Positives: Cherishes the spirit of Hootie. Cherishes all things Hootie. Was once himself Hootie, right up until the day that goddamn bitch refused to get an abortion. Longs to be Hootie again. Cries himself to sleep at night remembering what it was like to be Hootie. Covets Hootie. In fact, if he actually knew where Hootie was, Saul would probably kill Hootie, eat his heart, and then fashion a Hootie suit out of Hootie's actual skin and wear it while posting in this very thread. So that's settled - he's the best man for the job. Also, is smarter, more experienced, and a bit more creative than Hootie (brain was spared the hard years of constant alcohol abuse). And unlike Hootie, who works 50 hours a week, gets 1 day off and has a life, Saul's got nothing but time, and time, and more time, to pour himself into these rankings in honor of his fallen (or at least wandered off) champion. Well, that and argue the same points over and over with Wickedson in the realignment thread, but seriously, there's no reason he can't do both. It's not like anyone outside of cyberspace will miss him.
Negatives: Can't match Hootie's energy level, goofiness or actual happiness. Vaguely remembers what it was like to be joyfully carefree, but sadly can no longer emulate that since he turned into an angry version of Phil from City Slickers all those years ago; instead substitutes vitriol and spite for Hootie's slapstick silliness. Mean and nasty can only be fun for so long. At least for normal people.
Outlook: Saul seems to have impressed the Hootiephiles with his initial offering, but they are a fickle bunch, and much like their hero, easily distracted and ohhhhh shiny. He may have the right stuff, but let's see what he does with it.
Good luck Saul!
85 BigRedChief
Spoiler!
BigRedChief is the single most self-indulgent poster on this board. He tries to come across as everyone's buddy, but every thread he starts is nothing more than a vehicle for humble-bragging. We get it, BRC...you make a bunch of money, but you could make a lot more if you weren't so dedicated to serving others...what a great guy you are. Basically, he's the upper-middle class version of Dane. I'd say he's like Dane minus the part about treating twelve year old's sphinctors as pinky rings, but I've seen pictures of him, and if he doesn't have to turn off his lights and close his curtains on Halloween, he should. Also, he's the kind of guy who calls his
curtains "drapes".
He decorates his house in 1980s artwork that focuses on nearly nude drawings of women with butch haircuts. They remind him of his younger days when he was a keytar player in a Styx cover band. He claims that he is some black belt in karate, but the closest he comes to working out is when he invites frazod over to jack off to Jane Fonda movies on VHS.
Pros: Once got away with ripping off Columbia House by purchasing 8 tapes for a penny and then claiming to move out of the country to avoid having to buy the rest. Can wear Zubaz pants, and it actually works for him.
Cons: Calls black people "coloreds". Chews nicotine gum while smoking. Cleans his ears with safety pins.
Outlook for 2014: Exactly the same as this year. Nothing about him has changed since 1982. Why should next year be any different?
84. StevieRay
Spoiler!
Stevie is a devout Christian. He briefly flirted with the idea of becoming a priest because he wanted a job that encouraged being a sexual predator, but he couldn't figure out how to show off his chest hair while wearing the clerical collar. Eventually, he decided to become an Elvis impersonator so that he could have the best of both worlds.
Easily the most passive-aggressive member of our fine community, Stevie loves to take cheap shots at other posters under the guise of being concerned about their emotional and spiritual well-being. He's elevated it to an art-form. This is the closest he will ever get to being an actual artist despite the fact that he fancies himself a painter. Maybe I'm a philistine, but any asshole with a can of spray paint and a bad attitude can produce the kind of "art" Stevie shits out. I've paid $3 for landscapes on cardboard in Tijuana that were better than the portraits of black people Stevie adds to the side of charter schools. Maybe if he had thought of doing portraits of Andre the Giant and writing "obey", he could have become the modern day Andy Warhol. Instead, he's Bazooka Joe without the punchlines.
His claim to fame is that he's a Chiefs superfan. Not just anyone can do that, you know...you have to have a costume...or at least some red face paint and Chiefs bed sheets to wear as a cape or something. Okay. Anyone can do that, but it's still pretty sweet. They get their own locker room at Arrowhead and everything. I mean, it's not technically a locker room per se, but he and X-factor do change in the same port-a-potty in the parking lot before games. (I guess I was right the first time. You have to be able to fit inside a port-a-potty to be a superfan, so not just anyone can do it...sorry, Fraz.)
Pros: I like the way the word "pompadour" sounds. Now that the new Liberace movie has come out, his Elvis costumes actually seem relevant. Does that sweet "stick your arm out straight and wiggle your hand" thing really well.
Cons: Looks inside his kleenex after blowing his nose. (What the **** are you hoping to find?) Mixes his "Jesus Juice" too stiff. Remember, Stevie, putting it in a Pepsi can isn't enough. If the first one has too much booze, the kids are going to get wise to your plot. Fast-forwards "Passion of the Christ" to the scenes where Jim Caviezel has his shirt off.
Outlook for 2014: Let's say higher. No way does this year's list even get finished, so who gives a **** about next year, anyway?
83. Rustshack
Spoiler!
You probably don't recognize the name, but the next time you read a random post about how ****ing great Iowa State is...think back to this thread...this is who I'm talking about. His posts are like when Bad Company is the band playing the local free concert in the park. At first, you're like "who the **** is Bad Company?" Then, when the first song starts, you're going "I didn't know they played this song". Then, an entire hour passes where you know all the words to the songs that you didn't realize were by Bad Company. You probably thought it was Foriegner your whole life, but it wasn't. Its totally understandable that someone could think that some of their songs were by Foriegner...or maybe Cheap Trick. It does kind of sound like them, but its Bad Company. Look it up if you dont believe me. Anyway, they aren't good songs. They suck shit, actually. Still, when the concert ends, you're all "all those shitty songs...they were Bad Company all along...I never knew". All those shitty posts...you'll recognize them when you see them...that's Rustshack.
So Rustshack is just your skinny, geeky kid right out of central casting. He got the zits and the glasses, and the floodwater pants and the whole bit. He tries to go goth and be all dark and mad at the world, but he just looks like a pasty queer. He's dressed up as a vampire every Halloween since he was an eighth grader in 1999. Then, when vampire movies got popular, he got pissed off because everyone else dressed up like vampires for Halloween looked cooler than him. Seriously, Rusty...you were trying for Edward from Twilight, but people were getting Count Chocula from Kellogg's. So he would cry like a bitch, and the other kids would make fun of him. He thought about hanging himself but decided against it because vampires can't die from that. So he went to one of the other vampire/goth kids the next day for advice, they told him that he had to think of something even worse, so he went to Iowa State. (Look, not all of these jokes are going to be gems.)
