, no. Not Titanic Leo. I'm thinking Basketball Diaries Leo. But just the part where he's sucking a bunch of D for heroine in public restrooms. Oh wait, maybe that's KC Tattoo. Ah shit, I don't know. Actually he's probably more like Leo from 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape.' Actually that's probably more like KC Nut. Maybe he's just too much of a pillowbitergot to resemble anyone other than his pillowbitergot self. Anyways, I was looking through his thread history and he probably is the only person in the world less interesting than Dave. I thought Dave's threads generated little interest...but then I looked at Rausch's. Christ. It's bad. You know what...I was just thinking about Rausch being Leo in Gilbert Grape again and I was thinking...who would be his mother? You know, the fat bitch who is literally stuck to her recliner because she's too ****ing fat to even stand up? I drew blanks. Do we know anyone like that on this site? ... ...
Pros: Recycles. Enjoys all you can eat buffets but is respectful about it. Seriously Frazod, shoving 8 pieces of fried chicken and 3 pumps of chocolate pudding into your wife's purse is pathetic. I could see 2 pumps, but 3? Really? And women don't like giant purses. I understand it serves a purpose in your life but come on man...it's not always about you.
Cons: Terrible bowler. Watches movies in all Spanish because 4 months ago he accidentally hit the SAP button and hasn't realized it because he's a dipshit. Hates Boyz II Men.
Outlook: No more threads. No more tattoos. Remember to get to the buffet BEFORE Frazod. Stop going to bars that have meatloaf specials it's weird. I realize Leo is pretty badass but it's turning into an unhealthy obsession. Saying pianist because it sounds like penis is pretty immature and trivial, guy.
88. Mecca
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88. Mecca
Join Date: 4/6/05
Total Posts: 79,928
Mecca would have been much higher on this list had it been 2010. After being wrong time and time and time again with his draft analysis...he's officially now just a part time poster. Mecca had such gems as thinking Carson Palmer was frontrunner for MVP a few years back when he'd turn in 3 Tebow-esque quarters and then somehow muster together 1 good drive against prevent defense for the Bengals to win. He guaranteed 100% Tamba Hali could never work as a 3-4 rush backer. He agreed with trading Jared Allen because Jared Allen was a 'drunk' and Jared Allen would never be worth a big contract because he was going to drink himself out of the league. He said Tony Gonzalez was overpaid and worthless to us because he was a TE...when I told him he made the same amount of money as Daniel Graham he pulled the typical Mecca and decided it didn't matter that he wasn't overpaid he was still a TE and NFL teams don't need TE's...and then New England took over the league by showcasing their offense featuring Gronk and Hernandez further proving Mecca is, indeed, dumb. Mecca took dark pictures of himself on webcam showcasing his Travis Tritt hair and then tried to claim he was straight. In an attempt for us to lay off of him for obviously being gay, he posted pictures of 'the girl he was banging' in the pictures subforum...where some member in turn found those pictures on some porn site and she was outed as a porn star and he was outed as a liar, and a gay. Since Mecca generally stuck to football, no one really ever made fun of him for not having a job or living at home well into his 30's, which always really baffled me. My favorite Mecca moments were every year...when his mother would lay out his Sunday's finest...and he'd slick his hair back, put on his [gayest] smile, hold up his very own draft board he made himself (by sniping draft analysis from his 5 favorite experts), and then having his mother snap a picture of him holding said board. His scrapbooking skills are unmatched. His finest accomplishment in life to date was correctly guessing the top 2 picks of the 2012 NFL draft.
Pros: He does talk a lot of football. Sometimes, when he's not trying to be negative to just be negative, he does have pretty good takes. Never really personally attacks anyone like I just spent the last 10 minutes doing. Uses proper cutlery etiquette when eating meals (knife guards fork from evil spoon). Doesn't argue with his mom in the morning even when she lays out clothing he doesn't feel like wearing (good manners). When eating freezy pops, he has GREAT willpower and waits until the VERY END to suck up all of the "juice." (How he does it, I'll never know...)
Cons: Attended fat camp as a kid. (Though, he fit right in. Frazod went as well but everyone ended up making fun of him for being fat so he quit. Well he tried to quit but his dad wouldn't answer his collect calls from said fat camp so he ended up just being the fat kid at fat camp.) Speaking of calls, for some reason Mecca still sets up his speed dials. Really? Only dumbasses like Frazod use speed dialing (too lazy to dial the numbers). Although it's not a huge con because at least he sets it up for emergency purposes. 1 is his mom. 2 is his orthopedic. 3 is Mel Kiper. 4 is Travis Tritt. 5 is billing for Match.com. Frazod? Yeah, not so much. His speed dial is ridiculous. 1. Jenny Craig. 2. Propecia. 3. Papa John's. 4. 1-800-REALITY 5. Life Alert (which is weird, because he has to wear one of those Life Alert necklaces around with the pushy buttons that automatically alerts authorities when he has fallen and can't get up so why it's also on his speed dial baffles me)...I've lost my train of thought. Anyways...
Outlook: Post more dude. I miss you. I miss your horrible takes on football...I miss getting to see your draft board picture every year. I miss your made up stories about banging married women with fat husbands (wait a second!)...get back to 25 posts a day and you'll be top 50 in 2014!
87. Dartgod
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87. Dartgod
Join Date: 8/21/00
Total Posts: 30,094
Dartgod is basically good for one thing on this forum, and that is his annual gambling challenge contest. For that reason alone, he makes the list. Other than that, I find his posts to be awful, his football takes to be of the novice variety, and his obsession with Jimmy Buffett to be creepy. He's best friends online and offline with Frazod. They often go on double dates...and when the host asks them if they'd like a table or booth, they both start laughing nervously and request a table because there is no way those two fat ****s are fitting in a booth. You know when the one fat guy has to push the table in the booth towards the skinnier guy so he can fit in without his belly overflapping the table? Well they got into a 20 minute argument about who was getting the table pushed towards the other the one time they went to a restaurant with booths only and they had to end up sitting on the same side while their poor wives had a table shoved so close to them they had to eat with their elbows on the table, which is rude.
Pros: The aforementioned gambling challenge. Friendly enough to give the last slice of pizza to Frazod the last time they got together to watch an all day marathon of M*A*S*H. Dreams in color.
