Dane knows child music talent like no other. He can spot a success upon first glance; it doesn't take him long to undress the childish facade they put up so he can see the enormous potential throbbing within them. He's a real audiophile, too-- his taste and knowledge of music makes him well-known around the neighborhood. I have no idea if he still owns all of his records, tapes, 8-tracks, and CDs, or if he's gone completely digital, but I understand it's quite a secret collection. It's probably enough to fill up a rather large utility van.
He told me once that he lives just a few houses away from Marina Sirtis. That is really ****ing cool as crap, and I'll totally admit that I'm jealous. However, while Dane's cool and all, I feel really bad for Marina. Every time he needs to go over to her house to borrow a cup of sugar, she must get overwhelmed from sensing the enormous douchebag energy approaching her doorstep. Then again, I guess that scenario would never happen. Dane is a very independent and self-determined individual, and he takes care of himself pretty well. If you suggested to him that he might be able to save that creme broulee if he just sought out some help from Marina, he would probably ignore it and try to fix the dessert himself.
I just had to put him on the list when he returned recently from his 78th leave of absence from Chiefs Planet. Not only is he one of the most successful posters, but he's also probably one of like, three people on here who have already won the game of life. And his big forum personality matches that quality about him, more than you can say for the guy who invented Dropbox, who rarely ever posts here, and BigRedChief, who probably loves relaxing at home to quality programming on CBS after a long day of kicking people in the balls at the United Nations.
Just be sure to get your snuggle time in while you can. Frosty the Snow Dane will eventually melt down again, but don't worry kids. He'll be back again some day.
11. Pestilence
Spoiler!
BREAKING: CALIFORNIA MAN ARRESTED FOR SENDING LEWD PICTURES OF HIS MEMBER TO INTERNET FORUM MEMBERS
A Northern California resident's acts of sexual harassment have come to an end after getting arrested Friday afternoon.
The man, who goes by the moniker "Pestilence" on the unofficial Kansas City Chiefs internet fan forum chiefsplanet.com was arrested at his workplace on Friday afternoon, caught in the act of sending another indecent picture of himself to one of the other participants on the forum.
Pestilence's attorney, also a Chiefs Planet member known as "Baby Lee," claimed to police that he doesn't see the problem, and that his client was only contributing to a continuously running gag on the forum since 2012.
"Look, I don't quite understand it, but they've got this character named Fisty McTatt, which is an altered image using photo-editing software that depicts my client's hand contorted into a bizarre-looking fist," said Lee to media sources just hours after the arrest. "This guy Sofa King put some eyes and a mustache on my client's fist, then fixed that face on top of the body of another Chiefs Planet member that features a poorly drawn chest tattoo of a KC Chiefs logo surrounded by phallic objects. That's the joke."
"My client thought it would be funny to create a new character as the kind of straight man to Fisty McTatt's Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Brilliant ****ing show, by the way. Anyway, the new character was Dicky McElephant, you see. And well... it was all supposed to be in good fun."
The edited picture in question (crop-censored above) shows Pestilence's pubic area. The hair is shaved, and in its place is a drawn picture of an elephant, with the defendant's genitalia serving as the elephant's trunk.
Lee claims that he and his client were misled by Chiefs Planet's management team: "I was busy watching my 4th hour of Seinfeld re-runs when 'Pesty' showed this to me. I thought it was really funny, but was unaware of Chiefs Planet's code of conduct. I private messaged Bob Dole, a moderator, asking his opinion, and when I received no response, I figured the image would be safe to distribute to all of the members."
The Dicky McElephant image has been altered by numerous other individuals. These images feature the character in a variety of familiar situations and photographs, including one particularly grotesque and vile alteration of Dorothea Lang's world-famous "Migrant Mother" photograph. In the new image, the elephant character stares down the mother, and a word bubble appears above the character that says, "I'm going in dry!"
Police were made aware of the sexual harassment issue associated with Dicky McElephant from one Kirstie Tynes, a self-proclaimed intellectual property ownership rights advocate. Reportedly, Pestilence had sent her the image on 34 separate occasions, with most of the images showing Tynes' modeling poses interacting sexually with Dicky.
When asked for comment, Tynes only had one word: "Sickening."
A continued investigation of the defendant's testimony will be conducted. Any accomplices, including the aforementioned Sofa King, will be sent in for questioning.
10. htismaqe
Spoiler!
Parker (because I'll be ****ed if I'm going to type out that combination of letters that looks like kcnut threw up on his keyboard every time I want to mention this turd by name) doesn't deserve to be up here at all, but for some bizarre reason I really like him, so he gets a top 10 spot. Because of seniority, or whatever.
He's just so ****ing busy! Great, Parker. You're busy, we get it. It's not like everybody else has all the ****ing time in the world. I've got a job, too. Shit, it's the last weeks of class and I have papers and finals to grade. I have research obligations. I could be doing that right now, but because I'm an adult I know how to balance home, work, and Planet life like a responsible individual. I don't just go own extended leaves of absence because "really busy at my job!"
His incredible service to the forum deserves applause in some respects. Former mod. Former CP mock draft participant. Veteran of some of Chiefs Planet's (and the Star forum's) most heated and contentious battles. We say "former" in all of these cases, though. Because why? Because he was busy!
At least he took an honest shot as Roastmaster. Think of all those roasts he had to go through. 101. Can you imagine?
He clearly couldn't. Know why? Because he quit like he always ****ing does. Sheesh, dude. PGM had more motivation to do his ****ing job than you did. I know the roasts aren't very juicy at the top (I know because I've ****ing been there) but that's what separates the divisional playoff loss Marty teams from the 7-9 sad stinky disappointments. And let me tell you, brother- Carlton Gray and Chester McGlockton are NOT going to put you over the top in this one.
Parker, I wanted you to come back. The door was always open. We could have been a team. We would have been unstoppable. But you are still really busy, or some shit. Fine. Whatever. I'm good with being the King of Roasts. Maybe when you're not busy and go on splurges of 500 posts per day for 2-month stretches you can have a nice long talk with Hootie about who has more willpower to finish complicated tasks. And at least Hootie has an excuse-- he got banned.
In the meantime, I AM busy, but I still got you your roast that you deserved. Oh, and when you see your boy Carl over the holidays and give him a big wet kiss, tell him to go **** himself from me.
9. Rausch
Spoiler!
Rausch and I are blood brothers. We both were smarter than everyone else when it came to Todd Collins, and we fought valiantly side-by-side for many years for him to get the respect he deserved. It was a tragedy that Todd couldn't stay longer in Kansas City, but we will always remember the wonderful times when he was here.
I was just a n00b at the time. This was long before I became a drafturbator or a QB-at-all-costs table pounder, and I was a lot happier and more naive. Donk scum was donk scum. Taco John and everybody like him was a hated enemy. And the Chiefs had just passed on drafting Joey Harrington. I said, "Well, at this point the Chiefs may as well hold an open competition between Todd Collins and Trent Green," given Green's initial struggles in his first year with the team.
