Another Bob Dole NFBT Rant

[Bob Dole]

You were warned.

Bob Dole realizes there are some devoutly religious individuals here on the Planet, and actually reads most of the religion-based threads without participating. Bob Dole freely admits to having some serious doubts about the usefullness of organized religion, but openly respects everyone's personal beliefs.

Given that preface, here's the latest event from the Neighborhood from Hell.

As you probably know, Bob Dole's entire lawn equipment inventory performed an assisted disappearing act from the garage last fall. As you probably guessed, Bob Dole has not been eager to rush out and buy new lawn equipment, fearing that it will meet the same end. Thusly, Bob Dole's "lawn" ain't been touched since last fall--except for the motocross track Reliant Energy so thoughtfully built in the side yard.

Other useful background: Bob Dole lives across the street from a large Baptist church. Last Spring, a week after Bob Dole moved in, one of the neighbors (who happens to be a member of the Baptist church across the street) came over and asked Bob Dole if he could do something with his "lawn" because the church was trying to make the neighborhood look nice. Bob Dole, who has historically taken pride in the lawn's appearance, was embarassed that a neighbor came to ask, and promptly fixed the problem lawn, and improved it with flowers and such over the course of the Spring/Summer. At the time of the equipment theft, Bob Dole's lawn looked better than the complaining neighbor's, and he actually had the nerve to stop by as Bob Dole was sweating his fat white ass off one Saturday afternoon and tell Bob Dole as much.

So Bob Dole is sitting here about 15 minutes ago and the Chihuahua Alert System goes haywire and Bob Dole looks out to see some unknown 60-something male walking up the walk. Bob Dole turns down the top volume Hoobastank and answers the door accompanied by 14 total pounds of fury and steps out on the porch with Bud in hand.

"How are you?" inquires the old coot.

"Other than trapped in a house with furious Chihuahuas, pretty well," replies Bob Dole. (Bob Dole takes a pull on the bottle...)

Old guy: "Good...good. Has anyone mention that we has a prospective new minister coming in to visit this weekend?"

Sensing what is about to transpire, suddenly less-pleasant Bob Dole replies, "Why would they? I don't attend that church."

Old fart: "Uh-hum. Well, we have a prospective new minister coming in to visit..."

Rude Bob Dole interrupts, "I gathered that much. Thanks."

Raisin: "Well...um...er...well... We're trying to make sure the neighborhood looks really good and were wondering whether you could do anything with your yard."

Bob-I-Knew-It-Dole: "No, I can't."

Prune Eater: blank stare

Bob-Increasingly-Disgusted-Dole: "Someone was kind enough to steal all my lawn equipment last Fall and I have not yet replaced it. I have been talking to a guy about buying his used Toro, and if he actually shows up with it before the weekend, you can rest assured I'll use it. If he doesn't, I don't really have any way to take care of it. I don't like looking at this shit either, if you want to know the truth, but I'm hesitant to go out and spend $500 on new lawn equipment so the dirtbags can break into the garage and steal it again."

Already-Paid-for-My-Burial-Plot-Man: "Ummm. Hmmmm. Well..."

Bob Dole: "You know, I noticed you had the church lawn done today. If it was really a big concern, you could have had them come over here and chop down my weed patch. Or you can send them back to do it tomorrow if you want. You know...in the spirit of 'Christian Charity' and all..."

Why-Did-I-Get-Elected-to-this-Shit-Guy: blank stare

Bob Dole: (Resisting the urge to point out that the guy does the blank stare thing quite a bit and might want to see his physician about it.) Well, if you guys want to do that, or if the guy shows up with the used mower before Friday and it actually works, I'll sure have it looking spiffy for you. I'm not going to go buy new equipment, nor am I going to pay anyone to come mow it, so I guess it's your choice."

At which point Bob Dole turned around and walked back in to Chihuahua Haven.

Bob Dole supposes the question is: Was Bob Dole out of line? And if you've got enough sack to go ring someone's doorbell to bitch about their yard, and you're really a compassionate, caring person living the Christain lifestyle, wouldn't you feel obligated to offer some sort of solution (other than scissors) when informed that some shitbag stole all the lawn equipment? Hell, Bob Dole doesn't go to church and has mowed a neighbor's yard more than once when they couldn't/wouldn't.

Bob Dole probably isn't going to mow the thing if the guy shows up with the mower in 15 minutes. It's the principle.

They must do it different in Tejas.

I don't know why your yard would keep a preacher from coming to a church.....Its actually a new concept to me.....as a Catholic, they don't have a choice.