Cons: Has Frazod, Gonzo and Phobia on his friends list. So his friends consist of very large men who have wives that are total drama queen/wrist cutters that try and become father figures to degenerate forum posters in their low to mid 20s. He drives a Mercury and he's very large...so getting out of the driver seat is a chore. He has to do one of those awkward side shifting movements where he basically has to lay his head down in the passenger seat and put his feet out of the car door and then swing like a pendelum to get out of the car to prevent his large stomach from crushing the steering wheel. It's a horrid site to watch. Doesn't add sugar to his kool-aid because he thinks it helps him watch his figure and manage his diabetes. Has anyone ever forgotten sugar in their kool-aid? It's horrendous. Drink water, guy.
Outlook: Probably will be a steady 80s guy on the list as long as Gambling Challenge remains a thing. Probably should rock, paper, scissor Frazod when they ride in his mercury together because when they are both trying to get out of the car at the same time it looks like they are making out with their feet draping out of the car and it's really, really gay looking. And really funny at the same time. Well I guess if they went one at a time whoever got out first would look like they were giving the other one head so it's a lose/lose for them and a win/win for anyone lucky enough to watch two fatasses trying to get out of a ****ing Mercury.
86. Bo's Pelini
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86. Bo's Pelini
Join Date: 8/16/07
Total Posts: 29,776
Although Billay has grown on me as of late (and no, that's not a fat pun Frazod, calm down), he's still a huge ****ing pillowbitergot. He still lives at home and all he does is post on CP, watch TMZ, and collect cereal box labels so he can mail them in for Captain Crunch t-shirts...of course he has to take the $3.25 handling fee from his mom's purse when she steps away. He also successfully petitioned Quaker Oats to carry XXL instead of the standard S, M and L (you know, since this label idea was intended for children). He has claimed to have had sex before but I'm just not seeing it. His highest level of education is recess (no Frazod, god damnit, not the candy).
Pros: Once watched the critically acclaimed movie '10 Things I Hate About You' 13 times in 1 day...the equivalent to the amount of double cheeseburgers Frazod orders for himself from McDonald's during his lunch hou...day. Still has weekly 'show and tell' with his mom and dad every Tuesday before dinner. Last week, he found a turtle by the creek. Doesn't generally color outside the lines in his coloring books. Makes his bed most days without reminders from his mom.
Cons: Thought it was a good idea to take a shirtless pic of himself flexing and then posting it on CP. Was envious of Mecca's fake GF. Is a part time DJ. He's secured such prestigious gigs as little Timmy's 7th grade birthday bash on the other end of the cul de sac. Still puts the teeth he loses from time to time under his pillow expecting anywhere between $1-$5 depending on the tooth. Thinks Lean Cuisine is a sexual position used by gays.
Outlook: He's gotten a lot better since I recently returned. Sometimes he even makes me laugh. As long as he stops making fake Facebook accounts he may find himself in the 70s in 2014. Frazod once took all the skin from a piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken, popped 3 viagra, and then wrapped said skin around his erect dick and tried to **** his wife...he got one pump in and the skin all fell off into her pussy...that's the last time he performed cunnilingus.
Saul Good - A little about Roaster #2 (by frazod)
Spoiler!
Positives: Cherishes the spirit of Hootie. Cherishes all things Hootie. Was once himself Hootie, right up until the day that goddamn bitch refused to get an abortion. Longs to be Hootie again. Cries himself to sleep at night remembering what it was like to be Hootie. Covets Hootie. In fact, if he actually knew where Hootie was, Saul would probably kill Hootie, eat his heart, and then fashion a Hootie suit out of Hootie's actual skin and wear it while posting in this very thread. So that's settled - he's the best man for the job. Also, is smarter, more experienced, and a bit more creative than Hootie (brain was spared the hard years of constant alcohol abuse). And unlike Hootie, who works 50 hours a week, gets 1 day off and has a life, Saul's got nothing but time, and time, and more time, to pour himself into these rankings in honor of his fallen (or at least wandered off) champion. Well, that and argue the same points over and over with Wickedson in the realignment thread, but seriously, there's no reason he can't do both. It's not like anyone outside of cyberspace will miss him.
Negatives: Can't match Hootie's energy level, goofiness or actual happiness. Vaguely remembers what it was like to be joyfully carefree, but sadly can no longer emulate that since he turned into an angry version of Phil from City Slickers all those years ago; instead substitutes vitriol and spite for Hootie's slapstick silliness. Mean and nasty can only be fun for so long. At least for normal people.
Outlook: Saul seems to have impressed the Hootiephiles with his initial offering, but they are a fickle bunch, and much like their hero, easily distracted and ohhhhh shiny. He may have the right stuff, but let's see what he does with it.
Good luck Saul!
85 BigRedChief
Spoiler!
BigRedChief is the single most self-indulgent poster on this board. He tries to come across as everyone's buddy, but every thread he starts is nothing more than a vehicle for humble-bragging. We get it, BRC...you make a bunch of money, but you could make a lot more if you weren't so dedicated to serving others...what a great guy you are. Basically, he's the upper-middle class version of Dane. I'd say he's like Dane minus the part about treating twelve year old's sphinctors as pinky rings, but I've seen pictures of him, and if he doesn't have to turn off his lights and close his curtains on Halloween, he should. Also, he's the kind of guy who calls his
curtains "drapes".
He decorates his house in 1980s artwork that focuses on nearly nude drawings of women with butch haircuts. They remind him of his younger days when he was a keytar player in a Styx cover band. He claims that he is some black belt in karate, but the closest he comes to working out is when he invites frazod over to jack off to Jane Fonda movies on VHS.
Pros: Once got away with ripping off Columbia House by purchasing 8 tapes for a penny and then claiming to move out of the country to avoid having to buy the rest. Can wear Zubaz pants, and it actually works for him.
Cons: Calls black people "coloreds". Chews nicotine gum while smoking. Cleans his ears with safety pins.
Outlook for 2014: Exactly the same as this year. Nothing about him has changed since 1982. Why should next year be any different?
84. StevieRay
Spoiler!
Stevie is a devout Christian. He briefly flirted with the idea of becoming a priest because he wanted a job that encouraged being a sexual predator, but he couldn't figure out how to show off his chest hair while wearing the clerical collar. Eventually, he decided to become an Elvis impersonator so that he could have the best of both worlds.