Rausch backed me. He was also of a similar mindset. Michigan guy. He was cool and calm in the pocket. And as we later found out, he had a fantastic taste in liquor. That was our QB right there. Rausch and I spent a lot of time talking about Todd Collins for my first couple of years on the Planet.
"I like his appearance. It's strong and powerful- a perfect image for the future," Rausch would always say.
"Yeah, I agree, Brad, he looks like he takes great care of himself in the weight room," I would reply.
After that point we were inseparable. While you morons were spending all preseason pining for Jonathan Quinn and Joe Germaine, Rausch and I already knew who our backup hero was. And we were damn proud of it.
Another thing we're both damn proud of is our German heritage. I'm 75% German and 25% Danish, so I'm familiar with a lot of the midwestern stubborn German culture that prevails in this part of the country. Rausch is the exact same way. We spend a lot of time sharing our appreciation of German culture. When Rausch found out I was a musician, all he could talk about was Wagner, especially the end of the 3rd act of Meistersinger, when the townschorus unites and declares 1000 years of prosperity for our great German art.
He taught me this great drinking song that he sings with his buddies at his local beer hall. I only have a reading knowledge of German, but it wasn't too hard to learn. The tune was pretty catchy, anyway. He told me it's called the Horst Wes-... wait, I just thought of this hilarious Rausch story!
Okay, so it was a thread about the new Albert Einstein biography by Walter Isaacson that was a bestseller back in 2008. I asked Rausch if he was going to read it, and he said, "No way. Einstein belonged in a concentration camp." I thought that was kind of bogus to say considering that Einstein was a really smart person, but then I thought again and Rausch is probably right. Einstein was probably too smart for his own good and would be thinking about relativity and shit when all he really wanted was to find his reading glasses that were placed on top of his head the entire time. All the really smart people I know have that problem with concentration. That was a pretty unique and funny observation by Rausch that I won't forget.
Lately we've got this offensive line bet going that's kind of silly. I mean, it's a quibble over whether or not the Chiefs can allow fewer than the 4th most sacks of all NFL teams. Like... even if they do get under that number, who cares? They're still awful at protection, and Alex Smith is a bozo who takes way too many sacks. I was talking to Rausch earlier this offseason about Geoff Schwartz and how we could have really used him. I got a little confused, because Rausch was like, "Eh, screw him. We don't need him and his mongrel blood flaunting his decadence of culture in our locker room."
LOL, right? Just Rausch being Rausch man. The man's really picky about the talent on his offensive line. But he's a really good dude. Totally good dude. One of my best buds on this forum.
8. Bowser
Spoiler!
Bowser is a man.
Package handler by day. Package handler by night.
He's all about putting the bros over the hoes. Even his own wife and mother.
And if you can successfully remove his mouth from Bugeater's nutsack, he'll be the most loyal and friendly Chiefs forum friend you can possibly imagine. When his wife's not looking, that is.
Just like Rausch, I hear he's a fun drinking buddy, but he's a little hard to get ahold of. You might have to make an appointment with his house secretary to see if he's available to go out and play with you.
7. Simply Red
Spoiler!
Simply Red is a catty bitch. Only he could get away with giving people advice about fashion and appearance while typing all of his posts exclusively in Comic Sans.
Simply Red is "the weird phase I was going through" that all women talk about when they discuss their ex-husbands amongst each other.
Simply Red will smother you with love, but then show passive-aggressive tendencies when he's mad at you by hogging all the covers at night.
According to cdcox's prediction software, 76% of Chiefs Planet posters thought Simply Red was gay when he first started posting. NTTIAWWT.
Simply Red has seen Clay's penis.
To be fair, I don't think he had a choice in the matter.
Speaking of Clay, Simply Red is also the first poster to successfully make first contact with salame. Nobody had any ****ing clue what they were saying, but scholars believe it had something to do with drugs.
I already said Simply Red is a catty bitch, but I want to place the emphasis on catty. As in, he's rather cat-like. He'll totally pee on your shit if you don't pay enough attention to him.
Simply Red has two loves in this world: Melissa Joan Hart and Peter and the Wolf. Lucky for him, this shit exists:
Unlucky for Simply Red, that recording is evidence that Melissa Joan Hart is pretty terrible at narration.
Simply Red is the ****ing listmaker. Can we just all agree on that?
I probably would have been more disparaging in this toast, but I just seemed to be too nice today.
6. milkman
Spoiler!
Milkman Test of Intelligence
SECTION A- Team direction analysis proficiency
Directions: Select one of the choices for each given scenario
1. Your favorite football team is known for the past 10-15 years for its up-and-down rate of success from year to year and an unfortunate lack of postseason success. They have just fired their head coach. An old, well-respected head coach who has won a Super Bowl in the past two years is considering coming out of retirement to coach for your team. What is your reaction?
A) Excitement about the possibilities and expectations that the streak of mediocrity will end
B) A tempered reaction, but somewhat positive given the other coaching candidates available
C) Dismay, because this coach will not be good enough, or has demonstrated in the past that he is not good enough
D) Dismay, because your ideal candidate, the offensive coordinator from Tokyo Yukata, a team in the semi-professional Japanese Football League, was not hired
E) Anger, because **** you
F) Choices C and D
G) Choices C and E
H) Choices C, D, and E
2. You are the owner of a football team, and it's time to hire a new GM. You have conducted interviews with three candidates. No others interest you, or they are unavailable. Whom do you hire?
A) The guy from outside the system with about as outstanding of a resume that any one guy can have if he has never held the GM position before
B) The guy currently on the team with experience as a former GM, in which he orchestrated a draft trade-up costing his team an entire year's worth of draft picks, all so he could select a RB.
C) The guy you just fired, because you've never known anything different
D) You pull an Al Davis and make yourself the new GM
E) You give GM duties to the current head coach, whose intelligence and sanity is a bit questionable
F) B or **** you
G) D or F
H) None of the above
SECTION B- Player Evaluation Aptitude
Directions: Select multiple choices as asked
3. Given the following available players, select 5 to form the best possible starting offensive line.
a. Larry Bitchardson- A 2nd-year 6th round T/G tweener without much experience in college, but he has great hip movement and seems nice
b. Jade Stith- A veteran C/G tweener with starting experience. Undrafted out of college
c. Sydney Fartapples- A 6th year swing LT/RT with some starting experience. Cheap because nobody else seems to want him
d. Danny Duodenum- Available via trade of a 5th round pick, has little starting experience, but is multi-faceted. Can play any line position, since nobody can seem to figure out what he's good at
e. Albert Denbren- Last year's 1st round pick at LT. Played guard in college, but has the size and maneuverability that you, personally, look for in a LT
f. Seamus McHaggis- Waiver wire pickup option. Veteran RT with some, but not much starting experience. You recall hearing his name called at some point when you watched Sunday Night Football three years ago
g. Dikembe Mu'aclikicliki- Swing guard, acquired last year in a player-for-player trade. Is worthless
h. Lane Dickcloud- Undrafted rookie free agent. Hit somebody really hard in training camp. Played for the NAIA Jizzonme State University, so is quite experienced, but raw in all the right ways. Reaper16 of Chiefs Planet likes him.