I don't think they had the right to ask you to cut your grass because of that. If it were a problem, I know that one of our guys would have just done it, or as suggested, had the youth group etc...help you out.

or at least loan you a mower.

Charity is supposed to be a major part of what "we" do.
I've cut wood for an old lady who couldn't and heated by wood stove only.
worked on Habitat for humanity home remodeling
mowed yards
collected food
donated mon-ay, etc...


I currenly have a couple of neighbor problems with garbage in my yard. One is an old man whose wife is dying. His garage is losing shingles badly and about 5 gallon bucket a week blows into my yard.....I just pick them up and say nothing....he has enough to worry about.

The other is a new "subway" that is pretty close.....After 9 months of picking up subway cups, lids, wrappers, and boxes......Last week I picked up 5 large boxes, several cups etc....I took them back over, put them in the dumpster and mentioned it to the shift manager(kid) politely....The next day....3 more large boxes....Took them back and asked the kid to kindly have his manager remedy the situation...asked for the managers hours, and mentioned that this would be my last polite return..

Next time, I'm piling it up in a box, and dumping it in the lobby during the lunch crowd rush.......They should at least hook me up with a free "Jarrod action figure" or card.

[gh4chiefs]

I don't think you were out of line and probably handled it better than I would have. I basically would have told him to get lost and mind his own damn business.

[Bootlegged]

They should at least hook me up with a free "Jarrod action figure" or card.

Damn!t.....now I have the "he's Henry, Clay Henry" song in my head.

Jarrod, Clay

Bob dole should consider buy an in operable 1970's model monte Carlo, park in front yard, remove tires and set on blocks. That way you could meet the Texas lawn care recommendations.

You can also decorate with a used toilet in the yard, w/ pot full of Flower of your choice. Don't forget the cutout of the large old lady bending over to show them her bloomers.

[ROYC75]

The guy was out of line, a minsiter shouldn't look at the surrounding property to make judgement on accepting the job.
The man took the wrong approach...........

As for Mr. Dole...outta line ? To some people, yes, to most...NO ! Not sure how I would have reacted in this situation.... these things catch you off guard.

But I would have loved to be present for this one, to see the reaction of our famous senator in action. Can see it now.... sarcatic demeanor ,wise cracking Texan with a beer in the hand..........

" Priceless "

[Bob Dole]

The bent over wooden lawn ornament thing is an excellent idea. Maybe Bob Dole can find one before Saturday.

[e_train69]

Bob's gonna be known as the stinky guy in the neighborhood next.

I've been thinking.

If someone were to complain about my lawncare choices...I might be inclined to purchase a goat for about $12 at any auction barn......tie a 10lb weight to a rope around its neck or leg.....and let it gingerly wander my home range.

It would chew down the weeds in wonderful shapes and patterns, and leave natural fertilizers to improve your turf. Its hooves work as aeration devices, it doesn't polute the ozone(other than occasional methane gas), serves as a petting zoo for the poor children of the congregation and it can "sing" along during their services.

AND the next time the old guy comes over....You can ask him if the goat just called him "Daaaaa' aa'aad"

[Skip Towne]

I hope they send Terdell Sands over to "request" your co-operation next time. hee hee

[58Forever]

I think you showed remarkable restraint Mr. Dole...

I am just glad for your sake that you are not a 9 year old boy...oh wait, that's the Catholics...(I'm Catholic so bugger off, I can make jokes about my own religion if I want...)

Send me an airline ticket and I'll come down and mow for you.

[Bob Dole]

Bob Dole has been asking people at work to contribute tacky lawn ornaments, but hasn't gotten any offers yet. Someone did inidicate that Wally World has some extremely gaudy pink flamingo windmill things in stock, however.

[headsnap]

find out the Ministers name and paint a big welcome sign really badly, mis-spell every other word, let the paint run, just make it look bad. Put up the sign and decorate the outside of your house with tacky streamers, and baloons.

make him think that you are a freak that attends the church.


that should teach em...

[Otter]

May I suggest an ornament for the front window senator...

[Pennywise]

I also think this man's intentions were wrong, and his priorities.

He should have started complaining about the Chihuahua alert system first.

The shrill barks, followed by a stern, thunderous shout of disapproval from Bob Dole.

That has got to be worse than the yard and louder than Hoovastank.


Next time spit beer in his face. That is always a deterrent for future visits.

[BIG_DADDY]

BD would suggest calling the church and ask when said preacher will be visiting. When he arives have some Disturbed cranking about a 1000 watts with all your windows open. When the old raisin shows up answer the door nude with 666 tattood on Bob Dole's forehead. That should be the last time you see those guys.