Easily the most passive-aggressive member of our fine community, Stevie loves to take cheap shots at other posters under the guise of being concerned about their emotional and spiritual well-being. He's elevated it to an art-form. This is the closest he will ever get to being an actual artist despite the fact that he fancies himself a painter. Maybe I'm a philistine, but any asshole with a can of spray paint and a bad attitude can produce the kind of "art" Stevie shits out. I've paid $3 for landscapes on cardboard in Tijuana that were better than the portraits of black people Stevie adds to the side of charter schools. Maybe if he had thought of doing portraits of Andre the Giant and writing "obey", he could have become the modern day Andy Warhol. Instead, he's Bazooka Joe without the punchlines.
His claim to fame is that he's a Chiefs superfan. Not just anyone can do that, you know...you have to have a costume...or at least some red face paint and Chiefs bed sheets to wear as a cape or something. Okay. Anyone can do that, but it's still pretty sweet. They get their own locker room at Arrowhead and everything. I mean, it's not technically a locker room per se, but he and X-factor do change in the same port-a-potty in the parking lot before games. (I guess I was right the first time. You have to be able to fit inside a port-a-potty to be a superfan, so not just anyone can do it...sorry, Fraz.)
Pros: I like the way the word "pompadour" sounds. Now that the new Liberace movie has come out, his Elvis costumes actually seem relevant. Does that sweet "stick your arm out straight and wiggle your hand" thing really well.
Cons: Looks inside his kleenex after blowing his nose. (What the **** are you hoping to find?) Mixes his "Jesus Juice" too stiff. Remember, Stevie, putting it in a Pepsi can isn't enough. If the first one has too much booze, the kids are going to get wise to your plot. Fast-forwards "Passion of the Christ" to the scenes where Jim Caviezel has his shirt off.
Outlook for 2014: Let's say higher. No way does this year's list even get finished, so who gives a **** about next year, anyway?
83. Rustshack
Spoiler!
You probably don't recognize the name, but the next time you read a random post about how ****ing great Iowa State is...think back to this thread...this is who I'm talking about. His posts are like when Bad Company is the band playing the local free concert in the park. At first, you're like "who the **** is Bad Company?" Then, when the first song starts, you're going "I didn't know they played this song". Then, an entire hour passes where you know all the words to the songs that you didn't realize were by Bad Company. You probably thought it was Foriegner your whole life, but it wasn't. Its totally understandable that someone could think that some of their songs were by Foriegner...or maybe Cheap Trick. It does kind of sound like them, but its Bad Company. Look it up if you dont believe me. Anyway, they aren't good songs. They suck shit, actually. Still, when the concert ends, you're all "all those shitty songs...they were Bad Company all along...I never knew". All those shitty posts...you'll recognize them when you see them...that's Rustshack.
So Rustshack is just your skinny, geeky kid right out of central casting. He got the zits and the glasses, and the floodwater pants and the whole bit. He tries to go goth and be all dark and mad at the world, but he just looks like a pasty queer. He's dressed up as a vampire every Halloween since he was an eighth grader in 1999. Then, when vampire movies got popular, he got pissed off because everyone else dressed up like vampires for Halloween looked cooler than him. Seriously, Rusty...you were trying for Edward from Twilight, but people were getting Count Chocula from Kellogg's. So he would cry like a bitch, and the other kids would make fun of him. He thought about hanging himself but decided against it because vampires can't die from that. So he went to one of the other vampire/goth kids the next day for advice, they told him that he had to think of something even worse, so he went to Iowa State. (Look, not all of these jokes are going to be gems.)
So, anyway, **** you, Rustshack. Iowa State sucks. Steele Jantz sucks. Paul Rhodes sucks. Frazod is fat. Larry Eustachy is awesome for sucking down cool ones from cans with pull-tabs with hot skanks at Mizzou. You suck.
Pros: Isn't a KU fan. Isn't bothered by the fact that Top Gun was laced with latent homosexuality...he appreciates it for what it was...a pretty kickass movie that doesn't need me to defend it from YOU.
Cons: If he did hang himself, he could easily be mistaken for a flaccid penis dangling from a string if the person who was looking at him was kind of far away...or was close by but wasn't wearing their necessary prescription glasses or something. Probably knows enough about computers to track me down in real life if he took this the wrong way and decided to smear goat's blood on my door (or whatever the **** renaissance festivaly people do whenever they want to convey disapproval).
Outlook for Rustshack in 2014: Everyone will forget who he is again. Years from now, people will still talk about the time Dave got a DUI on the way home from that Foreigner concert.
Outlook for the Cylcones in 2014: Somewhere in the 5-7 to 7-5 range. Just like they are every year.
82. KCnative
Spoiler!
This little jumping bean occasionally posts about the Chiefs, but the vast majority of his work centers around accusing everyone of racism. It never occurs to him that it's not his race that makes people hate him...it's the fact that he's a fat, angry prick. I hate to break it to you, native, but you're basically frazod with a sombrero.
He came to Chiefs Planet because he is fascinated by sports in general. You see, where his family is from, sports aren't really part of the culture. After all, every Mexican who can run, jump, or swim sneaks into the US. Hootie's threads are of particular interest to him because all of native's brothers used to bus tables at hootie's restaurant, and now all of his sisters clean the rooms at hootie's hotel. In that regard, hootie is kind of the pied piper of pendejos.
He works in the financial services industry where he became a hero to his people when he realized that Mexicans in the US could write off their trucks as both a work vehicle AND an office. (I'm kidding, of course. They don't really file tax returns.)
Pros: Sells tamales out of a truck, and everything tastes better out of a truck. Has a dog that lives on the roof of his house.
Cons: Spends twenty minutes every afternoon making his chili dog at 7/11 and doesn't leave any toppings for anyone else. Brings live chickens on the bus.
Outlook for 2014: Will be higher on the list if he spends more time posting in threads about football and less time in threads about napping on other people's front lawns.
81. Notorious
Spoiler!