i. Lester Spears- Your starting RG for the past 17 years. Has never won shit. Doesn't seem to mind or complain much about it. Can tell you about the time he got to longsnap for Jan Stanerud.
j. Michael Flopmod- A 400 lb man who tried out for the team two weeks ago. Has a great locker room personality.
k. A random undrafted free agent. You'll take your chances (may choose more than once)
l. You'll pay out the ass for an expensive aging player from another team (may chose more than once)
4. Select the three most important qualities from the choices provided in your ideal starting QB
a. 6'2" or taller
b. Can run multiple systems
c. Is bald
d. Throws for around 3500 yards per season
e. Is considered to be in the top 3 greatest QBs of all time in spite of having only won one Super Bowl
f. Has a Jay Cutler arm
g. Has never and will never play a single game without an elite defense because the sun just shines out of his ass
SECTION C
Directions: Answer the question below
5. Are you Milkman? (Y or N)
============================================= SCORING
Total your score from Section A with the following point values:
1. A) -5 B) 0 C) +2 D) +10 E) +5 F) +12 G) -3 H) -25
2. A) 0 B) +3000 C) -3000 D) +2 E) -2999 F) +10 G) +3 H) 0
Total your score from Section B
3. If you chose b), e), h), i), or k) score +5 points for each player selected
If you chose a), score +5000 points
If you chose c) or d), score 0 points
If you chose f) or g), subtract 3 points for each selection
If you chose j), you are deserving of a name change on your online football forum of choice
If you chose l) one or more times, then kill yourself
4. If you chose a), b), c), d), f), or g), score +5 points for each selection
If you chose e), subtract 500 points
Section A and B subtotal: _______
If you answered "Yes" in Section C, multiply your subtotal by 0
If you answered "No" in Section C, subtract 10,000 from your subtotal
========================================== RESULTS
-1 or fewer points = You are a dumbass
0 or more points = You are an asshole
5. Mr. Flopnuts
Spoiler!
"The People's Mod is the People's Noose"
By BlackBob
I am a concerned citizen of Chiefs Planet, and wish to speak to you today about a problem not many of you realize is tearing apart the fabric of your precious forum. I'm speaking about Mr. Flopnuts, also known to many of you as "the People's Mod."
Understand that I have not been here long, but because I'm just as bad as Mav in terms of acting like I was around for all these important events before I ever joined CP, I have done my research. I have concluded that Mr. Flopnuts, while loyal to his friends, is using his Supermoderator powers as a member of the Drafturbators to institute a totalitarian groupthink society, with him in charge.
Mr. Flopnuts is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He lies about his actions and modding record, and convinces everybody that the lies he spreads are the truth. He makes you happy that he is poaching off your species little by little because he's doing population and conservation control measures. Here's how things got to be this way.
November 14, 2010: Mr. Flopnuts tells a Raiders troll who wants to gloat after a Chiefs loss, "I hope your children are sodomized by a 400 lb man." Flopnuts receives an infraction and a temp ban. He reaches out to Penn Jillette on Facebook asking if he knows the reason why. It's revealed in a thread that morphius, doing his job under heavy pressure, made a quick-thinking judgment call, since Flopnuts' hoodie and bag of skittles seemed threatening. This creates a lens for the public to view and criticize. Flopnuts is released, acts cordial and nice about it, but morphius continues to get lambasted as a victim of his sociopathic lust for power.
Approximately five months later, a public election is held for new additions to the modding staff. Mr. Flopnuts wins overwhelming support after an organized campaign of baby-kissing and sucking up to other members at Chiefs events. Democratically elected, he immediately announces a conservative moderating administration, preferring to let the invisible hand of the market rape whatever trolls are behaving out of line: "Happy to be here. Happy to serve. I'm pretty much just here to clear out graphic porn pics, spam, and the like. Trolls? Well, I'd rather **** with them than ban them, so we'll take that one step at a time." http://chiefsplanet.com/BB/showpost....1&postcount=51
Believing he can further win favoritism through bread and circuses, he takes a radical pro-tags position, advocating for their traditional return on draft day and beyond. Instantly he is as beloved as DaFace as a mod.
Behind the scenes, Mr. Flopnuts reverts into his real personality. Some sources have told me that Mr. Flopnuts is the kind of person that gets excited about a Drafturbator Fantasy Football Auction League, gets wasted, and then at the beginning of the auction drives up the price of Adrian Peterson just to be a huge asshole. He spends half his money on one player, realizes he's screwed, and then lets the machine autobid for the rest of his players.
He does a good job keeping the streets clean, but then proposes a massive cleanup of the DC Forum by cracking down on the racist comments. I'm not a racist, but I would extend the same rights of somebody to be critical of a group of people as long as they protected by right to think reeruned things about the best players on the Chiefs who are the only ones who legitimately try to win every week. That is a huge concern. Mr. Flopnuts oversteps his bounds constantly. He's a tyrant. He disguises his beatings that he delivers to his children as fun and games.
And how does he justify this? By going back to his protective inner circle cock ring of friends to justify his vote, always maintaining a courteous and respectful tone that makes everybody's vagina tingle with delight. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showt...282036&page=22
Because of people like him, a witch hunt forum culture has developed that seeks to persecute free-thinking individuals. I was a victim of the MOB attacks in 2013. Consider for a moment that "MOB" is only one letter away from "Mod." Go back and watch the tape of this thread if you don't believe me.
I'm not beyond using self-deprecating humor and intellectual humility to sway people to my opinions. It just never works for me because I'm really ****ing annoying. That's fine. But when you're a snake in the grass, you can whisper whatever venom you wish into the true people's ear and have them believe that their freedom and sovereignty are not being threatened by the rise of an oligarchical tyranny under Der Flöprer.
Stand with me alongside the other n00bs who find this place sickening and leave forever after 48 hours! Together we can create a Chiefs Planet where utter dumb****s and lunatics aren't insulted for spewing vile garbage everywhere!
4. SNR
Spoiler!
SNR is everything wrong with internet culture. Don't believe me, just look at this board. Here on this manly football board where alpha dog mentality reigns supreme perhaps more than on any other board besides the musclehead alphapillowbiters board, our top 5 consists of a 400lb fat ass, a guy who uses dog shit as retaliation against females, and 3 Star Trek geeks. Wow. And if Rainman isn't a Star Trek geek, well who gives a shit? He owns a company that does surveys for a living, and his manliness piques at removing advertising from his neighborhood light poles, and is the master of polls here on Chiefsplanet. That's a lot poles/polls for an alpha dog.