So, anyway, **** you, Rustshack. Iowa State sucks. Steele Jantz sucks. Paul Rhodes sucks. Frazod is fat. Larry Eustachy is awesome for sucking down cool ones from cans with pull-tabs with hot skanks at Mizzou. You suck.
Pros: Isn't a KU fan. Isn't bothered by the fact that Top Gun was laced with latent homosexuality...he appreciates it for what it was...a pretty kickass movie that doesn't need me to defend it from YOU.
Cons: If he did hang himself, he could easily be mistaken for a flaccid penis dangling from a string if the person who was looking at him was kind of far away...or was close by but wasn't wearing their necessary prescription glasses or something. Probably knows enough about computers to track me down in real life if he took this the wrong way and decided to smear goat's blood on my door (or whatever the **** renaissance festivaly people do whenever they want to convey disapproval).
Outlook for Rustshack in 2014: Everyone will forget who he is again. Years from now, people will still talk about the time Dave got a DUI on the way home from that Foreigner concert.
Outlook for the Cylcones in 2014: Somewhere in the 5-7 to 7-5 range. Just like they are every year.
82. KCnative
Spoiler!
This little jumping bean occasionally posts about the Chiefs, but the vast majority of his work centers around accusing everyone of racism. It never occurs to him that it's not his race that makes people hate him...it's the fact that he's a fat, angry prick. I hate to break it to you, native, but you're basically frazod with a sombrero.
He came to Chiefs Planet because he is fascinated by sports in general. You see, where his family is from, sports aren't really part of the culture. After all, every Mexican who can run, jump, or swim sneaks into the US. Hootie's threads are of particular interest to him because all of native's brothers used to bus tables at hootie's restaurant, and now all of his sisters clean the rooms at hootie's hotel. In that regard, hootie is kind of the pied piper of pendejos.
He works in the financial services industry where he became a hero to his people when he realized that Mexicans in the US could write off their trucks as both a work vehicle AND an office. (I'm kidding, of course. They don't really file tax returns.)
Pros: Sells tamales out of a truck, and everything tastes better out of a truck. Has a dog that lives on the roof of his house.
Cons: Spends twenty minutes every afternoon making his chili dog at 7/11 and doesn't leave any toppings for anyone else. Brings live chickens on the bus.
Outlook for 2014: Will be higher on the list if he spends more time posting in threads about football and less time in threads about napping on other people's front lawns.
81. Notorious
Spoiler!
Notorious has a picture of his cat, Lobo (named after his favorite WNBA player) as his avatar. I should probably end this roast with that, but...whatever. Cats are for spinsters and pillowbitergots. Notorious is neither, so you know he hates them...so what gives? Why the **** does he have a cat? Well, I'll tell you why. Notorious has always kept a box full of piss and shit inside his house. People used to think of him as the sick **** with the boxes full of turds in his foyer. Now, he's just a guy with a cat, so his bizarre fetish seems socially acceptable. It's kind of a genius move, really. I mean, if I could get away with leaving dead hookers on my lawn by buying a ferret, I'd be at Petland right now.
Still, having cats around actually comes in handy for him, as he's a little too in touch with his feminine side, and he likes to gently stroke the cat while having himself a good cry. Pretty soon, though, he's going to have to tie the ****ing thing up in a burlap sack and throw it off a bridge, or I'm taking back what I said earlier about him not being a pillowbitergot.
All in all, he's an okay guy. I'll probably take him up on his offer to babysit my kids.
Pros: Really good at tickling. Keeps working at growing that mustache even though it isn't coming in very thick.
Cons: Huge fan of Jackson Browne. Drives a Plymouth.
Outlook for 2014: His neighbors will be asked to describe him on the local news.
80. Braincase
Spoiler!
Braincase loves to talk about how he knows all of the movers and shakers in the KU athletics department. He's always dropping tidbits of "inside information" that inevitably turn out to be wrong. I'm pretty sure the closest he's ever gotten to the Kansas athletics program is when he outbid frazod to win Mark Mangino's custom built toilet. It was a great moment for Braincase who has turned it into a shrine, but it sucked for frazod. He hates KU but was desperately in need of a toilet that could support his big fat ass while receiving the massive meat-logs he delivers. Fortunately, they were able to work out an arrangement wherein frazod can take his hippo dumps on the toilet while Braincase gives him blumpkins and imagines that frazod is actually coach Mangino.
While he may not be an insider with KU hoops, he was an assistant to the coach of an eighth grade girls basketball team...until he cracked under the pressure and got ejected from a game. (I'm not even joking. He made a thread about it that's absolutely hysterical...look it up.)
He has started over 500 threads in total, and that is the only one that doesn't suck. You'd think he would accidentally post an interesting topic every now and again, but he hasn't. Recent threads include such riveting topics as the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, licking a man's ass, and a princess Diana joke right at the height of its relevancy in 2011. At some point, he thought to himself, "CP is going to ****ing love this princess Diana joke...I can't wait to start a thread about it". We need more posters like him.
Pros: Was told that it's not butter, accepted it, and moved on...if he was in disbelief, he didn't show it. Beats the shit out of his kids. That wouldn't normally be considered a positive, but his kids are ugly and, as such, deserve every ass-whipping they get.
Cons: Wears pleated jeans. Drinks Taster's Choice coffee because he wants to celebrate the moments of his life.
Outlook for 2014: Dies when his skull is crushed under frazod's fupa. At his funeral, people will take solace in knowing that he died doing what he loved.
79. big nasty kcnut
Spoiler!
kcnut is genuinely one of my favorite posters on this board. Normally, you have to actually read a post or two before realize how stupid the posters on this board are. Nut saves you time because you don't have to read a single word of his incoherent ramblings in order to realize how insane he is. The first time I tried to decipher one of his bizarre missives, I felt like John Nash trying to intercept Soviet communications.