Notorious has a picture of his cat, Lobo (named after his favorite WNBA player) as his avatar. I should probably end this roast with that, but...whatever. Cats are for spinsters and pillowbitergots. Notorious is neither, so you know he hates them...so what gives? Why the **** does he have a cat? Well, I'll tell you why. Notorious has always kept a box full of piss and shit inside his house. People used to think of him as the sick **** with the boxes full of turds in his foyer. Now, he's just a guy with a cat, so his bizarre fetish seems socially acceptable. It's kind of a genius move, really. I mean, if I could get away with leaving dead hookers on my lawn by buying a ferret, I'd be at Petland right now.
Still, having cats around actually comes in handy for him, as he's a little too in touch with his feminine side, and he likes to gently stroke the cat while having himself a good cry. Pretty soon, though, he's going to have to tie the ****ing thing up in a burlap sack and throw it off a bridge, or I'm taking back what I said earlier about him not being a pillowbitergot.
All in all, he's an okay guy. I'll probably take him up on his offer to babysit my kids.
Pros: Really good at tickling. Keeps working at growing that mustache even though it isn't coming in very thick.
Cons: Huge fan of Jackson Browne. Drives a Plymouth.
Outlook for 2014: His neighbors will be asked to describe him on the local news.
80. Braincase
Spoiler!
Braincase loves to talk about how he knows all of the movers and shakers in the KU athletics department. He's always dropping tidbits of "inside information" that inevitably turn out to be wrong. I'm pretty sure the closest he's ever gotten to the Kansas athletics program is when he outbid frazod to win Mark Mangino's custom built toilet. It was a great moment for Braincase who has turned it into a shrine, but it sucked for frazod. He hates KU but was desperately in need of a toilet that could support his big fat ass while receiving the massive meat-logs he delivers. Fortunately, they were able to work out an arrangement wherein frazod can take his hippo dumps on the toilet while Braincase gives him blumpkins and imagines that frazod is actually coach Mangino.
While he may not be an insider with KU hoops, he was an assistant to the coach of an eighth grade girls basketball team...until he cracked under the pressure and got ejected from a game. (I'm not even joking. He made a thread about it that's absolutely hysterical...look it up.)
He has started over 500 threads in total, and that is the only one that doesn't suck. You'd think he would accidentally post an interesting topic every now and again, but he hasn't. Recent threads include such riveting topics as the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, licking a man's ass, and a princess Diana joke right at the height of its relevancy in 2011. At some point, he thought to himself, "CP is going to ****ing love this princess Diana joke...I can't wait to start a thread about it". We need more posters like him.
Pros: Was told that it's not butter, accepted it, and moved on...if he was in disbelief, he didn't show it. Beats the shit out of his kids. That wouldn't normally be considered a positive, but his kids are ugly and, as such, deserve every ass-whipping they get.
Cons: Wears pleated jeans. Drinks Taster's Choice coffee because he wants to celebrate the moments of his life.
Outlook for 2014: Dies when his skull is crushed under frazod's fupa. At his funeral, people will take solace in knowing that he died doing what he loved.
79. big nasty kcnut
Spoiler!
kcnut is genuinely one of my favorite posters on this board. Normally, you have to actually read a post or two before realize how stupid the posters on this board are. Nut saves you time because you don't have to read a single word of his incoherent ramblings in order to realize how insane he is. The first time I tried to decipher one of his bizarre missives, I felt like John Nash trying to intercept Soviet communications.
If you've never seen the big nasty, you can find his doppelganger helping out in the concession stand at any little league baseball complex in the country. Look for kid with the oversized hearing aids and the random shaved patches on the back of his head. (I'm not sure if those are related to surgery, or if he is just constantly trying to cut his own hair, but I don't know who to ask.) Fortunately, his hair is mostly covered up by the old-school motorcycle helmet that he has to wear at all times.
When he's not posting on CP, he's either handing people their Doritos Loco tacos through a window or putting together a political podcast. (The realization that this is simply a statement of fact rather than a joke is unsettling when you realize that his votes count as much as anyone's...and you know he votes.) If you ever want to send yourself into a coma but can't find a rock to bash against your head, you might want to consider giving him a listen. He is to Rush Limbaugh what frazod is to Alan Dershowitz. I guess it's a good hobby for him given the fact that his mom finally stopped secretly replacing the pet bunnies he kept hugging to "sleep", so who am I to judge?
Pros: Has amazing reerun strength. Incredibly, he has never eaten from a package with a skull and crossbones on the label. When he tucks his shirt in, the bottom of his shirt sometimes pokes through his fly, and that makes me laugh.
Cons: Makes LiveSteam look like the Indian kid at the Howard Scripps spelling bee. Chewed the points off all my new Crayolas in pre-school. I thought that was a shitty thing for an eleven year old to do.
Outlook for 2014: I expect big things from the big nasty. Hopefully he doesn't get cratered in a drone strike.
Positives: Cherishes the spirit of Hootie. Cherishes all things Hootie. Was once himself Hootie, right up until the day that goddamn bitch refused to get an abortion. Longs to be Hootie again. Cries himself to sleep at night remembering what it was like to be Hootie. Covets Hootie. In fact, if he actually knew where Hootie was, Saul would probably kill Hootie, eat his heart, and then fashion a Hootie suit out of Hootie's actual skin and wear it while posting in this very thread. So that's settled - he's the best man for the job. Also, is smarter, more experienced, and a bit more creative than Hootie (brain was spared the hard years of constant alcohol abuse). And unlike Hootie, who works 50 hours a week, gets 1 day off and has a life, Saul's got nothing but time, and time, and more time, to pour himself into these rankings in honor of his fallen (or at least wandered off) champion. Well, that and argue the same points over and over with Wickedson in the realignment thread, but seriously, there's no reason he can't do both. It's not like anyone outside of cyberspace will miss him.
Negatives: Can't match Hootie's energy level, goofiness or actual happiness. Vaguely remembers what it was like to be joyfully carefree, but sadly can no longer emulate that since he turned into an angry version of Phil from City Slickers all those years ago; instead substitutes vitriol and spite for Hootie's slapstick silliness. Mean and nasty can only be fun for so long. At least for normal people.
Outlook: Saul seems to have impressed the Hootiephiles with his initial offering, but they are a fickle bunch, and much like their hero, easily distracted and ohhhhh shiny. He may have the right stuff, but let's see what he does with it.
Good luck Saul!
85 BigRedChief
Spoiler!
