The 2014 CP Roasts thread

[Pasta Little Brioni]

Since the Broncos fail finished another NFL season, it is time for some off season shenanigans. By request of some quality longterm posters, I have started this thread for CPers to show off their smack skills. Let it begin....

[ShortRoundChief]

Originally Posted by Flybone McTimmerson

Showering is up there for most folks.

I ain't most folks.

[T-post Tom]

Originally Posted by loochy

..."Kimono dragon." Kimono dragon?

I love kimonos. Christmas giftwrap X eleventy billion...

[Simply Red]

philfree

Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Free Agency
Casino cash: $74117




I remember sometime in 2005 for about 48 hrs thinking this guy may be a decent poster. A few days had passed, I noticed everyone calling Phobia 'Phil' and somehow I think that's were the confusion started, because as it turned out philfree couldn't equal Phobia's skid mark.

There were like three times I've agreed with this guy, Two out of the three were when I drank and was too wasted to recognize other drunken poster's posts.

I have to give it to philfree though, the guy has no issue with dropping a pretty dime on some Woodford Reserve (however on these days he settles on Haams beer)

His first wife dropped him for being a shitty, drunken golfer with E.D. - The current wife hates him too but tolerates him because she too likes to tie one on, pretty much nightly with the Rumbleminze.

I keep waiting for good football takes, advice on women or some other actual DECENT post from this guy, but after 9 years and graying hair, I'm running out of patience. After all of these years I'm convinced philfree may actually let his children take over his account here on CP.

If you ever find yourself in a bizarre situation needing advice and philfree is the only one out there to help - let's just say - take the advice - then actually do the exact opposite, then everything should turn out great.

... but be patient everyone; philfree is going to start posting actually meaningful, contributing posts, one day. I have faith that one day he'll be up to a Tuckdaddy posting-level.


Positive Outlooks for 2014

-Hopefully will post better posts.
-Stop mixing white and brown liquors on pizza night.

[Sorter]

Originally Posted by Direckshun

Sorter is an enigma wrapped in a condom buried in a coke mule.

My reply is no.

If there were an award for "guy who knows football extremely well about but chooses to spend his time on a football board farting around about sloths," Sorter would probably demand that Boxxxy present it to him.

Without a doubt.

I'm fairly certain that Sorter is a furry.

Don't count on it.

Maybe that explains his attraction to Boxxxy, Loki, and other people that look like mischievous badgers and Komono dragons.

Very doubtful.

It would not surprise me in the least if I learned that Sorter was, at the very least, a "brony."

My sources say no.

It's just a matter of time before he replies to misguided football claims with gifs of Twilight Sparkle sarcastically dusting off her mane

Outlook not so good.

[Sorter]

Originally Posted by Inmem58

Sorter,


Please stop with your bullshit posts that make zero sense. Thanks douche bag.

I will try earnestly.

[Sorter]

Originally Posted by stumppy

I never knew Sorter drank til I seen him sober one day.

Who are you?

[Simply Red]

Originally Posted by Flybone McTimmerson

Showering is up there for most folks.

[salame]

[crazycoffey]

Originally Posted by rico

Thread was dead when I posted my Direckshun roast... for what it's worth (written a long time ago):

Somewhere in the top 20: Direckshun

This guy is a character.

* I think Direckshun’s username is supposed to imply the word, “direction.” Considering the consistencies between radical liberals and hipsters, I’ve always just assumed he chose to spell his username the way he did because the man tends to possess a few “hipster” characteristics. If this is the case, I don’t get the "irony." The only irony I am able to pick up on is the fact that there seems to be a ton of DC lunatics on this forum who probably would like to put a scalding hot iron to his face.

* Direckshun, implying “direction.” It’s so ironic how his username seems open ended, for the “direction” isn’t specified in his username. As if there is any sort of mystery as to which direction this man tends to lean towards. In fact, the only “rection” associated with Direckshun that can be considered a mystery, is which gender gives him an E-rection. Anyways, you can figure out which direction Direckshun tends to lean toward, simply by spending a mere millisecond on the DC sub-forum. For those of you who still don’t know which direction this man leans towards, let me give you a hint: “It isn’t right. IT ISN’T ****ING RIGHT!!!!”

* It is a fact generally known by most CP users that Direckshun seems to have an obsession with the draft. Which is ironic, for if this were 1965, I’d fully expect Direckshun to be a draft dodger…and today he’d be spending his time mocking CFL shit. And if Direckshun were ever drafted by the Dodgers, his sole purpose on that team would be to stroke the pe….err, I mean ego of catcher, Mike Piazza before games, for Direckshun has semi-recently been very vocal regarding how enamored he is with catchers. “Catching” hits close to home with Direckshun, presumably because it can be considered symbolic or metaphorical in terms of the role he assumes in his own personal life.

* Despite the fact that I fully expect Direckshun’s eccentricities to eventually result in him doing something looney enough that will ultimately result in him being shunned from every school in the U.S.A. (with an exception of Catholic schools), he is, in fact, a teacher. So how has he spent his summer break so far? From what I’ve gathered via CP posts, Direckshun has spent the majority of his time playing soccer (and getting injured via twisting his knee in the wrong “direction” -DMAC), fantasizing about catchers and thinking about; George Zimmerman, Sarah Murnaghan, SCOTUS ruling on the Voting Rights Act, Eric Snowden, the GOP's immigration reform problem, the sins of the State Department, infrastructure investment, Syria, climate change, The Beveridge Curve, "The Five," GOP extremism, vol. XXCL, the Farm Bill cluster****, banking on "The Daily Show," and soda sin tax. Not only has he stated that he is “thinking” about these things, but he has gone “full rico” in terms of detailing his thoughts pertaining to every single one of these issues. It appears VERY time consuming. So time consuming, in fact, that I can’t help, but wonder how a mature, ball-loving man like Direckshun finds the time to find privacy, put his hand in his pocket, grab his tiny little utensil, grip his tiny little utensil and……draftabulate.

* I sure as shit hope you aren’t offended, Direckshun. I am only mocking you in good fun. Please don’t shun me, for I genuinely like you.

* Pro: gesterone levels that are abnormally high is what makes Direckshun the way she is.

* Cons: piracy theories that are glaringly anti-conservative.

* Future Outlook: After being shunned from all schools and while taking a break from creating mock drafts, Direckshun will post anti-conservative conspiracy theories that are fueled by the abnormally high levels of progesterone produced by her body.

To;dr again.....

[rico]

Originally Posted by crazycoffey

To;dr again.....

To;dr???

To the...dr....again???? What's that mean????

OH!!! DUH!!! To the donut race, again. Ugh, I'm absent-minded sometimes.

[MTG#10]

Originally Posted by BigRedChief

not quite

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. As we say in KC, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you. You are a bloody nardless newbie twit protohominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal parasitic pond scum and I wish you would go away.

You're a putrescence mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-reeruned, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.

Someone found an online insult generator.

[Pasta Little Brioni]

Nice job SR. Had no idea you had such a strong dislike for philfree.

[Pasta Little Brioni]

I need to repost my rico roast if I can find it.

[Simply Red]

Originally Posted by PGM

Nice job SR. Had no idea you had such a strong dislike for philfree.

It's really not a dislike - it's pretty much all fun, but he is a terrible poster.

[Pasta Little Brioni]

Originally Posted by Simply Red

It's really not a dislike - it's pretty much all fun, but he is a terrible poster.

You should do a Tuckdaddy as well.