If you've never seen the big nasty, you can find his doppelganger helping out in the concession stand at any little league baseball complex in the country. Look for kid with the oversized hearing aids and the random shaved patches on the back of his head. (I'm not sure if those are related to surgery, or if he is just constantly trying to cut his own hair, but I don't know who to ask.) Fortunately, his hair is mostly covered up by the old-school motorcycle helmet that he has to wear at all times.
When he's not posting on CP, he's either handing people their Doritos Loco tacos through a window or putting together a political podcast. (The realization that this is simply a statement of fact rather than a joke is unsettling when you realize that his votes count as much as anyone's...and you know he votes.) If you ever want to send yourself into a coma but can't find a rock to bash against your head, you might want to consider giving him a listen. He is to Rush Limbaugh what frazod is to Alan Dershowitz. I guess it's a good hobby for him given the fact that his mom finally stopped secretly replacing the pet bunnies he kept hugging to "sleep", so who am I to judge?
Pros: Has amazing reerun strength. Incredibly, he has never eaten from a package with a skull and crossbones on the label. When he tucks his shirt in, the bottom of his shirt sometimes pokes through his fly, and that makes me laugh.
Cons: Makes LiveSteam look like the Indian kid at the Howard Scripps spelling bee. Chewed the points off all my new Crayolas in pre-school. I thought that was a shitty thing for an eleven year old to do.
Outlook for 2014: I expect big things from the big nasty. Hopefully he doesn't get cratered in a drone strike.
78. crazycoffey
Spoiler!
Hopefully everyone is breathing a sigh of relief seeing that I'm doing coffey's roast rather than hootie. If my roast of big nasty kcnut caused an uproar, a hootie roast of cc would probably spark an international incident. But enough about me and my giant cock...
Crazycoffey has a tendency to blur the lines between CP and real life as evidenced by the fact that he posted Clay's grandfather's contact information in a thread on this very board. You'd think he might know better than to do something like that, but he's a drunk...and an angry one at that. For more evidence of this, look no further than his infamous run-in with our own hootie.
As usual, hootie was minding his own business...objectively watching Peyton Manning highlights after a long day of ladling out soup to the less fortunate...when CC stumbled onto the board three Zimas deep and started talking shit about minorities. Now normally hootie isn't one for confrontation, but he will not tolerate mean-spirited comments about others. Coffey's response was to abuse the infraction system in order to get hootie banned. Naturally, hootie was beyond pissed, created a new account, and resumed setting cc straight in a stern but fair tone (or something like that...I don't remember the exact details...**** you). Coffey then did what any mentally unstable drunk would do in the middle of a heated argument...he sent hootie a PM about the most intimate, painful details of his own life...naturally.
Let me repeat this for Rico and anyone else who missed it... Crazycoffey, while in the midst of a nasty flame war with hootie, sent hootie a private message full of personal details about the ongoing problems in his marriage. Fortunately for coffey, hootie is a classy guy with a keen understanding of boundaries, so he kept those details private... I'm just ****ing with you. Hootie immediately shoved that shit right back in coffey's face. Would any sane person expect anything less from hootie? Of course not...but coffey is not sane. He is, however, a cop.
Let that ****ing sink in... Here is a guy who can't even be trusted with the infraction system, yet our tax dollars pay for him to carry a gun on behalf of the criminal justice system. Are you ****ing kidding me? I wouldn't trust this drunk to drive a goddamned honey wagon let alone a paddy wagon, but what the **** do I know?
Fortunately, hootie made a much-heralded return, and cc has been working to get his marriage back on track. He and his wife have even started dabbling in the swinging lifestyle in order to spice things up. Being a short, fat, bald guy, he doesn't exactly get invited to the "A-squad" parties like in Eyes Wide Shut, though. It's mostly a bunch of skinny white dudes going balls deep into fat Asian hookers while frazod sits in the corner trying desperately to find his penis, but coffey works with what he's got, and I can't fault him for that. The problem is that he tends to just show up, rip off all of his clothes, and yell, "orgy time". WTF, dude? That's terrible form. I mean yes, there's going to be an orgy, but even orgies at the Ramada expect a certain level of decorum...at least take off your socks and shoes. This isn't like back when you were a scout leader and took the kids on campouts. The webelos may not have known better, but that's no excuse for you.
Pros: Gets paid to harass minorities. Is handy with a sewing machine.
Cons: Doesn't wipe after he shits if it felt like it came out clean. (I understand his reasoning, but you still have to check.) Always does the "cha cha cha" thing when singing Happy Birthday.
Outlook for 2014: He and his wife answer an ad on adult friend finder only to find out when they meet up that it's Clay...evening goes better than expected.
77. Phobia
Spoiler!
Phil is a legend in his own mind. He has this peculiar habit of bragging over things that nobody else on the face of the earth even cares about. I swear to Christ, P, nobody gives a shit that you once called Trent Green "TrINT Green" 12 years ago. It was funny enough to generate a 44 post thread. Congratulations. Why is that throw-away of a thread in the ****ing Hall of Classics? Is that really a classic thread? In Phil mother****ing Kloster's head? Yes. To anybody else in the world? Hardly.
Phobia is the kind of guy who will only befriend people who are a rung below him in status. If you make more money than him...are smarter than him...have a better goatee than him...drive a faster Camaro than him, etc., he's going to run you off. You see, the most important thing to Phil is to surround himself with people who admire him. That makes him feel important. By weeding the successful people out of his circle, he gets to wax poetic about how he "only drinks the finest domestic macro brews" without getting called on his bullshit.
Everyone knows a guy like this. He's the guy who has his buddies over for beers so he can "big time" them. He'll make a big show about how generous he is with his beer. Then, he'll come out with a frosted mug for himself. "Nothing beats a cold one after a softball double-header, right guys? Feel free to drink my beer, but only the big guy gets the frosty mug. You guys can fight over who gets the koozie." He's also the guy who takes the extra base and slides in beer league softball games.
So that's pretty much phobia. He'll read this and pretend that he thinks it's sort of funny (but could be better if...). He may even poke a little fun at himself just to show how self-deprecating he can be. He doesn't think it's funny, though. He's WAY funnier than me. Don't believe him? Just ask any of the slightly older, slightly fatter, slightly less successful friends, and they'll back him up.
Pros: If frazod really wants to live in someone's head, phobia is the one guy who might be able to squeeze his fat ass in. Didn't really rip off a customer like billay said he did on his Facebook page.