BigRedChief is the single most self-indulgent poster on this board. He tries to come across as everyone's buddy, but every thread he starts is nothing more than a vehicle for humble-bragging. We get it, BRC...you make a bunch of money, but you could make a lot more if you weren't so dedicated to serving others...what a great guy you are. Basically, he's the upper-middle class version of Dane. I'd say he's like Dane minus the part about treating twelve year old's sphinctors as pinky rings, but I've seen pictures of him, and if he doesn't have to turn off his lights and close his curtains on Halloween, he should. Also, he's the kind of guy who calls his
curtains "drapes".
He decorates his house in 1980s artwork that focuses on nearly nude drawings of women with butch haircuts. They remind him of his younger days when he was a keytar player in a Styx cover band. He claims that he is some black belt in karate, but the closest he comes to working out is when he invites frazod over to jack off to Jane Fonda movies on VHS.
Pros: Once got away with ripping off Columbia House by purchasing 8 tapes for a penny and then claiming to move out of the country to avoid having to buy the rest. Can wear Zubaz pants, and it actually works for him.
Cons: Calls black people "coloreds". Chews nicotine gum while smoking. Cleans his ears with safety pins.
Outlook for 2014: Exactly the same as this year. Nothing about him has changed since 1982. Why should next year be any different?
84. StevieRay
Spoiler!
Stevie is a devout Christian. He briefly flirted with the idea of becoming a priest because he wanted a job that encouraged being a sexual predator, but he couldn't figure out how to show off his chest hair while wearing the clerical collar. Eventually, he decided to become an Elvis impersonator so that he could have the best of both worlds.
Easily the most passive-aggressive member of our fine community, Stevie loves to take cheap shots at other posters under the guise of being concerned about their emotional and spiritual well-being. He's elevated it to an art-form. This is the closest he will ever get to being an actual artist despite the fact that he fancies himself a painter. Maybe I'm a philistine, but any asshole with a can of spray paint and a bad attitude can produce the kind of "art" Stevie shits out. I've paid $3 for landscapes on cardboard in Tijuana that were better than the portraits of black people Stevie adds to the side of charter schools. Maybe if he had thought of doing portraits of Andre the Giant and writing "obey", he could have become the modern day Andy Warhol. Instead, he's Bazooka Joe without the punchlines.
His claim to fame is that he's a Chiefs superfan. Not just anyone can do that, you know...you have to have a costume...or at least some red face paint and Chiefs bed sheets to wear as a cape or something. Okay. Anyone can do that, but it's still pretty sweet. They get their own locker room at Arrowhead and everything. I mean, it's not technically a locker room per se, but he and X-factor do change in the same port-a-potty in the parking lot before games. (I guess I was right the first time. You have to be able to fit inside a port-a-potty to be a superfan, so not just anyone can do it...sorry, Fraz.)
Pros: I like the way the word "pompadour" sounds. Now that the new Liberace movie has come out, his Elvis costumes actually seem relevant. Does that sweet "stick your arm out straight and wiggle your hand" thing really well.
Cons: Looks inside his kleenex after blowing his nose. (What the **** are you hoping to find?) Mixes his "Jesus Juice" too stiff. Remember, Stevie, putting it in a Pepsi can isn't enough. If the first one has too much booze, the kids are going to get wise to your plot. Fast-forwards "Passion of the Christ" to the scenes where Jim Caviezel has his shirt off.
Outlook for 2014: Let's say higher. No way does this year's list even get finished, so who gives a **** about next year, anyway?
83. Rustshack
Spoiler!
You probably don't recognize the name, but the next time you read a random post about how ****ing great Iowa State is...think back to this thread...this is who I'm talking about. His posts are like when Bad Company is the band playing the local free concert in the park. At first, you're like "who the **** is Bad Company?" Then, when the first song starts, you're going "I didn't know they played this song". Then, an entire hour passes where you know all the words to the songs that you didn't realize were by Bad Company. You probably thought it was Foriegner your whole life, but it wasn't. Its totally understandable that someone could think that some of their songs were by Foriegner...or maybe Cheap Trick. It does kind of sound like them, but its Bad Company. Look it up if you dont believe me. Anyway, they aren't good songs. They suck shit, actually. Still, when the concert ends, you're all "all those shitty songs...they were Bad Company all along...I never knew". All those shitty posts...you'll recognize them when you see them...that's Rustshack.
So Rustshack is just your skinny, geeky kid right out of central casting. He got the zits and the glasses, and the floodwater pants and the whole bit. He tries to go goth and be all dark and mad at the world, but he just looks like a pasty queer. He's dressed up as a vampire every Halloween since he was an eighth grader in 1999. Then, when vampire movies got popular, he got pissed off because everyone else dressed up like vampires for Halloween looked cooler than him. Seriously, Rusty...you were trying for Edward from Twilight, but people were getting Count Chocula from Kellogg's. So he would cry like a bitch, and the other kids would make fun of him. He thought about hanging himself but decided against it because vampires can't die from that. So he went to one of the other vampire/goth kids the next day for advice, they told him that he had to think of something even worse, so he went to Iowa State. (Look, not all of these jokes are going to be gems.)
So, anyway, **** you, Rustshack. Iowa State sucks. Steele Jantz sucks. Paul Rhodes sucks. Frazod is fat. Larry Eustachy is awesome for sucking down cool ones from cans with pull-tabs with hot skanks at Mizzou. You suck.
Pros: Isn't a KU fan. Isn't bothered by the fact that Top Gun was laced with latent homosexuality...he appreciates it for what it was...a pretty kickass movie that doesn't need me to defend it from YOU.
Cons: If he did hang himself, he could easily be mistaken for a flaccid penis dangling from a string if the person who was looking at him was kind of far away...or was close by but wasn't wearing their necessary prescription glasses or something. Probably knows enough about computers to track me down in real life if he took this the wrong way and decided to smear goat's blood on my door (or whatever the **** renaissance festivaly people do whenever they want to convey disapproval).
Outlook for Rustshack in 2014: Everyone will forget who he is again. Years from now, people will still talk about the time Dave got a DUI on the way home from that Foreigner concert.
Outlook for the Cylcones in 2014: Somewhere in the 5-7 to 7-5 range. Just like they are every year.
82. KCnative
Spoiler!