Back to SNR. He's a pianist. Say that fast enough, and yeah, you know. This is a guy that in all of his alpha dog mentality decided to pursue a doctorate in music. And what did he do with it? He became a music teacher. You know, those who can, do, and those who can't? Teach. I'd be pissed too. Don't get me wrong. He's made a couple of albums on classical music that he's so proud of, he promised to send me a CD for months and never delivered. Much like his album I'd guess. Makes me think it must be like Amazon authors. Write a book, sell no copies on Amazon, but hey! You're still an author! That means SNR is a musician damnit!
The guy has been here for 12 years. That's a dozen for you laymen. SNR's words, not mine. He's kind of a supremist douche. As a drafturbator, you know the type. He self annointed himself as a candidate for the GM job when Carl was let go, http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=199759
You're the only person in the room that doesn't know he's better, and smarter than you. The dude is such an elitist douche that he thought you needed to know that John Goodman wasn't really dead. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=230781
Between his narrcisstic better than you mentality, and his clear schematic advantage at composing music, everyone knows what a huge Star Trek nerd he is. Totally manly, right? Let's play a game. Let's play the who started this thread game. "What's your favorite Star Trek episode". Clay, right? Jesus ****, it HAD to be Clay right? http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=242807
Alpha dog to the core. Can anyone else see SNR sleeping with a Wesley Crusher doll until he was 16, and still having it in his closet today? Because I totally can.
Finally, and most shockingly, who brought rape culture to Chiefsplanet? SNR did. Do you really think it was because he thought rape was funny? I don't. I think it's far more sinister than that. Back in 2011 SNR talked about his impending move to Madison, WI. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=232949
Being the alpha dog that he is, he discussed being unhappy in his current job, and his wife having landed a job there and being totally happy with him playing daddy for a kid not yet born. Now, I know what you're thinking. SNR is married?!?!? I thought it too. He NEVER talks about his wife. But there's further proof this isn't made up. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=246421
She was mentioned here as well. That was it though. Never again. My conclusion is that she left him for a man. Not another man, just a man. She realized she ****ed up right? And what happened from there? Well, that's where this all starts turning upside down. SNR soon created this thread about his colleague hooking up with a student. http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=261004
And then, it became full on rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape. Seek help SNR. You can control your urges. I know it's frustrating having your wife leave you for a man, and I can only imagine the personal hell of having your mother being more manly than you. You're not alone buddy. Actually, yeah. Yeah, you are. Seek help anyway. Everyone has always asked what SNR stands for. Clearly it stands for Secretly Nearing Raper status. We all should've saw the signs. We've all let SNR down.
3. 'Hamas' Jenkins
Spoiler!
I apologize in advance. This is going to be another non-roast, but since my Talking Can one went over fairly well, I'm going to do it for Hamas as well. If you don't like it, I invite you to voluntarily ban yourself for a year.
Do you know what makes me smile the most about this place? When you get a new member who's been a Chiefs fan for years, and he gets really super excited that he found such an active and fun forum for Chiefs talk. He eagerly starts gabbing away various platitudes about supporting Alex (or Cassel if you're going back several years) and how the Sea of Red is the best fan experience in the NFL. The guy seems nice, and he thinks everybody on here is just as supportive, because we're all Chiefs fans. But he's not met with supportive or polite discourse. He gets inane comments about his mother and family, suggestions of ways he could kill himself, and nothing but shame and vitriol for his small-minded thinking. The new member says something like, "This forum is a hell hole. What the hell is wrong with you guys?" and is never heard from again.
That is perhaps my favorite part of Chiefs Planet. That notorious reputation among the other Chiefs fan sites is what makes this place so great. It's the toughest saloon this side of Mitch Holthus' disgusting mole on his face.
We have people like Hamas to thank for that. Sure, we've had trolls and dumbasses like Mecca doing that shit for years, but Hamas is much different. I think more than any other member, he has demanded a higher level of posting excellence from this community. And he didn't just do it by storming in and shoving his opinion down everybody's throats as soon as he got here. He didn't act smarter than he really is; he posts intelligent things because he IS that smart. He led by example in showing us what the discourse on this forum was capable of being.
On the internet (and in life for that matter) everybody tends to not listen to new ideas. It could make total sense to them, but if it's not explained in such a way that will soothe a person's ego and convince them that this new idea was something individually researched or realized through intuition, that person probably isn't going to change his or her mind. Very rarely does a person come around that can pull off change in a person's mindset. Especially on the internet, where the absence of pathos can really limit the tools of rhetoric.
Hamas was unique. He would treat you with respect, but he simply wouldn't tolerate stupidity. And it was everywhere. People liked Tyler ****ing Thigpen, for crying out loud. Telling people to go kill themselves was an unconventional way of winning people over to your view of the situation, but when you're as organized and precise of a thinker as Hamas is, the combination of reasoned discourse and offensive insult was quite a lethal 1-2 punch.
There are a handful of brilliant Hamasisms that I've picked up over the years and reframed to fit real conversations. I've been using a lot of metaphor and satire in these roasts, and I've definitely gotten better at it, but I've only been digging them out because I've seen the elegance and grace that can result from their proper and effective use. For instance, when he wrote something like, "Hester Pioli should be forced to wear Cassel's $60 million contract as a scarlet ****ing letter," that opened a new world for me. My Phobia roast would not be here if Hamas had not dared to mix literature with football operations.
The Gang of 14 treatise should be required reading in all Kansas City public schools. Just imagine. The Chiefs Kingdom would be far more representational of CP's attitudes. Mitch Holthus would stop talking about Alex Smith's toughness when he struggles in a game and instead would make a plea for somebody to pour antifreeze into Smith's Gatorade bottle. The next time the Chiefs have the #1 overall pick and draft a MAC conference OT, the NFL Network wouldn't see a room full of cheering drunk assholes. They would see a bunch of signs telling them to go hang themselves from an AIDS tree.
That's why Hamas is #3.
2. Rain Man
Spoiler!
I’ll wait for everybody to finish having their periods over the fact that Rain Man is not #1. Take your time. Do what you gotta do.
…
We good?
Okay. We’re not here to quibble about rankings. We’re here to celebrate the illustrious career of Rain Man and another fantastic year of posts full of wit, humor, polls, and fun with randomizers. #2 is a phenomenal ranking that any mother with a son whose children are a bunch of cats should be proud of.
So as a tribute, I’m going to do for Rain Man what he’s done for us all these years. I’ve programmed a few scenarios where my computer will randomly generate some matches for the names I input. Due to time, I’m only selecting 4 participants from a specific list of snubs in every scenario, but Rain Man will be present in all of them. I assure you all that the simulations are totally randomized through my computer. If you don’t like what you got, there’s not much I can do for you.
I thought I’d start off with one of Rain Man’s favorite topics: geography.
Which non-US city should you move to?