Cons: Has a bizarre goatee size to face size ratio. Isn't a goatee supposed to at least be wider than your lips? Talks about how good he is at eating pussy to anyone who will listen...That must be a "thing" for middle aged dudes with beer guts and goatees because he's not the only one who does that, but it just creeps me the **** out.
Outlook for 2014: Bans hootie for no good reason...2,000 post threads fighting about it litter the front page for weeks...hootie comes back...sun rises, sun sets
76 Dave Lane
Spoiler!
76. Dave Lane
Dave is the embodiment of "stuck in the 80s guy". He peaked back in the days when movie bad-guys rode dirt bikes and your t-shirts turned colors when they got hot or cold. It was a kick-ass time, and nobody kicked more ass than Dave. He bought the sweetest hot tub that Watson's had to offer, and he used to rail chicks in it with Mark Gubicza. ("With Mark" might be a bit of an overstatement, actually. I mean, it WAS Dave's wife that Gubie was dumping his nuts into while Mr. Lane cheered, but Dave didn't get to touch her until after Mark would leave. Still...Dave was sitting on the edge of the tub, and his feet were in the water, so that ****ing counts.)
Anyway, as the years went by, Dave kept doing the same things. Those things just became a little less cool with time. I mean, he was still watching Royals players with mullets turn his wife inside out in that very same hot tub, but the nineties didn't have that same magic about them. Sure, Jeff Montgomery had a mullet too...but it just wasn't the same. It's kind of hard to pinpoint what changed...Dave blames the AIDS epidemic. That does make a little sense, I guess. After all, when you have to fish used condoms out of the filter, you realize that the raw-dogging innocence of the eighties is gone forever. Still, Dave didn't exactly do himself any favors.
You see, Dave has a habit of pissing in the hot tub. No big deal. We've all done it. I'm not saying it's right, but everyone sort of accepts it. Dave's problem wasn't so much that he peed in the hot tub...it was the fact that he would do it when he wasn't even in the tub at the time, and that's just bad form. (I'm not going to have this conversation with you again, Dave. I understand that the same urine gets in the pool either way. It's still way grosser when you're arcing a boner-whiz into the tub from 15 feet away.)
So now, thirty years have passed. The party has ended, and his wife is gone, but Dave just can't let it go. He's still got the hot tub and the "Missouri Compromise" hair style, but now he has to settle for jacking it to old school porn...the kind on tapes you have to rewind when you're done. If you forget, and someone comes over and turns on the television, they immediately know what scene you finished to. In Dave's case, it's always either the scene shot from directly behind the dude's asshole or the one where they show the guy's face right as he busts.
I understand that accidents happen. The chick's titties are waggling back and forth...she's really into it...you're about to blow...and then...pow...they cut to the ol' back of the sack cam, and you can't shut it down in time. You know in your head that it doesn't make you queer, but you still just feel sad and uncomfortable the rest of the day...like people somehow know. Then, you just get pissed off at the movie because "who the **** decided that putting a camera there was a good idea? Nobody wants to see that shit". Well, people like Dave want to see that shit. And people like Dave pay for porn. So if you're looking for someone to blame, Dave's your guy.
Pros: Once saw Steve Gutterberg while eating at at the High Boy. Above-average break-dancer. Those lessons have really paid off.
Cons: Hates religion with a passion because, back when he was an altar boy, that really handsome priest touched everyone but him. (Dave...it's like your dad told you...it's not the sex he was after. It was the chase.) Has black lights in his room that make his bed spread look like it's covered in glow-in-the-dark maps of Hawaii.
Outlook for 2014: Slips into a deep depression after his VCR eats his only copy of Butt **** Sluts go Nuts volume IX.
75 KnowMo roasted by PGM
Spoiler!
75. KnowMo2724
KnowMo is the typical, delusional Bronco fan...only on speed. He is one of the biggest homers to ever grace the board and has less football knowledge than Donger. Also, has a penchant for losing bets and welching on them in short order.*
He lives in his mom's basement and her meatloaf gives him the ability to post for hours at a time. She is pretty cool though. She takes him and his friends to Casa Bonita every year for his birthday to see the cliff divers and Black Bart's cave (ooooo scary). His most recent gift was a custom orange and blue 1974 Dodge Dart from Elway Motors.
Once, he convinced a drunken Hootie that he was a 22 year old college coed and a three way with a Peyton Manning fathead ensued. They then took pictures of the sheets covered in anal blood and framed them on the basement wall.
Positives: Went 16-0 in Madden on Pro difficulty after editing all Denver players to 99 overall. The meatloaf is pretty good. Only crossed swords once during the 3 way (swore that it was Peyton's, so it resumed).
Cons: He is Blackbob's Uncle everyone jokes about. Welches on bets. Still dresses as the Green Ranger for Halloween every year.
Outlook: After being found guilty in the trial he welches and comes back anyway. Never appears on the board again after Peydaton goes down in preseason ending his career.
74 Luv roasted by Mr. Flopnuts
Spoiler!
Luv is a name that almost anyone on this board would recognize if they've been around for a while. You either know her as the passive aggressive old nag that tries to play mommy to the board, or you remember her antics in the beginning in which seeking out Daddy's approval she joined CP, only to have it turn into a forum to help her with her Daddy issues.
Over the years Luv has given us a litany of additions to the CP lexicon such as Grape gatorade, Moooo, and Endelt raped me. Of course that case took care of itself when in court proceedings Endelt got the case dismissed by simply asking the judge “How could it have been rape your honor? She was on top!”
Luv has also contributed greatly to our community by organizing the Springfield get togethers. Quite an accomplishment for someone to be able to organize board get togethers 200 miles away from the city the board is centrally located. There have been staggering numbers at these get togethers including 4, 3, 2, and a whole bunch of 1's.
What many people should really appreciate about Luv is that she is one of the members that takes a very personal approach to the board. And she's not afraid for the rest of us to learn from her mistakes. Such as, why you should never finance a car for a booty call you've been sleeping with for less than 3 months. How professing your illness on the board may lead someone of the opposite sex to picking up some grape gatorade for you and pounding your baby maker. Other gems include mid life crisis booty calls, and questioning the morals behind them after the deed has been done, how to find yourself in the friend zone with every individual you meet due to your own inability to hide your self consciousness, and why the postal service and their workers are such an important commodity to our society.