This little jumping bean occasionally posts about the Chiefs, but the vast majority of his work centers around accusing everyone of racism. It never occurs to him that it's not his race that makes people hate him...it's the fact that he's a fat, angry prick. I hate to break it to you, native, but you're basically frazod with a sombrero.
He came to Chiefs Planet because he is fascinated by sports in general. You see, where his family is from, sports aren't really part of the culture. After all, every Mexican who can run, jump, or swim sneaks into the US. Hootie's threads are of particular interest to him because all of native's brothers used to bus tables at hootie's restaurant, and now all of his sisters clean the rooms at hootie's hotel. In that regard, hootie is kind of the pied piper of pendejos.
He works in the financial services industry where he became a hero to his people when he realized that Mexicans in the US could write off their trucks as both a work vehicle AND an office. (I'm kidding, of course. They don't really file tax returns.)
Pros: Sells tamales out of a truck, and everything tastes better out of a truck. Has a dog that lives on the roof of his house.
Cons: Spends twenty minutes every afternoon making his chili dog at 7/11 and doesn't leave any toppings for anyone else. Brings live chickens on the bus.
Outlook for 2014: Will be higher on the list if he spends more time posting in threads about football and less time in threads about napping on other people's front lawns.
81. Notorious
Spoiler!
Notorious has a picture of his cat, Lobo (named after his favorite WNBA player) as his avatar. I should probably end this roast with that, but...whatever. Cats are for spinsters and pillowbitergots. Notorious is neither, so you know he hates them...so what gives? Why the **** does he have a cat? Well, I'll tell you why. Notorious has always kept a box full of piss and shit inside his house. People used to think of him as the sick **** with the boxes full of turds in his foyer. Now, he's just a guy with a cat, so his bizarre fetish seems socially acceptable. It's kind of a genius move, really. I mean, if I could get away with leaving dead hookers on my lawn by buying a ferret, I'd be at Petland right now.
Still, having cats around actually comes in handy for him, as he's a little too in touch with his feminine side, and he likes to gently stroke the cat while having himself a good cry. Pretty soon, though, he's going to have to tie the ****ing thing up in a burlap sack and throw it off a bridge, or I'm taking back what I said earlier about him not being a pillowbitergot.
All in all, he's an okay guy. I'll probably take him up on his offer to babysit my kids.
Pros: Really good at tickling. Keeps working at growing that mustache even though it isn't coming in very thick.
Cons: Huge fan of Jackson Browne. Drives a Plymouth.
Outlook for 2014: His neighbors will be asked to describe him on the local news.
80. Braincase
Spoiler!
Braincase loves to talk about how he knows all of the movers and shakers in the KU athletics department. He's always dropping tidbits of "inside information" that inevitably turn out to be wrong. I'm pretty sure the closest he's ever gotten to the Kansas athletics program is when he outbid frazod to win Mark Mangino's custom built toilet. It was a great moment for Braincase who has turned it into a shrine, but it sucked for frazod. He hates KU but was desperately in need of a toilet that could support his big fat ass while receiving the massive meat-logs he delivers. Fortunately, they were able to work out an arrangement wherein frazod can take his hippo dumps on the toilet while Braincase gives him blumpkins and imagines that frazod is actually coach Mangino.
While he may not be an insider with KU hoops, he was an assistant to the coach of an eighth grade girls basketball team...until he cracked under the pressure and got ejected from a game. (I'm not even joking. He made a thread about it that's absolutely hysterical...look it up.)
He has started over 500 threads in total, and that is the only one that doesn't suck. You'd think he would accidentally post an interesting topic every now and again, but he hasn't. Recent threads include such riveting topics as the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, licking a man's ass, and a princess Diana joke right at the height of its relevancy in 2011. At some point, he thought to himself, "CP is going to ****ing love this princess Diana joke...I can't wait to start a thread about it". We need more posters like him.
Pros: Was told that it's not butter, accepted it, and moved on...if he was in disbelief, he didn't show it. Beats the shit out of his kids. That wouldn't normally be considered a positive, but his kids are ugly and, as such, deserve every ass-whipping they get.
Cons: Wears pleated jeans. Drinks Taster's Choice coffee because he wants to celebrate the moments of his life.
Outlook for 2014: Dies when his skull is crushed under frazod's fupa. At his funeral, people will take solace in knowing that he died doing what he loved.
79. big nasty kcnut
Spoiler!
kcnut is genuinely one of my favorite posters on this board. Normally, you have to actually read a post or two before realize how stupid the posters on this board are. Nut saves you time because you don't have to read a single word of his incoherent ramblings in order to realize how insane he is. The first time I tried to decipher one of his bizarre missives, I felt like John Nash trying to intercept Soviet communications.
If you've never seen the big nasty, you can find his doppelganger helping out in the concession stand at any little league baseball complex in the country. Look for kid with the oversized hearing aids and the random shaved patches on the back of his head. (I'm not sure if those are related to surgery, or if he is just constantly trying to cut his own hair, but I don't know who to ask.) Fortunately, his hair is mostly covered up by the old-school motorcycle helmet that he has to wear at all times.
When he's not posting on CP, he's either handing people their Doritos Loco tacos through a window or putting together a political podcast. (The realization that this is simply a statement of fact rather than a joke is unsettling when you realize that his votes count as much as anyone's...and you know he votes.) If you ever want to send yourself into a coma but can't find a rock to bash against your head, you might want to consider giving him a listen. He is to Rush Limbaugh what frazod is to Alan Dershowitz. I guess it's a good hobby for him given the fact that his mom finally stopped secretly replacing the pet bunnies he kept hugging to "sleep", so who am I to judge?
Pros: Has amazing reerun strength. Incredibly, he has never eaten from a package with a skull and crossbones on the label. When he tucks his shirt in, the bottom of his shirt sometimes pokes through his fly, and that makes me laugh.
Cons: Makes LiveSteam look like the Indian kid at the Howard Scripps spelling bee. Chewed the points off all my new Crayolas in pre-school. I thought that was a shitty thing for an eleven year old to do.
Outlook for 2014: I expect big things from the big nasty. Hopefully he doesn't get cratered in a drone strike.
78. crazycoffey
Spoiler!