1. stevieray- Hope you like tea and flowers. You’ll get a lot of that stuff in Souzhou, China
2. KcMizzou- At least you won’t have to learn a new language. Well, sort of. Enjoy your new life in Perth, Australia
3. TribalElder- You’re not a Nazi, are you? If so, you’ll have plenty of friends in Buenos Aires, Argentina.
4. Rain Man- It just takes awhile to get used to. Have fun in Mogadishu, Somalia
Okay, so for the next one, I can’t be as story-driven or organized as Rain Man had envisioned these turning out, but there’s no reason why I can’t make it dull and unexciting. In this scenario, I’m reviving the B-29 bomber simulator.
How does your bombing mission go?
1. Dartgod- You’re the co-pilot. Your aircraft encounters turbulence and heavy fire, but your succeed in your run. Congratulations. Go have an ale.
2. loochy- You’re the bombardier. Your mission could not have gone any better. Your bombs hit exactly on the targets, and your plane didn’t get so much as a scratch. Well done!
3. Amnorix- You just sort of came along for the ride. Nobody really knows why you’re here, but you manage to not only survive the bombing run, but also not get in the way of everybody else. Good work!
4. Rain Man- You’re the pilot. You're doing a good job keeping your bomber out of trouble when the German planes start attacking, but you quickly realize that you’re flying too high, and none of your targets are hitting. You attempt a daring dive through a dense cloud of projectile shrapnel and sustain heavy damage to the engines. Your co-pilot Black Bob gets a large phallic-shaped piece of glass speared through his mouth and down his throat. He coughs blood everywhere and finally chokes to death. Your crew in the bomber is doing the best they can, but you can sense that they are also taking time and energy to actively hate you for being such a moron. As you sit there feeling sorry for yourself, you’re not watching what you’re doing and a German fighter slams into the side of the plane. Your crew is now dead, and you only have moments to grab your parachute under the seat and jump out of the spiraling wreckage. You miraculously land safely in an enemy camp. The commanding officer stationed there is an enormous psychotic pervert, and he rapes you to death over the next 5 days. Better luck next time.
If Chiefs Planet members were trees, what kind of tree would they be?
1. Gonzo- North American Larch
2. listopencil- Russian Olive Tree
3. Sully- Black Hills Spruce
4. Rain Man- Deciduous AIDS Tree with Dutch Elm Disease rooted in the middle of Ferguson, MO
If Chiefs Planet members were Star Trek characters, who would they be?
1. KC Native- T’Pol from Star Trek: Enterprise
2. Pablo- Talleyrand from Star Trek: Original Series
3. Saulbadguy- Kurn from Star Trek: The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine
4. Rain Man- Well, Rick Berman got drunk one night and tried to write a Voyager script where they encounter a dimensional rift and out pops Jar Jar Binks from the shitty Star Wars movies. You’re Jar Jar Binks. You die horribly (but with plenty of slapstick!) at the end of the episode when you run a WWII B-29 bomber simulation and Seven of Nine turns the safety protocols off.
What should be your next meal?
1. Sofa King- Chicken Kiev
2. morphius- BLT on toasted rye bread
3. Bwana- Teriyaki-marinated skirt steak salad
4. Rain Man- A bowl of antifreeze with a goddamn turd in it you ****ing asshole. You arrogant piece of shit for ****’s sake how many of these goddamn random scenarios have you run through on the planet over the years? Dozens at least, I’m sure. I’ve participated in most of them for sure. Let’s say you’ve done 20 of them. I know most recently you assigned us U.S. counties to live in and you gave me the poorest ****ing piece of shit in Alabama. Also, YOU ****ING SET ME ON ****ING FIRE DURING THE B-29 SIMULATIONS! I don’t want to ****ing hear about the software you use or how it was generated, okay? You can’t ****ing tell me that a goddamn computer came up with me dying in a mother****ing fire just randomly, and then through luck of the goddamned draw I’m a 60 year-old prostitute with leprosy living in a hut made out of used dildos in the bad part of town in Scumsuck, Alabama! And I know I can’t be the only person you’ve ****ed over like this through these fun little years whenever you’re feeling playful. I’m going to ask my computer right now if I ever meet you in person what I should do upon the initial greeting—say hello or punch you in the goddamn throat. Tell you what, I’ll let it be a surprise when that time comes, asshole. I hope the janitor takes a dump on your ****ing desk in your corner office some time in the next week.
DeezNutz is a Chiefs, Royals, and Mizzou fan. That's a ****ton of misery and pain to deal with. Compared to other CP posters who like the same teams, he's actually fairly well-adjusted. He's not a psychotic ****tard like petegz28 or frazod, and he seems to be able to find appropriate outlets to vent his frustration of going so long without knowing what it's like to be a fan of any team who sustains success. His short, sarcastic posts, while making him appear bitter and self-loathing, do a good job of allowing him to be able to look at the truth squarely in the face without becoming too depressed. However, it's unknown if this is a good way of attaining satisfaction through the worst of times or if it's actually unhealthily building up layers of repression that will cause him to snap like a twig later in life. Time will only tell.
He's also the most obscure and possibly least respected of the old Horsemen of the Apo-Cassel-ypse. It's quite possible that he only joined because they other three needed a fourth person to hand out pamphlets about the dangers of drafting Aaron Curry, like when the original three Ghostbusters added the black guy to the team almost randomly in the middle of the movie. In a stunning twist, the black guy doesn't die, and DeezNutz is still finding creative ways to sarcastically bitch about Mizzou's basketball coach and Ned Yost. If I had to compare him to other posters, I'd say he's Rain Man's evil brother from south of the border.
I have great respect for all of my drafturbator friends, but because Deez is biggest sarcastic bitch of the bunch, I'm reminded that it's people like him whose selfishness has brought down the quality of the CP Mock Draft. His coattail-riding ass is part of the reason why Sfeihc acts like he owns the goddamn place and why chiefscafan is now a fully-fledged member. It's bad enough that we had to suck Saccopoo's dick to get him to join, only to have him continually tell us to politely **** off. So thanks for screwing your friends over, Deez. Because the Colts playoff loss drove people into mad fits of insanity for months, you want us to hang out with Mav for several weeks in March/April. Hope your time off was ****ing worth it.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reaper16
I would read an entire blog of SNR breaking down athletes' musical capabilities like draft scouting reports.
DeezNutz is a Chiefs, Royals, and Mizzou fan. That's a ****ton of misery and pain to deal with. Compared to other CP posters who like the same teams, he's actually fairly well-adjusted. He's not a psychotic ****tard like petegz28 or frazod, and he seems to be able to find appropriate outlets to vent his frustration of going so long without knowing what it's like to be a fan of any team who sustains success. His short, sarcastic posts, while making him appear bitter and self-loathing, do a good job of allowing him to be able to look at the truth squarely in the face without becoming too depressed. However, it's unknown if this is a good way of attaining satisfaction through the worst of times or if it's actually unhealthily building up layers of repression that will cause him to snap like a twig later in life. Time will only tell.
