A Truly Sh*tty Experience

I am a graduate student in a small college town. As many of you know, college towns are notorious for their shitty housing. Most of the residences in town are run down, and the somewhat nice ones are generally priced as though they are on the upper west side of Manhattan. What makes things worse are the endless petty ordinances that landlords often put up in order to discourage prospective renters, or make their lives a living hell.

I am not particularly good with authority. If I was a professional athlete, I’d probably be a locker room cancer because I hate having people tell me what to do, especially when I don’t think they are as capable as I am in a given task. I’m an elitist and a dickhead, in short, but sometimes it’s entertaining.

My current neighbors are trifling bitches. Despite the fact that there is a newly paved sidewalk that leads directly to the asphalt pad on which their cars are parked, for some reason they feel the need to traipse through the grass in order to travel the unbearable 30 foot distance. Perhaps that’s because after seeing one of them for the first time, my mom said, “you could serve dinner on that girl’s ass.”—after all it must be stressful.

Of course, these girls have to be in a sorority, because all overweight annoying girls whose parents pay their way are always in a sorority. It’s one of the axioms of the universe, right up their with the constant of the speed of light. These ‘sorostitutes’ always seem to have a sense of entitlement somewhere north of Maurice Clarett. It makes living next to them, well a pain in the ass. It’s ok when they are up til 4 am playing music over their very shitty speakers (I could tolerate it if it weren’t for the suck ass sound coming from their goddamn shelf system piece of monkey shit), but yet it’s inconvenient for them to not walk on the sidewalk because they don’t want to walk in my dog’s poop, as if dog shit is somehow hard to locate. You’d think that girls who spend the majority of their post-secondary education on their knees would at least have a passing familiarity with the ground. Nevertheless, I have always committed a cardinal sin whenever they happen to step in poop. Big deal I figure, after all, it’s only dog shit—wipe it off in the grass you love to walk in so much, and go blow some guy with a popped collar.

I love irony. For example, these girls are so scandalized by the excretion of an animal that eats a diet far healthier than nearly all people do, yet they willingly swallow the ejaculate of men they don’t even know. Alas, I am not the king of the universe, so perhaps I shouldn’t judge. Well, as bitches are wont to do, they bitched, complaining to our landlords numerous times about the piles of poop in the yard. I complied for the most part and picked them up whenever the incessant complaining would get unbearable, but after winter break I said to myself, “**** it,” and didn’t pick up a piece of crap for about six weeks. I was fortunate that a layer of snow concealed the shit for the most part, but now unseasonable weather has melted the snow off, exposing, well…a shitload of shit.

I got a letter from my landlord today informing me that if I did not pick up the poop today that I would be forced to move my dog out. Well **** that I thought to myself. I considered various forms of retribution, but in the end figured what the hell and picked all the shit up. I now have a 30 gallon trash bag filled with at least 25 pounds of dog poop in it (6 weeks of poop for a 60 pound dog is a lot of shit). Thus I have complied with the wishes of my landlord, but now I have all this shit that is just itching for me to do something with it. Perhaps I could make a shit airbag, like in “Men at Work”, or find a way to put it all in the trunks of the whores next door. Then again, I guess I could just light it all on fire on their doorstep in a ritual of purification. Nevertheless, attached are photos of the poop, and me, with a shit eating grin holding my prize aloft.

[Bwana]

Originally Posted by Fairplay

The question of the day is.............

Classic.

[stumppy]

Originally Posted by John Matrix

I'm sure I'll get flamed on this board because I'm not part of your world class wrecking crew..........

Association with Phobia is not required to know you should wear a headband to cover the circumcision scars.

[Skip Towne]

Originally Posted by stumppy

Association with Phobia is not required to know you should wear a headband to cover the circumcision scars.

Where is our hero?

[stumppy]

Originally Posted by Skip Towne

Where is our hero?

I have yet to settle on a hero. There are so many capable people on the board it's hard to decide.

Do you have someone in mind we could count on when the chips are down?
Someone who would stand up to the keyboard tough guys? Someone who would put the bulletin board dickheads in their place? Someone who would be.....well..... be our hero?