The good news is, after being laid off and taking the time to gain a certificate to become a paralegal from an [scratch]online[/scratch]local instituion that offered an 18 week course, she is now no longer living with her father at 38 years of age, and only took a 40% pay cut. We should appreciate her showing us the value of a higher education. She really is an asset to the board, and someone we should appreciate being able to interact with on a daily basis.
Pros: This is a member that you have a legitimate shot of sleeping with, whether you are married or not. She's also someone that you can almost rest assured has less knowledge about the game of football than you do, which should help pump up your internet ego. Almost a guarantee to provide a laugh, and life lesson (or simple reminder) every time she starts a thread.
Cons: Doesn't include pics of numerous said booty calls (some may consider this a pro, apply to your life as needed) tends to be very passive aggressive when she disagrees with a take, or moderator decision. If you sleep with her, it may become a hot topic of board conversation for years to come.
Outlook for 2014: Luv is decreasing her activity on this board, but not in her online sexual life. This may change as her mid life crisis is transitioning from fun, to blowhard. Outside possibility of major board entertainment should she show up at this year's bash and sleep with Clay. Marriage is slim to none, as it's unlikely she'll ever take Daddy off of his pedestal and put a man in his place.
73. Mr Flopnuts (by Iowanian)
Spoiler!
Hi Ma'am, is Chiefsplanet home? No? Well could you tell me where he is living now? Well we used to work together over at mumblemumble and I was trying to find him to pay him the money I owe him that I borrowed after we got a flat over on the bi-pass. I also wanted to tell him about the recent untimely departure of our good friend. So his number is 555-555-1122...thanks Ma'am.
Hi Chiefsplanet, It's flopnuts and your ass is being collected. Pay Video Adventure the late fees on those Disney movies or you're going to be sodomized by a 400lb man. Boom, Collected.
The name flopnuts was proven to be a poker reference when the planet learned that the poster maintaining the name hasn't been able to see his own unit under his panniculus since 1979.
If his skill in Texas holdem is similar to his track record as a mod, it's no wonder he's dealing strip club literature on the Branson boardwalk like an immigrant in front of Bills Casino in vegas.
Flopnuts brings alot to the table. Well, technically he takes more off of the table. Flopnuts has on occasion referred to as a pile of shit, well let me tell you friends I know this is not true. At his rotund stature if that were indeed true, he would be stinking out a town in Kansas.
Flopnuts is the Yin and Yang of Chiefsplanet, as it's not everyone who lives such a varying lifestyle. He buys his $3 elastic band sweat pants at Lane Bryant and his condoms at Baby Gap but he is able to maintain balance by contrasting demands of high road of moderating with low brow shots at posters unable to defend themselves. His new motto....Stay thirsty my friends.
When it comes to multitasking, flop was voted most efficient poster. It's not everyone who can fit that much dude and belongings into a smart car to relocate half way across the nation. Always the optimist, he proved the envy of NASA scientists by stretching his T-shirt collection over the top of the car, where he can both dry and keep the Hanes collection wrinkle free, but change the color every day. He wins cool points with Ricer drivers because they think the Tshirt pockets are a hood scoop. When it comes to attention, no one rivals his desire which is why he'll live the dream by entering the Nathan's 4th of July hog dog contest in his costume of nude.
Pros: Aspirations are reasonable and he will likely make his goal of having his pic on the home page of People of walmart. If you're looking for someone to take material from other posters and mold it into his own, flopnuts is your guy. Also winning in life.....just found $3.75 tucked into his fupa.
cons: Penned an epic roast of luv but spilled a jug of cookies bbq sauce on it and was unable to duplicate it.
Outlook for 2014: Successful failed diet thread, credit for continued attempts and more fat jokes.....a lot more fat jokes.
72. patteeu (by frazod)
Spoiler!
Patteeu must be a retired lawyer. Nothing else makes sense. No one else could possibly have the time to argue about anything and everything, all the time, be so skilled at it, and get off on it so much. Some people lust for life. Patty lusts for strife. If strife was hot dogs, he'd be Takeru Kobayashi. If strife was blueberry pie vomit, he'd be Lard Ass Logan. Patty wants everybody fighting everybody else, constantly. He prefers political arguments, but any old fight will do. If you're an annoying troll, DaFace and/or Flopnuts may eventually be your personal savior, but patteeu is your champion. You complete him.
Patty's darkest day came in 2004, when he and the rest of the politards were cast down to the infernal reaches of the DC forum. And while our own little Lucifer has resigned himself to ruling in Hell (at least over the neocons), he still longs for a forum reunification, where football threads are buried beneath an avalanche of political crap, everybody is furious, and he is pleased enough to nearly remember what sexual arousal was like. In the meantime, he fans the flames of discontent in the main forum whenever an opportunity presents itself.
Pros: Despite championing anarchists on ChiefsPlanet, he is himself deeply conservative and a stalwart Republican, but really only in the stodgy, greedy big business sense. Not a big religion or NRA type of Republican. Although he did rush out to buy his first shotgun and tried his hand at hunting as soon as he heard about Dick Cheney shooting that guy in the face. Supports the troops, as long as that really doesn't entail him doing anything. Or giving them anything. Or talking to them. Or being around them. Eww. And there was a time when you'd have had to pay $400 an hour to listen to his crap, but now you get it for free!
Cons: Just because he goes to bat for you, doesn't mean he likes you. You are a vessel full of strife, and when the strife is exhausted, just as a junkie discards the empty baggie, you are of no further use to him. And his strife fix is sated via the internet, and not needed or requested in his rigidly-ordered real life. Just because he argued with Phobia for six months about the injustices of you getting banned doesn't mean you're friends, buster. Don't try to come to his gated community - he will call security.
Outlook: The world's going to hell in a handbasket, and patteeu's loving it! Expect more of the same. Over and over and over.
71. Bob Dole
Spoiler!
To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure that Bob actually exists. Sure, I've seen pictures of him, and I've heard people tell stories about seeing him in person...but I've seen pictures and heard stories about The Loch Ness Monster and Chupacabra as well. Frankly, the pictures and stories of him aren't that dissimilar to those of Bigfoot, so I remain skeptical.
