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Old 12-24-2014, 03:36 PM  
Hammock Parties Hammock Parties is offline
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Gay Day With Clay VI: Return of the Fed-I
Puke Claywalker has returned to his home planet of Postooine in an attempt to rescue his friend Han Trollo from the clutches of the vile gangster Clarka the Hunt.

Little does Puke know that the CHECKDOWN EMPIRE has secretly begun construction on a new armored ennui station even less powerful than the first dreaded Dink Star.

When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of rebels struggling to restore touchdowns to the franchise...

So let's do this shit.

I wake up in the morning and spend some time with my girlfriend. She's always there for me. I'm actually getting work done here. Yes, i get to watch Jay Cutler getting sacked for work. It's a swell gig.



Let's get ready for our gay day. It's a bit chilly so I decide to wear corduroys. I got them on sale from Jos. A Bank!



Here's our first stop! Look at all those ****ing TVs. I already have a TV but just walking into Sam's Club and seeing them all gives me wood.



What should we ****ing buy at Sam's Club? All the necessities...hummus, celery, apples, mother****ing tuna because this growing boy needs his protein...also I'm 33 in seven days and don't want to lose my hair. **** you. I'm heading this shit off at the pass. Also, I am a cheap bastard and I'm not springing extra for Rogaine.



FUUUUUU*******. This is indeed a Star Wars themed Gay Day. I didn't buy these but just walking past them makes me hop in the air and click my heels together.



OH MAN I WALKED PAST THIS THOUGH AND YOU BET I BOUGHT IT.



**** yes. I am slightly European, so these will go great with my super gay tea breaks. 10 bucks for the whole tin, too. I love Sam's Club. The Force is strong with me, mother****er.



Speaking of Lucasfilm references, look, it's Indiana ****ing Jones! I have a moment of regret, because I'm also wearing a leather jacket, and could have brought my fedora. I could have totally posed with this guy. ****.



I skip the gratuitous slice of Sam's Club pizza and decided it's lunchtime. **** going to these places, though. If you eat at Panera bread you are either fat, a really stupid college girl, or just have terrible taste in restaurants. Actually, all three of those things more than likely.



THIS IS WHERE I'M EATING. **** ALL OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE IT.



Hey look, pagan symbols and pitch awards. I'm ****ing down. This is also my first time here.



Would you look at all that food that will make me shit the rainbow later. LET'S DO THIS. God this place smells wonderful. It's time to feed myself.



I get my first plate. The service here sucks and they don't even bring me water. I had to get my own utensils. No ****s given. I'd rather not tip a dirty hindu anyway.



My water ****ing arrives after an extra from Temple Doom finally gets done with his human sacrifices, and I begin my second plate. This food is awesome. Kali Ma, shakti de!



KALI MAAAAAAAAA! KALI MAAAAAAAAA! The Daal is a bit runny, but it's all gonna be runny in a few hours so no big deal. I am ****ing stuffed. Note that I didn't get a refill on my water, because ****ing Punjab was too busy ripping some guy's heart out and lowering him into a pit of lava.



We pause for a second to reflect on life. Current attitude: gluttonous. I am a Fed-I, like my father before me. GET IT. I FED MYSELF, SO I AM A FED-I. Oh, **** you.



We're not done ****ing around with indian shit, so let's go next door.



YES. Look at all this shit. **** Price Chopper, Hyvee and Aldi. This place is where it's at.



Also to be ****ed: your American swill cookies. I get my cookies imported. Also, they're called "biscuits." You philistines.



Hit the second post and see how we end this adventure.
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:37 PM   #2
Hammock Parties Hammock Parties is offline
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We hit the Burger King bathroom across the street for a piss break and a selfie. I've attempted to lock myself in with paper towels but I don't think it's gonna hold. Actually, those paper towels were already there. Some germophobe just gone done in here. Weirdos. Note my leather jacket. Why yes, it is 100% lambskin and a screen-accurate replica of Harrison Ford's jacket from the 1981 smash action adventure hit Raiders of the Lost Ark. A LUCASFILM LTD. PRODUCTION.



ONWARD! Now that we are fed, let's get some nerd shit. Fun anecdote: a slightly disabled person was doing that sideways limp funkyman walk in front of me as I took this pic. I wonder if they thought I was taking a picture of them. I feel slightly guilty, but they were probably going in here to buy a pokemen doll to dry hump at night anyway.