[Iowanian]

It looks like another psuedo intellectual got him nippows in a twist. Matrix seems to know alot of techniques to wipe man gravy off his face.

Your seats taken? Judging by your game I've seen here so far, I doubt if you could score with Maggie in the last scene of Million Dollar Baby.

I wonder how many copies of this dipshit have come and gone in the last 5 years?

All a eugenicist would need to do in order to convince society of his aims is to take a close look at about the last 10 fucko's to post on this board. One more time for the road, as I said last night, I don't give a shit how many of Phobia's little internet buddies flame me on this message board. If this is the best shit that you guys can bring, well then you can go fuck yourself. Iowanian, it doesn't surprise me that you would bring necrophilia into this post, I'm just surprised you haven' t found away to mention bestiality as well.

The pathetic thing about all you fucks is that you are an internet clique, a clique of people whose major reason for getting up in the morning would seem to be posting on this board.

How many copies have come and gone across the last five years? What the fuck are you all still doing here after five years? The fact that your lives have devolved to the point where you spend half a decade of your adult lives as potent, active members of this board is ridiculous. The way you treat new members on this board shows your own idiocy and lack of self worth.

A dude loses his cat, so you call him a reerun. He ****s up a term of internet slang, so you mock him over that. Is that all you pathetic fucks have in your life, that you have to give sh*t to people on this board b/c they aren't part of your e-posse?

This board is entertaining for a while, but after sometime I would gather that most people get sick of putting up w/ the jackasses on the board like most of you fucks.

The sad thing about this place is that I'll probably fade away in a few weeks or months, probably come back around for the draft to get more info, but you bad motherfuckers will still be here five years later, just like you were five years before. Fading away from this board isn't a sign of giving up, rather it's probably a sign of hope. Yet most of you obviously see it as some form of grave failure for the member to meet up to your 'standards'.

Iowanian, perhaps I should bow down to a man of your obvious infinite knowledge, a man who has belonged to this board since the fucking Clinton administration. You must be so much better than me because you're a Suburban Commando with a wife he hates and kids he can't stand. You must be king of the world, what with that avatar of a flaming keyboard and all. What a true badass.

If you want to take shots of me because of an intentionally goofy look I made during a photo, then that's cool, I have enough self worth that I can take it. I've seen the member photo's section of this website, most of you are charter members of the all-ugly team, so your attempts to put me down are a might like the pot and kettle, not that you are smart enough to make that analogy anyway.

I'll probably be out of here in a week, you'll still be starting sticky polls in leetspeak, eating takeout food in the ramshackles you live in. Here's a poll for you, you're all approaching middle age, your lives have no meaning and your jobs do nothing to create to the better good of society. What are you going to do about? Survey says you are going to post on a football board and try to prove how much of a badass you are by ganging up on a dude in order to protect your e-friendships. But that's cool, as I said, I can take it.

Enjoy the 9-5 grind for the rest of your lives you sad fucks...Good luck starting up those "civil unrest hurricanes" Iowanian, I'm sure it's a hell of a job you do there, bitch.

[Iowanian]

You'd better change your shoes.

I'm not sure what animal is responsible for the pile, but its apparent you stepped in a HUGE, steaming pile of Dumbshit.

Enjoy another year of Top Ramen noodles, courtesy of your mother's job at the Dairy queen.

Pardon me if I don't seek your autograph until you're at least working the late night shift guarding the airport parking lot with gary coleman.

Its more likely, that instead of being a "clique" the above posters just have the keen sense to identify dumbass easier than when you can't smelling you when you walk into a bar after your BRUTE bath.

Originally Posted by Iowanian

You'd better change your shoes.

I'm not sure what animal is responsible for the pile, but its apparent you stepped in a HUGE, steaming pile of Dumbshit.

If this was a gunfight, your smack would be a water pistol. Your momma should have sucked you out of her box with a turkey baster instead of letting a piece of shit like you into the world.

[Iowanian]

So, what you've posting is smack?

As stated before, I could eat a bowl of Alphabits and crap better smack than you'd be able to deal with, if your entire Dungeon and Dragon team were loaning you their smack pokemon.

If over estimating your own cerebral meanderings were cow feces, you'd be heaped up in Western Kansas stinking out a town unfortunate enough to be downwind.