Hopefully everyone is breathing a sigh of relief seeing that I'm doing coffey's roast rather than hootie. If my roast of big nasty kcnut caused an uproar, a hootie roast of cc would probably spark an international incident. But enough about me and my giant cock...
Crazycoffey has a tendency to blur the lines between CP and real life as evidenced by the fact that he posted Clay's grandfather's contact information in a thread on this very board. You'd think he might know better than to do something like that, but he's a drunk...and an angry one at that. For more evidence of this, look no further than his infamous run-in with our own hootie.
As usual, hootie was minding his own business...objectively watching Peyton Manning highlights after a long day of ladling out soup to the less fortunate...when CC stumbled onto the board three Zimas deep and started talking shit about minorities. Now normally hootie isn't one for confrontation, but he will not tolerate mean-spirited comments about others. Coffey's response was to abuse the infraction system in order to get hootie banned. Naturally, hootie was beyond pissed, created a new account, and resumed setting cc straight in a stern but fair tone (or something like that...I don't remember the exact details...**** you). Coffey then did what any mentally unstable drunk would do in the middle of a heated argument...he sent hootie a PM about the most intimate, painful details of his own life...naturally.
Let me repeat this for Rico and anyone else who missed it... Crazycoffey, while in the midst of a nasty flame war with hootie, sent hootie a private message full of personal details about the ongoing problems in his marriage. Fortunately for coffey, hootie is a classy guy with a keen understanding of boundaries, so he kept those details private... I'm just ****ing with you. Hootie immediately shoved that shit right back in coffey's face. Would any sane person expect anything less from hootie? Of course not...but coffey is not sane. He is, however, a cop.
Let that ****ing sink in... Here is a guy who can't even be trusted with the infraction system, yet our tax dollars pay for him to carry a gun on behalf of the criminal justice system. Are you ****ing kidding me? I wouldn't trust this drunk to drive a goddamned honey wagon let alone a paddy wagon, but what the **** do I know?
Fortunately, hootie made a much-heralded return, and cc has been working to get his marriage back on track. He and his wife have even started dabbling in the swinging lifestyle in order to spice things up. Being a short, fat, bald guy, he doesn't exactly get invited to the "A-squad" parties like in Eyes Wide Shut, though. It's mostly a bunch of skinny white dudes going balls deep into fat Asian hookers while frazod sits in the corner trying desperately to find his penis, but coffey works with what he's got, and I can't fault him for that. The problem is that he tends to just show up, rip off all of his clothes, and yell, "orgy time". WTF, dude? That's terrible form. I mean yes, there's going to be an orgy, but even orgies at the Ramada expect a certain level of decorum...at least take off your socks and shoes. This isn't like back when you were a scout leader and took the kids on campouts. The webelos may not have known better, but that's no excuse for you.
Pros: Gets paid to harass minorities. Is handy with a sewing machine.
Cons: Doesn't wipe after he shits if it felt like it came out clean. (I understand his reasoning, but you still have to check.) Always does the "cha cha cha" thing when singing Happy Birthday.
Outlook for 2014: He and his wife answer an ad on adult friend finder only to find out when they meet up that it's Clay...evening goes better than expected.
77. Phobia
Spoiler!
Phil is a legend in his own mind. He has this peculiar habit of bragging over things that nobody else on the face of the earth even cares about. I swear to Christ, P, nobody gives a shit that you once called Trent Green "TrINT Green" 12 years ago. It was funny enough to generate a 44 post thread. Congratulations. Why is that throw-away of a thread in the ****ing Hall of Classics? Is that really a classic thread? In Phil mother****ing Kloster's head? Yes. To anybody else in the world? Hardly.
Phobia is the kind of guy who will only befriend people who are a rung below him in status. If you make more money than him...are smarter than him...have a better goatee than him...drive a faster Camaro than him, etc., he's going to run you off. You see, the most important thing to Phil is to surround himself with people who admire him. That makes him feel important. By weeding the successful people out of his circle, he gets to wax poetic about how he "only drinks the finest domestic macro brews" without getting called on his bullshit.
Everyone knows a guy like this. He's the guy who has his buddies over for beers so he can "big time" them. He'll make a big show about how generous he is with his beer. Then, he'll come out with a frosted mug for himself. "Nothing beats a cold one after a softball double-header, right guys? Feel free to drink my beer, but only the big guy gets the frosty mug. You guys can fight over who gets the koozie." He's also the guy who takes the extra base and slides in beer league softball games.
So that's pretty much phobia. He'll read this and pretend that he thinks it's sort of funny (but could be better if...). He may even poke a little fun at himself just to show how self-deprecating he can be. He doesn't think it's funny, though. He's WAY funnier than me. Don't believe him? Just ask any of the slightly older, slightly fatter, slightly less successful friends, and they'll back him up.
Pros: If frazod really wants to live in someone's head, phobia is the one guy who might be able to squeeze his fat ass in. Didn't really rip off a customer like billay said he did on his Facebook page.
Cons: Has a bizarre goatee size to face size ratio. Isn't a goatee supposed to at least be wider than your lips? Talks about how good he is at eating pussy to anyone who will listen...That must be a "thing" for middle aged dudes with beer guts and goatees because he's not the only one who does that, but it just creeps me the **** out.
Outlook for 2014: Bans hootie for no good reason...2,000 post threads fighting about it litter the front page for weeks...hootie comes back...sun rises, sun sets
76 Dave Lane
Spoiler!
76. Dave Lane
Dave is the embodiment of "stuck in the 80s guy". He peaked back in the days when movie bad-guys rode dirt bikes and your t-shirts turned colors when they got hot or cold. It was a kick-ass time, and nobody kicked more ass than Dave. He bought the sweetest hot tub that Watson's had to offer, and he used to rail chicks in it with Mark Gubicza. ("With Mark" might be a bit of an overstatement, actually. I mean, it WAS Dave's wife that Gubie was dumping his nuts into while Mr. Lane cheered, but Dave didn't get to touch her until after Mark would leave. Still...Dave was sitting on the edge of the tub, and his feet were in the water, so that ****ing counts.)