When Bob was still a young schoolboy...shortly after the Treaty of Versailles was signed to end the Great War...he set out to make some friends. The popular kids played football, but Bobby was far too frail for such hurly-burly. He blamed his feebleness on polio, but the truth is...he was just a little bitch. That option being off the table, he did the next closest thing. He became a male cheerleader. Even in the dust-bowl days, it was pretty pathetic. I mean, he wasn't even one of the strong male cheerleaders who got to touch the girls' asses. He was more the "Rah Rah Rah, Sis Boom Bah" type. Unfortunately for little Bobby D, his cracking voice sounded even worse through a megaphone. Disappointed, but not discouraged, he turned in his sweater and joined the band and found his true calling.
He still had no discernible talent, but the victrolas used in those days weren't exactly high fidelity, so his shortcomings were less noticeable. Eventually, he got a full-time gig in Show Biz...as a member of the Rock-afire Explosion. It wasn't exactly Fibber McGee and Molly, but it beat working in the mines for two bits an hour, so he stuck it out for decades before ultimately being replaced by an automatonic Bear named Billy Bob.
Older, but wiser, he decided to start his own band. He went to his old high school's Battle of the Bands competition where he recruited new members by playing up his ability to buy beer for the band (a huge selling point for young teens) and get senior discounts at the Black Eyed Pea (less of a factor in their decision). Bob Dole was back.
Unfortunately for Bob and the rest of the band, this was back when MTV still played videos, and this radio star was the first casualty. It wasn't all bad, though. He did have a slight brush with fame when his song "Get Out of My Yard, Get Off of My Lawn" was overheard by a young Billy Ocean who later popularized a slightly re-branded version. Bob still receives royalty checks...and Social Security checks.
Pros: Voted for FDR four times. Invented the Hot Toddy
Cons: Still uses an old Sears catalog as spank material because he swears he saw a nipple showing through one of the lacier bras. (Bob...I know what you think you saw, but trust me on this one. The "red spot" you saw is simply an imperfection in the paper...not a nipple. I know this to be true because it's a black and white catalog). Eats dinner at 2 PM before leaving dimes as a tip.
Outlook for 2014: Falls. Can't get up.
70. Sweet Daddy Hate/Raised On Riots/Darth CarlSatan (roasted by Clay)
Spoiler!
70. Sweet Daddy Hate/Raised On Riots/Darth CarlSatan
It seems like everyone hates this douche but me, so I am well qualified to roast his ass up. Darth CarlSatan (I enjoy his original, unabashedly stupid, yet silly username the most) is often the butt of drug-related jokes, which is great because clearly he's smoking something to register on a forum where he's largely despised for a third time after being banned for reasons I've completely forgotten.
Used to be fat, like Frazod, but apparently got all lean and ripped up. Not clear whether it was completely due to illegal stimulants or some combination of those and the backbreaking manual labor that he was forced into since ex-cons usually can't get anything else. Rumor has it he's a roofer or something. Hootie tried to PM him to get some roofies upon learning this, only to discover roofing has nothing to do with selling date-rape drugs. DarthCarl hooked him up anyway, bringing his CP friend total to two.
Note: not sure if he actually IS an ex-con, but it fits with the whole "bad boy" persona he has attempted to cultivate since joining. Almost assuredly, he has posted from jail at least once.
Also claims to have wild sexual trysts from time to time in random dating threads. Unsure if he's been pleasing 190-pound soccer moms who invite him in for "a cool drink" when he comes down off the roofs he's thatching together, or if it's just luv and they're keeping it a dark, dirty CP secret. Hey, he had to do SOMETHING to bring his CP friend total to three.
Pros: ****ing hated Matt Cassel before it was cool to do so. Despite being in the top 10 most douchiest posters, has actually shown up to a pair of CP bashes. Wore a Brandon Flowers jersey that said "BMF" on the back. Oh wait, I think that part belongs in...
Cons: Yes, he was one. Is basically hated by everyone, save other douches, except Dane McCloud, who is No. 1 on Sweet Daddy Hate's "people to kill" list. I am now No. 2.
69.Setsuna (by rico)
Spoiler!
# 69: Setsuna
* I was hesitant to do this one because roasting Setsuna is eerily similar to literally roasting chocolate in a crock-pot. A meltdown is inevitable and things are bound to get messy.
* Setsuna is commonly referred to as “Token” on Chiefsplanet. I assume this is because he is our “token” Jaguars fan. Every NFL team’s message board has a Jags fan poster, since the Jags fanbase is so darn stupid, none of them have figured a way to create their own message board. So of course, they sponge off of other NFL teams’ boards. It’s either that, or he got the nickname because he has tendency to steal arcade game tokens from people. One thing that I’ve learned in life is to never trust a Jaguars fan, especially if you have any form of currency in your pockets.
* Setsuna has a year round tan. Must be freaking nice living in Florida, where the sun shines all year round. I’d love to not have to spend money on a tanning bed during the winter and I’m sure Simply Red can relate.
* Setsuna ended up making Chiefsplanet his home on accident. Initially, he was trying to locate a different planet with members who are more similar to him…planet of the apes. These people are more similar to him because in terms of science……..Setsuna is really interested in Science fiction.
* When you google the word, “Setsuna,” you will discover that it is a Japanese word meaning, “a moment; an instant.” I don’t know why, but when I read the word, “instant,” it immediately reminded me of Uncle Ben’s instant cream of wheat. I tell ya what, when that Uncle Ben’s package indicates the cream of wheat being “instant,” it means it. During the Olympics one summer, I was able to begin fixin’ a bowl of that at the start of a Michael Phelps swim race, and was finished so quickly that I was still able to catch the majority of Michael Phelps proving himself the master of the swim race. And speaking of uncles, I recently read a well-known, influential book titled, “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.” I’d recommend the book to Setsuna if I felt he was interested in any reading material besides Japanimation comics.
* Pros: I like him. He’s hands down, our best Jaguars troll. He is way better than Blackmon. With a username like, “Blackmon,” I knew that guy was no good from the start. Yup, a username based off a stereotypical trouble-makin’ Jacksonville Jaguar, racking up DUI’s and receiving a 4 game suspension for the start of the 2013 season due to violating the substance abuse policy. Sounds about right. Setsuna lives in Florida. I hear they grow good watermelon in Florida. Maybe he could bring some Florida watermelon up with him to Kansas City for a visit sometime…?!?! That would be nice of him.