He's also the most obscure and possibly least respected of the old Horsemen of the Apo-Cassel-ypse. It's quite possible that he only joined because they other three needed a fourth person to hand out pamphlets about the dangers of drafting Aaron Curry, like when the original three Ghostbusters added the black guy to the team almost randomly in the middle of the movie. In a stunning twist, the black guy doesn't die, and DeezNutz is still finding creative ways to sarcastically bitch about Mizzou's basketball coach and Ned Yost. If I had to compare him to other posters, I'd say he's Rain Man's evil brother from south of the border.
I have great respect for all of my drafturbator friends, but because Deez is biggest sarcastic bitch of the bunch, I'm reminded that it's people like him whose selfishness has brought down the quality of the CP Mock Draft. His coattail-riding ass is part of the reason why Sfeihc acts like he owns the goddamn place and why chiefscafan is now a fully-fledged member. It's bad enough that we had to suck Saccopoo's dick to get him to join, only to have him continually tell us to politely **** off. So thanks for screwing your friends over, Deez. Because the Colts playoff loss drove people into mad fits of insanity for months, you want us to hang out with Mav for several weeks in March/April. Hope your time off was ****ing worth it.
Bahaha!
__________________
Resident Browns fan
I’m not here to argue about Alex Smith. Fastest Ignore user on CP
__________________
1. Merciless, severe. 2. Given freely and generously.
100% refusal to overrate 20 year Head Coaches with ZERO ****ing rings as a Head Coach. CP's Official Professor of 'Dem Blues for 2019/2020!
like when the original three Ghostbusters added the black guy to the team almost randomly in the middle of the movie. In a stunning twist, the black guy doesn't die
Poor Ernie actually had a huge role in the original script. But it was written for Eddie Murphy who passed. So they cut the whole plot line
When I originally got the script, the character of Winston was amazing and I thought it would be career-changing. The character came in right at the very beginning of the movie and had an elaborate background: he was an Air Force major something, a demolitions guy. It was great. . . .
The night before filming begins, however, I get this new script and it was shocking. The character was gone. Instead of coming in at the very beginning of the movie, like page 8, the character came in on page 68 after the Ghostbusters were established. His elaborate background was all gone, replaced by me walking in and saying, “If there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.” So that was pretty devastating.
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We need the kind of courage that can withstand the subtle corruption of the cynics - E.W.
Here are the last few roasts. Is there a mod who can plug these into the OP?
19. cdcox
Spoiler!
Look, I get the value in what statistics does in terms of decision-making and correlation research. Breaking down reality into manageable data chunks (especially if they're quantitative data) is a neat trick.
But ****, cdcox. You ever hear the expression, "Keep work at work?" Because you take this shit pretty far, man. When you're ****ing your wife, do you record your actions in a log for later analysis? Do you put together charts and tables and graphs to find out which position will yield the highest probability of getting her to orgasm properly? When she complains about how you're getting fat from too much beer, do you grunt, "Correlation doesn't imply causation, honey!"
See, I don't even know if you're a health nut or a fatass. But if we were to trade places, I'd find myself running probability scenarios to figure out if you are, even though it can only ever give me a probability figure.
I had an advisor in grad school who was just as invested as you are in research. The running joke among the grad students was that the last words out of his mouth would be a library call number. I'm worried about the same for you, cdcox.
So let me give you a few figures to keep in mind, and maybe they'll put you on the right track.
-I've calculated a 78% probability that when you run weekly playoff scenarios to come up with each team's chances of the playoffs, not once will these percentages ever consistently come up with the correct lineup of probable teams.
-Based on the activity level and age for a Chiefs Planet member of your demographic and post count, there's an 83% likelihood that you're balding and currently have or used to wear a goatee. Incidentally, for everybody else reading this roast, there's also a 91% chance that CP bald and goatee jokes will never not be funny.
-This means you should also probably see a proctologist immediately. Just... trust me. Numbers don't lie.
-Lastly, I did a computer projective analysis of the future of Sandbox Simulations. The results weren't good, so I asked it for your best chance of the program NOT being a buggy piece of shit that people get sick of after 2 months. The best it could do was 4%, accounting for the standard .05 margin of error.
18. Saccopoo
Spoiler!
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Hello there! My name is Saccopoo, and I'm here to talk to you about the Good News of football programs in the Utah System of Higher Education.
Wait, wait, don't shut the door! I haven't given you a free copy of the Book of Mockdraft!
Well, yes, the Book of Mockdraft is very similar to Drafturbatity. We follow the same players, we both watch the combine, and it is the ultimate mortal goal of both of us to find as many great professional players as possible. But there are significant differences among us. You see, the Book of Mockdraft teaches us about the higher realm of existence intended for all draftable football players from Utah colleges and universities. They are all perfect emanations of God at their respective positions. And if you follow their college careers closely and believe in their boundless pro potential, you will also be bestowed eternal football greatness, only in the form of wisdom.
No, that's not all. We can't just let strangers into our sacred tabernacle. Before you can get to that point, you must reform yourself and your habits so that you are pure of spirit. This next part can get kind of confusing, because you'll be tempted to compare it to Drafturbatity and Truefanism. It is its own separate thing. You can learn more by checking out this free pamplet provided by the Church of Football Programs in the Utah System of Higher Education:
Quote:
--We believe in worthless things like all-conference honors and subjective national accolades in player evaluations. These items on a player's resume are just as if not more important than regular season statistics and combine numbers
--Speaking of which, when looking at combine numbers, we believe in obsessing over them if they support the profile of a Utah player
--We may find the same things to be sacred that Drafturbators do, but we believe that ever since that Phobia guy left Chiefs Planet, the forum has suffered from its splintering into sects and subforums and cliques. We are a return to the original Chiefs Planet from the time when friendly football conversation was the only thing people ever talked about. That means in order to lead a pure life, you do not participate in NFTs or threads from any subforum besides Draft Planet.
--Fatties are the key to eternal football enlightenment, and their prophet is Russell Okung, the greatest LT to ever live. He became a martyr in our religion when the Chiefs passed on him for Eric Berry because Satan tricked them into drafting Branden Albert two years prior, one of his horrid unholy demons.
--You are also required to buy into a batshit crazy football opinion cause annually and make that a tenant of your football message that you spread into the world. Me, personally? I'm claiming that Dontari Poe ****ing sucks, and all my Chiefs draft projections have them taking a NT with their 1st round pick. You're only required to believe this mind****ery for one year, though, so when the Chiefs end up passing on Geno Smith, you're allowed to never speak his name again and pretend that you were never delightfully fisted up to the elbow with Geno Mania.
There are some other important things to discuss, but those can wait. For now, you should really read the Book of Mockdraft. In order to believe that the best football in the country is played in the state of Utah, you must KNOW about why the best draft picks every year come from Utah!
So if you're interested, please join us in the Draft Forum next week for our mock draft updates! Each mock selection includes a picture of the player! Some of the pictures are even the super homoerotic ones where the player is stripped down to his Underarmor while he does an ultra hard-core super tough flaming gay pouty face! Also, we have free cookies and juice!