Anyway, as the years went by, Dave kept doing the same things. Those things just became a little less cool with time. I mean, he was still watching Royals players with mullets turn his wife inside out in that very same hot tub, but the nineties didn't have that same magic about them. Sure, Jeff Montgomery had a mullet too...but it just wasn't the same. It's kind of hard to pinpoint what changed...Dave blames the AIDS epidemic. That does make a little sense, I guess. After all, when you have to fish used condoms out of the filter, you realize that the raw-dogging innocence of the eighties is gone forever. Still, Dave didn't exactly do himself any favors.
You see, Dave has a habit of pissing in the hot tub. No big deal. We've all done it. I'm not saying it's right, but everyone sort of accepts it. Dave's problem wasn't so much that he peed in the hot tub...it was the fact that he would do it when he wasn't even in the tub at the time, and that's just bad form. (I'm not going to have this conversation with you again, Dave. I understand that the same urine gets in the pool either way. It's still way grosser when you're arcing a boner-whiz into the tub from 15 feet away.)
So now, thirty years have passed. The party has ended, and his wife is gone, but Dave just can't let it go. He's still got the hot tub and the "Missouri Compromise" hair style, but now he has to settle for jacking it to old school porn...the kind on tapes you have to rewind when you're done. If you forget, and someone comes over and turns on the television, they immediately know what scene you finished to. In Dave's case, it's always either the scene shot from directly behind the dude's asshole or the one where they show the guy's face right as he busts.
I understand that accidents happen. The chick's titties are waggling back and forth...she's really into it...you're about to blow...and then...pow...they cut to the ol' back of the sack cam, and you can't shut it down in time. You know in your head that it doesn't make you queer, but you still just feel sad and uncomfortable the rest of the day...like people somehow know. Then, you just get pissed off at the movie because "who the **** decided that putting a camera there was a good idea? Nobody wants to see that shit". Well, people like Dave want to see that shit. And people like Dave pay for porn. So if you're looking for someone to blame, Dave's your guy.
Pros: Once saw Steve Gutterberg while eating at at the High Boy. Above-average break-dancer. Those lessons have really paid off.
Cons: Hates religion with a passion because, back when he was an altar boy, that really handsome priest touched everyone but him. (Dave...it's like your dad told you...it's not the sex he was after. It was the chase.) Has black lights in his room that make his bed spread look like it's covered in glow-in-the-dark maps of Hawaii.
Outlook for 2014: Slips into a deep depression after his VCR eats his only copy of Butt **** Sluts go Nuts volume IX.
75 KnowMo roasted by PGM
Spoiler!
75. KnowMo2724
KnowMo is the typical, delusional Bronco fan...only on speed. He is one of the biggest homers to ever grace the board and has less football knowledge than Donger. Also, has a penchant for losing bets and welching on them in short order.*
He lives in his mom's basement and her meatloaf gives him the ability to post for hours at a time. She is pretty cool though. She takes him and his friends to Casa Bonita every year for his birthday to see the cliff divers and Black Bart's cave (ooooo scary). His most recent gift was a custom orange and blue 1974 Dodge Dart from Elway Motors.
Once, he convinced a drunken Hootie that he was a 22 year old college coed and a three way with a Peyton Manning fathead ensued. They then took pictures of the sheets covered in anal blood and framed them on the basement wall.
Positives: Went 16-0 in Madden on Pro difficulty after editing all Denver players to 99 overall. The meatloaf is pretty good. Only crossed swords once during the 3 way (swore that it was Peyton's, so it resumed).
Cons: He is Blackbob's Uncle everyone jokes about. Welches on bets. Still dresses as the Green Ranger for Halloween every year.
Outlook: After being found guilty in the trial he welches and comes back anyway. Never appears on the board again after Peydaton goes down in preseason ending his career.
74 Luv roasted by Mr. Flopnuts
Spoiler!
Luv is a name that almost anyone on this board would recognize if they've been around for a while. You either know her as the passive aggressive old nag that tries to play mommy to the board, or you remember her antics in the beginning in which seeking out Daddy's approval she joined CP, only to have it turn into a forum to help her with her Daddy issues.
Over the years Luv has given us a litany of additions to the CP lexicon such as Grape gatorade, Moooo, and Endelt raped me. Of course that case took care of itself when in court proceedings Endelt got the case dismissed by simply asking the judge “How could it have been rape your honor? She was on top!”
Luv has also contributed greatly to our community by organizing the Springfield get togethers. Quite an accomplishment for someone to be able to organize board get togethers 200 miles away from the city the board is centrally located. There have been staggering numbers at these get togethers including 4, 3, 2, and a whole bunch of 1's.
What many people should really appreciate about Luv is that she is one of the members that takes a very personal approach to the board. And she's not afraid for the rest of us to learn from her mistakes. Such as, why you should never finance a car for a booty call you've been sleeping with for less than 3 months. How professing your illness on the board may lead someone of the opposite sex to picking up some grape gatorade for you and pounding your baby maker. Other gems include mid life crisis booty calls, and questioning the morals behind them after the deed has been done, how to find yourself in the friend zone with every individual you meet due to your own inability to hide your self consciousness, and why the postal service and their workers are such an important commodity to our society.
The good news is, after being laid off and taking the time to gain a certificate to become a paralegal from an [scratch]online[/scratch]local instituion that offered an 18 week course, she is now no longer living with her father at 38 years of age, and only took a 40% pay cut. We should appreciate her showing us the value of a higher education. She really is an asset to the board, and someone we should appreciate being able to interact with on a daily basis.
Pros: This is a member that you have a legitimate shot of sleeping with, whether you are married or not. She's also someone that you can almost rest assured has less knowledge about the game of football than you do, which should help pump up your internet ego. Almost a guarantee to provide a laugh, and life lesson (or simple reminder) every time she starts a thread.
Cons: Doesn't include pics of numerous said booty calls (some may consider this a pro, apply to your life as needed) tends to be very passive aggressive when she disagrees with a take, or moderator decision. If you sleep with her, it may become a hot topic of board conversation for years to come.
Outlook for 2014: Luv is decreasing her activity on this board, but not in her online sexual life. This may change as her mid life crisis is transitioning from fun, to blowhard. Outside possibility of major board entertainment should she show up at this year's bash and sleep with Clay. Marriage is slim to none, as it's unlikely she'll ever take Daddy off of his pedestal and put a man in his place.
Last edited by Mr. Flopnuts; 06-25-2013 at 07:16 PM..
05-20-2013, 03:00 PM
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