When you find your candy ass, face down in a pile of dogshit, with a fat girl sitting on your lower back, giving your a camel clutch with the index finger fish hook after she crapped in her own hand, the muffled sound you hear in the breeze will be myself and I'm sure many other's who've come accross you(some probably literally), laughing .

If you need a wetnap, I'm sure you can snag one when you're unloading the boxes in aisle 5.

I'm just telling it how it is, you tell it the way you want it to be to keep your electronic delusions alive.

I love the fact that you assume that I'm a D&D nerd on here, you have 25 thousand ****ing posts.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of a small mind. Your continued presence here (over the hump for the first decade ) Proves that axiom indisputably.

Originally Posted by John Matrix

All a eugecist would need to do in order to convince society of his aims is to take a close look at about the last 10 fucko's to post on this board. One more time for the road, as I said last night, I don't give a shit how many of Phobia's little internet buddies flame me on this message board. If this is the best shit that you guys can bring, well then you can go fuck yourself. Iowanian, it doesn't surprise me that you would bring necrophilia into this post, I'm just surprised you haven' t found away to mention bestiality as well.

The pathetic thing about all you fucks is that you are an internet clique, a clique of people whose major reason for getting up in the morning would seem to be posting on this board.

How many copies have come and gone across the last five years? What the fuck are you all still doing here after five years? The fact that your lives have devolved to the point where you spend half a decade of your adult lives as potent, active members of this board is ridiculous. The way you treat new members on this board shows your own idiocy and lack of self worth.

A dude loses his cat, so you call him a reerun. He ****s up a term of internet slang, so you mock him over that. Is that all you pathetic fucks have in your life, that you have to give sh*t to people on this board b/c they aren't part of your e-posse?

This board is entertaining for a while, but after sometime I would gather that most people get sick of putting up w/ the jackasses on the board like most of you fucks.

The sad thing about this place is that I'll probably fade away in a few weeks or months, probably come back around for the draft to get more info, but you bad motherfuckers will still be here five years later, just like you were five years before. Fading away from this board isn't a sign of giving up, rather it's probably a sign of hope. Yet most of you obviously see it as some form of grave failure for the member to meet up to your 'standards'.

Iowanian, perhaps I should bow down to a man of your obvious infinite knowledge, a man who has belonged to this board since the fucking Clinton administration. You must be so much better than me because you're a Suburban Commando with a wife he hates and kids he can't stand. You must be king of the world, what with that avatar of a flaming keyboard and all. What a true badass.

If you want to take shots of me because of an intentionally goofy look I made during a photo, then that's cool, I have enough self worth that I can take it. I've seen the member photo's section of this website, most of you are charter members of the all-ugly team, so your attempts to put me down are a might like the pot and kettle, not that you are smart enough to make that analogy anyway.

I'll probably be out of here in a week, you'll still be starting sticky polls in leetspeak, eating takeout food in the ramshackles you live in. Here's a poll for you, you're all approaching middle age, your lives have no meaning and your jobs do nothing to create to the better good of society. What are you going to do about? Survey says you are going to post on a football board and try to prove how much of a badass you are by ganging up on a dude in order to protect your e-friendships. But that's cool, as I said, I can take it.

Enjoy the 9-5 grind for the rest of your lives you sad fucks...Good luck starting up those "civil unrest hurricanes" Iowanian, I'm sure it's a hell of a job you do there, bitch.

I think you state a pretty good case. I've decided to allow you to join my internet clique. We need more people like yourself in my clique. Do you accept the call to become a minion of Phobia?

[Iowanian]

Whatever makes you sleep better at night sally.

Originally Posted by Phobia

I think you state a pretty good case. I've decided to allow you to join my internet clique. We need more people like yourself in my clique. Do you accept the call to become a minion of Phobia?

No, I'll never turn to the dark side. Even if it means this:

[Skip Towne]

This guy is every bit as dumb as he is ugly. If YOU were as ugly as him would you post your pic on here?

[Iowanian]

Well Beaker, I'll sleep just fine tonight, knowing that the last p@ssy you had your face in that wasn't paid for, involved your mother's cervix clenching your shoulders.