Have a nice day!
17. AustinChief
Spoiler!
I don't know how or why AustinChief owns [every NFL team name] Planet. I don't know if he's just some schlub with a coding manual and a bit of cash or Mark Cuban. And I don't know how he's able to update servers and do all this computer shit, yet he thinks posting 5-10 pictures of Long John Silvers menu items per post is a massive drain on bandwidth. ****, I don't even know if I used the term "bandwidth" correctly, and I know that posting pictures like that doesn't really make a difference at all.
That doesn't matter. We're here to celebrate the most generous person who invests the most time and money to keep the CP experience going for all those little boys and girls who think antifreeze jokes are funny.
Thank you, AustinChief. With Thanksgiving fast approaching, it's time that we all took our hats off and said a word of thanks to you for all of this:
A server that is in constant need of repair and updating
A buggy chatroom feature from the early 1990s
A lineup of shitty power-mad mods
Protection from malicious threats to our internet safety like Thig Lyfe
The freedom to bypass the word filter, because I see no two ****s given by anybody every time somebody types around it
The freedom to be as racist as you want as long as you do it in the DC forum
Entertaining chats with BEP (no, really, it's hilarious when people get upset at her)
So thank you, AustinChief. After PGM, of course, you're the most important person involved with the continued survival and rich prosperity enjoyed by Chiefs Planet.
Now if you could just get off your ass and try to do something about Texans Planet, that would be lovely. For ****'s sake, it's like trying to keep a nice neat lawn next to a house of ****ing Hmongs.
16. JASONSAUTO
Spoiler!
DON'T ever take your car into this hack! Dumbass won't even ****ing Jew his customers.
He clearly doesn't know the first thing about business, and if he doesn't know the first thing about business, he can't know about his own business, and if he can't know about his own business, how the hell do you expect him to figure out why your check engine light is on?
He probably doesn't even touch the ****ing cars, because he's too busy being a douchebag silent mercenary type who operates by his own code of ethics and no one else's. Every other story this guy tells about his life involves punching dudes, threatening to punch dudes, and what happened to him when he didn't punch dudes. It's ****ing annoying is what it is. I should have put up a gif of Scrappy Doo. That would have been way more apt.
Come to Jason's Auto Repair! Where sweatshop labor conditions equal customer satisfaction!
15. The Bad Guy
Spoiler!
I'm not going to go for the obvious "insider" joke. The Bad Guy has been too good to this place. Besides, that joke has been attempted before, and I don't have an Orioles forum that I can run to for protection if things get too out of hand. So I guess we'll just live on with The Bad Guy having us all fooled.
That being said, there's no reason why we can't make educated guesses as to the identity of the source, is there? It shouldn't be too hard. We need a guy who has basically been with the team for as long as this forum has been around. And I really doubt that Concessions Stand Employee #24 is privy to that kind of team access. So we can probably eliminate a few hundred names there.
The source in recent years has been the most active in feeding information during regime changes (Carl -> Pioli; Pioli -> Reid/Dorsey). He also has apparent information about draft boards, since we were fed the "updates" on the Chiefs #1 overall pick. So again, I'm thinking this is a person around a lot of heavy decisions.
I have no clue from this list who most of these people are, and the ones I can recognize don't fit the longevity description of the source.
Except for two people.
Clark Hunt. Given that The Bad Guy is just some asshole, I fail to see how he has ever made any kind of meaningful connection to the Hunt family where he could rattle off an e-mail asking for inside information, and they would totally let him in on sensitive secrets.
And there's one other guy.
Bob Moore. Rufus Dawes.
That's our guy. That's the insider who let us know this stuff before everybody else did.
Don't believe me? Think my reasoning ****ing sucks? Well suck on this little nugget:
I've got a guy I've known for years who is close to The Bad Guy family and friends network who doesn't want to be identified, and he can confirm that Rufus Dawes is The Bad Guy's source.
14. the Talking Can
Spoiler!
I have mentioned before how awesome the Talking Can is. And because I'm the one finishing out the rankings, I've decided I earned the right to put my personal touch on this list. So that's why he's on this list, and that's why he's ranked this high. Honestly, I'd totally put him in the top 5. He's one of my favorites, and if you don't like him, you're a huge dumbass.
And prepare yourselves for one of those non-roasts you all hate. Yep. This is quite simply a tribute to one of my favorite posters. I could make jokes and try to imitate him by posting genocidal stuff against Patriots fans, but why do that when I can just let the man's work speak for itself?
the Talking Can embodies everything that's awesome about Chiefs Planet. The seething, unbridled rage that takes the form of some really bizarre stuff is a posting style I've tried to replicate and use on my own, but I can't do what he does. The difference might be his hilarious presentation, where he has this preference to just ignore capitalizing stuff, or the poorly photoshopped Cassel avatar that he wore for years. The combination of that with some of the greatest lines of vitriol I've ever seen spewed at one's own football team/fans is like a really complex souffle recipe that is one-of-a-kind.
So here's my tribute to the Talking Can. Five classic Talking Can moments. Honestly, you can probably find some better Can posts yourselves with just a little bit of searching, but #1 and #2 are for sure some of his best work. They are probably near the top of things I've ever laughed at in the history of Chiefs Planet.
5. Can's response to the Haley firing and the future of KC's QB position
3. Is Brandon Siler a better tackler than Derrick Johnson?
We all remember some of the great Black Bob discussions, particularly during that 2012 season. And Talking Can was right there with all of us. I'm posting the thread, but I have my favorite posts listed in the spoiler.
The 2012 draft was one of the more intriguing draft years I've experienced on CP. It was perhaps the most imperfect draft slot the Chiefs have ever had, where they were needing a QB so desperately in the best QB draft class in years, but possessed one of the worst draft slots for picking a QB (way too high to be thinking about the middle prospects that possessed a lot of potential) as well as having the Piolibola prevent them from even taking a shot at one. And there was TEH BEST GUARD EVAR! sitting right there. Talking Can expressed the sentiment we were all feeling at the time in the most perfect way:
You can read my roast of notorious to see that I've already brought this up. But you know what? It's the funniest thing I've ever read on CP. I'm reposting it as #1 because it's just that damn good.
Everything he wrote in the thread was great. Haley was gone, Pioli indicated no change of direction from Cassel, and I believe even stuck up for him? Was that the genesis of the "I don't think I need to tell anyone that Matt's our starter" quote? Regardless, though, the ****ing pitchforks were coming out. The OP of the thread itself was brilliant:
This generated an amusing response intended as a chuckle from one of the bystanders about using a time machine to wipe out those 15 generations. Then we got to the real gold nugget:
I laughed for days. This isn't just your standard, "I'm mailing anthrax" or "I hope he chokes on his own vomit" kind of anger. We're talking about shitty Star Trek movie villainry that aborts an entire species from existence.
"I'm going back to Africa and snuffing out Pioli at the source."