* Cons: He is probably an ex-con (most Japanimation-Jaguars fans are). Ex-cons like Setsuna are the reason(s) why that bastard, Aaron Hernandez will probably get away with murder. Setsuna claimed he was going to convert from the Jags to being a Chiefs fan if the Chiefs ended up with Cyrus Gray and Tyler Bray on their roster. He did not follow through with this and honestly, I don’t know why I thought he would to begin with, for you can’t trust a Jaguars fan to remain faithful to his word. Oh well, once you go Jack, you never go back, I guess….
* Future Outlook: Chiefsplanet is like a horror movie and I predict Setsuna will be the first one to die in this shit-show. The reason being because of all this jazz I constantly hear about the Jaguars moving to Los Angeles. Jaguars fans are a dying breed.
68. Burt (by J Diddy)
Spoiler!
Burt #68
Burt is a swell guy. He's so swell that nobody knows who he is, yet has multiple posts. He lives in this sweet little land that prevents him from actually flashing his testerone and picking a side in an argument, thereby allowing him to remain anonymous.
Despite his anonymity there are a couple of things that we can gather. The first of which is he's dropping weight like a rock and by a rock we mean he's using meth. We think he's taking it from frazod because the lighter he gets, the fatter frazod gets. Also his hair is falling out too and he's acquired multiple automatic weapons for "recreational use." Overall not a bad dude but come on. You've got a problem.
Pros: Extremely mellow, has a monkey on his avatar that has more hair on his balls than burts hair.
Cons: Bad meth addiction that's turning him into frazod. Too ****ing mellow, doesn't realize that "Burt" is a combination of two words "butt hurt" and needs to exercise that once. Seriously, grab some danglies.
Outlook: Most likely will die in a meth deal/gun deal/rogain deal gone bad at frazod's house in the next year or will continue to shrink to the size of an oompa loompa and go live amongst the lolliie pop kids.
67. petez28 (by PGM)
Spoiler!
pete is best known on here for being a whiny little bitch. Anywhere there is a game thread, he is sure to be involved bleeding all over the place.
This extends to outside of the board as well. A few days ago, he became angry at his son's Little League game. A pitch to a Royal batter was called a strike even though it was a quarter inch off the plate according to the game tracker on his phone. He began cursing and a fellow dad decided to play White Knight. To the shame of his family, pete was choked out by a badass, drunk dentist.
Being a Jr. High girls softball ump gives him the right to question calls though in his mind. Unfortunately, he has to wear a cup to hide the shame boners of underage ass.
Pros: Drives a pretty sweet camaro. Mullets STILL rock.
Cons: On the rag 12 months out of the year. Boners with a cup on are very uncomfortable.
Outlook: Never posts again after a visit to Dr. Giggles
Last edited by Pasta Little Brioni; 07-01-2013 at 09:02 AM..
I'm guessing #78 in this thread. Hootie couldn't just leave it alone. But, we get to await the time of his return (again), when it all starts over (again).
__________________ I think the young people enjoy it when I "get down," verbally, don't you?
I'm guessing #78 in this thread. Hootie couldn't just leave it alone. But, we get to await the time of his return (again), when it all starts over (again).
More like #70. After I spent all that time this morning disproving him with direct quotes both from him and DaFace, he was putting blame in the middle now instead of accepting it. I'm done. He has a serious learning disability.
More like #70. After I spent all that time this morning disproving him with direct quotes both from him and DaFace, he was putting blame in the middle now instead of accepting it. I'm done. He has a serious learning disability.
Sorry, yes, #70.
__________________ I think the young people enjoy it when I "get down," verbally, don't you?
You moody, dramatic, prima-donna, whiney, little he-bitch.
* You are so gay (NTTAWWT). You have the CP username of an owl. You have the physique of an emu. You have a man-crush on a Seahawk (Russel Wilson). You are fruitier than the toucan on the Fruit Loops box. You have a tendency to grab cocks and brag about it on CP. To top things off, you are so light in the loafers that you are basically flying. I think the evidence is staggering. Hootie, you clearly are a man for the birds.
* Hootie is known to have a lot of "haters" on CP. He is also known to have had his share of homosexual encounters. Haters...homos....Hootie. H.H.H. TRIPLE H! Any connection to the WWE wrassler? If there is a connection, please do us ALL a favor and grab his penis and try to make out with him the next time you see him. In other words, do many of us a favor and kill yourself, Hootie. For the love of God, Hootie, if you love the members of CP as much as you claimed in your infamous womanifesto, then please off yourself so we don't have to read anymore roarin' from ROR about how you are on the path to doing so anyways...with your excessive drinking and all. And if you don't do it for us, do it for ROR, man. Stop being a selfish little prick and make ROR's wildest wishes and wet dreams come true. Will you go to hell? Yeah... probably. As I stated in my first "roast," it seems as if one of your biggest haters on this board is a user named, "luv" and considering that the name, "luv," implies "love," and Jesus is the poster boy for love, then Jesus hates you, which makes your chances of entry to heaven very, very slim, for I doubt Jesus wants to be around someone who he hates for eternity (especially if he's constantly having to swat your adulterous hands off his junk). Don't let that bother you though, Hootie. Hell won't be so bad. Darth Carl Satan will make sure your time spent in hell is enjoyable. He will take nice, nice care of you. He will be your sweet daddy...of hate.
* Hootie is notorious for his back and forth battles with a moderator named Phobia aka Phil. I remember first noticing these exchanges and thinking, "holy shit, along with sticking things up his ass, Hootie likes to stick it to the man!!!" However, recent statements made by Hootie to Phobia, such as, "you leave me alone, I'll pretend you no longer exist" and "let's truce it, you don't mention me or post about me, I don't mention you or post about you" made me realize that my initial thoughts of Hootie "sticking it to the man" were far from correct. In fact, he seems desperate to avoid Phobia at this point. Hootie has developed a phobia of Phobia. He is Phobiaphobic...and Dr. Phil refuses to help his sorry ass. What kind of weak, timid person develops an irrational fear of irrational fears? Seriously?
A little bitch, that's who.
