Gay Day With Clay VI: Return of the Fed-I

[Hammock Parties]

Puke Claywalker has returned to his home planet of Postooine in an attempt to rescue his friend Han Trollo from the clutches of the vile gangster Clarka the Hunt.

Little does Puke know that the CHECKDOWN EMPIRE has secretly begun construction on a new armored ennui station even less powerful than the first dreaded Dink Star.

When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of rebels struggling to restore touchdowns to the franchise...

So let's do this shit.

I wake up in the morning and spend some time with my girlfriend. She's always there for me. I'm actually getting work done here. Yes, i get to watch Jay Cutler getting sacked for work. It's a swell gig.



Let's get ready for our gay day. It's a bit chilly so I decide to wear corduroys. I got them on sale from Jos. A Bank!



Here's our first stop! Look at all those ****ing TVs. I already have a TV but just walking into Sam's Club and seeing them all gives me wood.



What should we ****ing buy at Sam's Club? All the necessities...hummus, celery, apples, mother****ing tuna because this growing boy needs his protein...also I'm 33 in seven days and don't want to lose my hair. **** you. I'm heading this shit off at the pass. Also, I am a cheap bastard and I'm not springing extra for Rogaine.



FUUUUUU*******. This is indeed a Star Wars themed Gay Day. I didn't buy these but just walking past them makes me hop in the air and click my heels together.



OH MAN I WALKED PAST THIS THOUGH AND YOU BET I BOUGHT IT.



**** yes. I am slightly European, so these will go great with my super gay tea breaks. 10 bucks for the whole tin, too. I love Sam's Club. The Force is strong with me, mother****er.



Speaking of Lucasfilm references, look, it's Indiana ****ing Jones! I have a moment of regret, because I'm also wearing a leather jacket, and could have brought my fedora. I could have totally posed with this guy. ****.



I skip the gratuitous slice of Sam's Club pizza and decided it's lunchtime. **** going to these places, though. If you eat at Panera bread you are either fat, a really stupid college girl, or just have terrible taste in restaurants. Actually, all three of those things more than likely.



THIS IS WHERE I'M EATING. **** ALL OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE IT.



Hey look, pagan symbols and pitch awards. I'm ****ing down. This is also my first time here.



Would you look at all that food that will make me shit the rainbow later. LET'S DO THIS. God this place smells wonderful. It's time to feed myself.



I get my first plate. The service here sucks and they don't even bring me water. I had to get my own utensils. No ****s given. I'd rather not tip a dirty hindu anyway.



My water ****ing arrives after an extra from Temple Doom finally gets done with his human sacrifices, and I begin my second plate. This food is awesome. Kali Ma, shakti de!



KALI MAAAAAAAAA! KALI MAAAAAAAAA! The Daal is a bit runny, but it's all gonna be runny in a few hours so no big deal. I am ****ing stuffed. Note that I didn't get a refill on my water, because ****ing Punjab was too busy ripping some guy's heart out and lowering him into a pit of lava.



We pause for a second to reflect on life. Current attitude: gluttonous. I am a Fed-I, like my father before me. GET IT. I FED MYSELF, SO I AM A FED-I. Oh, **** you.



We're not done ****ing around with indian shit, so let's go next door.



YES. Look at all this shit. **** Price Chopper, Hyvee and Aldi. This place is where it's at.



Also to be ****ed: your American swill cookies. I get my cookies imported. Also, they're called "biscuits." You philistines.



Hit the second post and see how we end this adventure.