"At the source."
Posts like this one are why continuing to hate and rip on Pioli until the day I die will always bring me great joy in my heart. The man truly was an abortion, and ****ing poets like the Talking Can were the lost voices that many of us struggled to find during those trying times. Like Maya ****ing Angelou.
In the words of the great Sorter, I have this to say to you, Talking Can:
Post more.
13. DeezNutz
Spoiler!
DeezNutz is a Chiefs, Royals, and Mizzou fan. That's a ****ton of misery and pain to deal with. Compared to other CP posters who like the same teams, he's actually fairly well-adjusted. He's not a psychotic ****tard like petegz28 or frazod, and he seems to be able to find appropriate outlets to vent his frustration of going so long without knowing what it's like to be a fan of any team who sustains success. His short, sarcastic posts, while making him appear bitter and self-loathing, do a good job of allowing him to be able to look at the truth squarely in the face without becoming too depressed. However, it's unknown if this is a good way of attaining satisfaction through the worst of times or if it's actually unhealthily building up layers of repression that will cause him to snap like a twig later in life. Time will only tell.
He's also the most obscure and possibly least respected of the old Horsemen of the Apo-Cassel-ypse. It's quite possible that he only joined because they other three needed a fourth person to hand out pamphlets about the dangers of drafting Aaron Curry, like when the original three Ghostbusters added the black guy to the team almost randomly in the middle of the movie. In a stunning twist, the black guy doesn't die, and DeezNutz is still finding creative ways to sarcastically bitch about Mizzou's basketball coach and Ned Yost. If I had to compare him to other posters, I'd say he's Rain Man's evil brother from south of the border.
I have great respect for all of my drafturbator friends, but because Deez is biggest sarcastic bitch of the bunch, I'm reminded that it's people like him whose selfishness has brought down the quality of the CP Mock Draft. His coattail-riding ass is part of the reason why Sfeihc acts like he owns the goddamn place and why chiefscafan is now a fully-fledged member. It's bad enough that we had to suck Saccopoo's dick to get him to join, only to have him continually tell us to politely **** off. So thanks for screwing your friends over, Deez. Because the Colts playoff loss drove people into mad fits of insanity for months, you want us to hang out with Mav for several weeks in March/April. Hope your time off was ****ing worth it.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reaper16
I would read an entire blog of SNR breaking down athletes' musical capabilities like draft scouting reports.
DeezNutz is a Chiefs, Royals, and Mizzou fan. That's a ****ton of misery and pain to deal with. Compared to other CP posters who like the same teams, he's actually fairly well-adjusted. He's not a psychotic ****tard like petegz28 or frazod, and he seems to be able to find appropriate outlets to vent his frustration of going so long without knowing what it's like to be a fan of any team who sustains success. His short, sarcastic posts, while making him appear bitter and self-loathing, do a good job of allowing him to be able to look at the truth squarely in the face without becoming too depressed. However, it's unknown if this is a good way of attaining satisfaction through the worst of times or if it's actually unhealthily building up layers of repression that will cause him to snap like a twig later in life. Time will only tell.
He's also the most obscure and possibly least respected of the old Horsemen of the Apo-Cassel-ypse. It's quite possible that he only joined because they other three needed a fourth person to hand out pamphlets about the dangers of drafting Aaron Curry, like when the original three Ghostbusters added the black guy to the team almost randomly in the middle of the movie. In a stunning twist, the black guy doesn't die, and DeezNutz is still finding creative ways to sarcastically bitch about Mizzou's basketball coach and Ned Yost. If I had to compare him to other posters, I'd say he's Rain Man's evil brother from south of the border.
I have great respect for all of my drafturbator friends, but because Deez is biggest sarcastic bitch of the bunch, I'm reminded that it's people like him whose selfishness has brought down the quality of the CP Mock Draft. His coattail-riding ass is part of the reason why Sfeihc acts like he owns the goddamn place and why chiefscafan is now a fully-fledged member. It's bad enough that we had to suck Saccopoo's dick to get him to join, only to have him continually tell us to politely **** off. So thanks for screwing your friends over, Deez. Because the Colts playoff loss drove people into mad fits of insanity for months, you want us to hang out with Mav for several weeks in March/April. Hope your time off was ****ing worth it.
It totally brought out the best in most people on here. There's no emotion that can unite a people quite like anger can. For that brief time, we were all united against the Great Satan that was Pioli. We slew all of his supporters and demons so courageously, whether they were persons in the media, idiots from around the internet, or Black Bob. It didn't matter how big they were. They had to be taken down. And we did so. With honor.
We formed a brotherhood that season
Men, it's been a long war, it's been a tough war. You've fought bravely, proudly for Chiefsplanet. You're a special group. You've found in one another a bond that exists only in combat, among brothers. You've shared foxholes, held each other in dire moments. You've seen death and suffered together. I'm proud to have served with each and every one of you. You all deserve long and happy lives in peace.
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Thanks, Trump for the civics lesson. We are learning so much about RICO, espionage, sedition, impeachment, the 25th Amendment, order of succession, nepotism, separation of powers, 1st Amendment, obstruction of justice, the emoluments clause, conflicts of interest, collusion, sanctions, oligarchs, money laundering and so much more.
Thanks for the roast, Louis, and I apologize for not being able to make your party in the draft subforum. However, I will take your advice and stop shining my own bells on my bridle. After all, I respect people who are able to get advanced degrees in such things, and your knowledge in this area would certainly help.
And listen, don't let your colleagues' whispers and winks continue to get you paranoid into believing that your department is the academic equivalent of farm subsidies. They're wrong. What you're doing really matters. I know this because I recently spoke with one of your current graduate students:
You're like the bass that he kept telling me about; you make people want to start moving.
Anyway, thanks again. Truly, it's an honor to fall outside the top 10--pete sent me 36 PMs bitching about the call--and I'll work harder in the coming year.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by badgirl
If you met me in person and didn't know who I was you would never guess it was me.
Men, it's been a long war, it's been a tough war. You've fought bravely, proudly for Chiefsplanet. You're a special group. You've found in one another a bond that exists only in combat, among brothers. You've shared foxholes, held each other in dire moments. You've seen death and suffered together. I'm proud to have served with each and every one of you. You all deserve long and happy lives in peace.
Those antiPiolist guys get all the credit, and no one remembers us veterans of the Greg Robinson guerilla wars.
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Active fan of the greatest team in NFL history.
Those antiPiolist guys get all the credit, and no one remembers us veterans of the Greg Robinson guerilla wars.
Or the Herm Edwards Day beach landings.
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Thanks, Trump for the civics lesson. We are learning so much about RICO, espionage, sedition, impeachment, the 25th Amendment, order of succession, nepotism, separation of powers, 1st Amendment, obstruction of justice, the emoluments clause, conflicts of interest, collusion, sanctions, oligarchs, money laundering and so much more.
07-31-2014, 09:33 PM
VARSITY
Linear Mode