* Hootie recently mentioned moving from Dallas to Champaign. Which is ironic, for I can just imagine Clay and Hootie, drinking champagne and watching reruns of Dallas and having a gay old time together. Hootie of course, resting his champagne glass on this new “gym rat” version of Clay’s buns, while Clay simultaneously does push-ups, dreams of the day he receives his first vote on exploremodeling.com and works on his new Matt Cassel manifesto during commercial breaks. Some Hootie haters have claimes that Hootie is infatuated with Clay. Honestly, I can see it. In fact, I think it's gotten to the point where it has become borderline ridiculous. This claim is supported by Hootie's obsession with calling out Frazod for being fat. It has become clear to every member of CP that the formerly obese Clay has become a gym rat and now seems to possess a genuine hatred towards obese/fat people. No one can convince me that Hootie's obsessive rants of disgust in Frazod's weight aren't a direct result of him wanting to be like Clay, by hating on fat people. They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. And 8 years ago, who the **** would have guessed that Hootie would become more fattery than Clay. With a beer-gut, just itching to catch up with him at age 28, it makes me wonder who else Hootie will "out-fat" 8 years from now? My guess is that Frazod is a possibility.
* Speaking of the show, "Dallas," and Hootie's time he spent living in the city, I bet when Hootie left Dallas, people weren't scratching their heads asking each other, "who shot Hootie?" If someone shot Hootie, no one from Dallas would give a shit. In fact, I assume they'd expect it. They'd be thinking, "well, it was bound to happen by some teenage girl's pissed off father anyways." If Hootie's friends from Dallas were under the impression that Hootie vanished because he died, I bet the real question on their minds is, "who ****ed him up the ass to give him the AIDS that probably killed him?" And they wouldn't be wondering because they were concerned with Hootie's well-being, but for their own safety because they want to make sure they don’t take it up the ass from that dude themselves...remember, these are in fact, Hootie's friends I am referring to. They all take it in the ass. He said it himself that his high school graduating class was “the gay class.” NTTAWWT.
* Hootie is developmentally disabled. The last I knew, “developmentally disabled” was considered the preferred nomenclature for “reeruned.” (I genuinely do prefer using the preferred nomenclature). Over the years, Hootie has said some extremely offensive shit which has, on many occasions, been very hurtful to other CP members. However, any time someone confronts him of his past or present offensive statements, he immediately resorts to redirecting the blame to Dane in an attempt to justify his own actions. He references one statement made by Dane in particular. Dane apparently referred to someone who is a father of a child with special needs as a “reerun breeder.” Therefore, whenever Hootie is threatened with another ban due to something he said, he immediately resorts to saying, “Dane called someone a reerun-breeder!” And he doesn’t get off of it. He obsesses with that statement to justify his own actions. He is ****ing fixated with it. After a while, I began wondering why the hell he was so fixated on this one statement (in a forum that is literally an cesspool of ongoing offensive statements) and it became clear to me. Hootie is so offended and fixated with Dane’s “reerun-breeder” statement because his own parents are “reerun-breeders.” I understand, I would personally be little upset if someone referred to my mother as “fat.” So I can understand Hootie being distraught over his parents indirectly being referred to as “reerun breeders” because of his own conception and birth. My thoughts on this were confirmed a couple days ago when Hootie posted a video of himself falling on a table and breaking it, followed by him beating the shit out of the table with one of the legs. His form, while beating the table with the leg, brought me right back to an evening where I chaperoned a Special Olympics softball practice 2 summers ago. A guy struck out due to not swinging at a pitch that hit home plate. He proceeded to throw a fit by attacking home plate with his baseball bat because he said “the plate moved” while the ball was pitched to him. While beating the shit out of home plate with his bat, his form looked exactly like Hootie beating the shit out of that table with the leg. Mirror freaking images of each other. This dude was the captain of the blue team. Due to disciplinary reasons, we had to find a new captain. This was a difficult task, for no one else on the team wanted to take his place. Damn it, if only Hootie would have been there, I’m sure he would have jumped at the opportunity to be captain. Captain Tasty Cheeks leading the blue team to victory!
*Pros: Texansplanet. I fully expect Hootie to eventually banter his way to "bant" status. And when that happens, Texansplanet may finally take off. Why is this a good thing? Well, when the Chiefs begin pursuing Matt Schaub as their QBOTF in a couple years, it will be convenient to check in to that site to see what the Texan fans have to say about the guy. (Hootie is not really developmentally disabled. Hootie is also funny sometimes, brings a lot to the board and has a unique mindset regarding football. Not to mention, he likes the movie “Baseketball,” which is a criminally underrated movie).
*Cons: Texansplanet. The loss of Hootie could potentially be a catastrophic loss for our beloved Chiefsplanet in terms of traffic and quality of posters. We all know that love him or hate him, Hootie is good for website traffic flow. Hootie has an abundance of both fanboys and haters. The majority of his fanboys MIGHT follow him to Texansplanet and his loyal haters, such as; J Diddy, Frazod, Donger, etc will SURELY follow him there and make that site their new home. That is an awful thought. I mean, honestly…how the **** will CP manage to survive a catastrophe as serious as losing Donger to Texansplanet? Donger is the driving force behind Chiefsplanet with his infinite wisdom, friendly demeanor, elaborate posts, anti-trolling stance and amazing football knowledge. I shudder at that thought.
*Outlook for the future: A permaban that lasts 6 months. A new womanifesto where we have to sift through the redundant “Dane” finger-pointing to justify his own actions which resulted in his banning. Also, a bunch of H's, for Hootie, that are likely to be prevalent in his future. In the future, Hootie will be: Hootie-style man-whoring; harassing Hugh Hefner; Herbie hand-cockin’ his hot dog to Hamas’s posts; hand-hockeying to Hustler; handling his ham; wipin’ hash-marks off his panty-hose; humpty dancin’ with heavy hippo-lookin’ chicks; happy-dancin’ with horse-cocks; hershey-squirtin’ on the chests of hefty heffers; hog-squirtin’ with Hog Farmer; hacking hairballs from huffing the hairy, hog-warty hoo-has of homeless hoes; humpin’ hoochie-mamas; hustlin’ hobos for their Hamm’s beer; heiling Hitler to heebs during Hanukkah; gettin’ hammered and hungover off Hennessey; a habitual offender doin' hard time; hunted by haters; hip-hurting the hipsters (way to go, Hootie); honking on hag-nipply hooters; receiving hummers from homos (NTTAWWT); receiving hand-jobs from hoodrats; receiving head from horny whores; engaging in hiney-sex with hemorrhoid-infested he-bitches; hooking up with hookers; hoarding STD’s such as HPV, herpes and HIV; having heart complications; denied from heaven and hell-bound to hang with Hate (Sweet Daddy style).
05-20-2013, 03:00 PM
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