YES! YES! YES! This is the best bang for your nerd buck on the planet. For half the price of an Indian buffet, which will give you a brick of shit in a few hours, you can get a whole brick of this other shit.



SUCK MY BRICK



We're heading home now but we have one more stop. Because I love to shop. TJ Maxx until you drop. Out of my car I hop. I really love that Indian slop. If you are one, **** you, cop.



A dead man wore this.



Here's another dead man. $39.99 for his ****ing death robes? **** that shit. I oughta burn this TJ Maxx down.



Speaking of things that need to die in a fire, on the way home I spot a woman with HER ****ING LAPDOP IN HER LAP WHILE SHE IS DRIVING. Johnson County is home to the dumbest ****ing WASPs in the country. This lady probably ate at Panera Bread for lunch. I bet she hasn't even SEEN Star Wars, and probably thinks I'm wearing a regular old leather jacket.



And we're home. This is a special photo to me, because last year I couldn't get up the driveway in the snow. **** you, Mustang.



So yeah, remember all those apples in my shopping cart? LET'S MAKE SOME ****ING APPLESAUCE. You can see the cinnamon stick peeking up at right. Note my very classy and sophisticated Emeril cookware. You know you turn like 15 apples into a huge pot of applesauce in about 90 minutes? It's wonderful.



Aww yeah. Feeding time for my Klipsch Promedia 2.1 speaker. Eat up buddy. You can see Boba Fett's boot!



I TOLD YOU WE WERE GOING TO "DO THIS SHIT." RIP INDIAN FOOD.



I am a Fed-I.

Join us next time on Gay Day VII: The Farce Awakens

Previous Episodes of GDWC:

Episode I: Winstead's

Episode II: Taco John's

Episode III: Big Biscuit

Episode IV: Pizza Manifesto

Episode V: Culvers
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:45 PM   #3
Mr. Flopnuts Mr. Flopnuts is offline
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JFC Clay. I just had my wife watch the Mr. Hankey South park episode. I didn't need a real life version.
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:49 PM   #4
BigMeatballDave BigMeatballDave is offline
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Guys still wear Corduroy? LOL

I think I wore some in the early 80s.
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:49 PM   #5
Deberg_1990 Deberg_1990 is offline
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Where's the pics of your girl?
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Matt once made a very nice play in Seattle where he spun away from a pass rusher and hit Bowe off his back foot for a first down.

One of the best plays Matt has ever made.
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:49 PM   #6
Bufkin Bufkin is offline
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This guy has to take pictures of his fecal matter and gay Blue Steel poses in order to feel relevant. Of course, it doesn't override his nonexistent football knowledge and impressive ability to pull things out of his ass.
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:49 PM   #7
Hammock Parties Hammock Parties is offline
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JFC Clay. I just had my wife watch the Mr. Hankey South park episode. I didn't need a real life version.
pwned

so totally pwned

I made you look at my shit on Christmas Eve!
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:50 PM   #8
lewdog lewdog is offline
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:50 PM   #9
Hammock Parties Hammock Parties is offline
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Where's the pics of your girl?
First pic. She's a bit flat.
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:50 PM   #10
Bugeater Bugeater is offline
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:50 PM   #11
Hammock Parties Hammock Parties is offline
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This guy has to take pictures of his fecal matter and gay Blue Steel poses in order to feel relevant. Of course, it doesn't override his nonexistent football knowledge and impressive ability to pull things out of his ass.
You looked at a picture of my shit.
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:51 PM   #12
Fansy the Famous Bard Fansy the Famous Bard is offline
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Ruchi's is ****ing awesome.
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Fansy the Famous Bard threw an interception on a screen pass.Fansy the Famous Bard threw an interception on a screen pass.Fansy the Famous Bard threw an interception on a screen pass.Fansy the Famous Bard threw an interception on a screen pass.Fansy the Famous Bard threw an interception on a screen pass.Fansy the Famous Bard threw an interception on a screen pass.Fansy the Famous Bard threw an interception on a screen pass.Fansy the Famous Bard threw an interception on a screen pass.Fansy the Famous Bard threw an interception on a screen pass.Fansy the Famous Bard threw an interception on a screen pass.Fansy the Famous Bard threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:52 PM   #13
Hammock Parties Hammock Parties is offline
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Ruchi's is ****ing awesome.
It was good, but I think I prefer the buffet at Taj Mahal. Need to try Korma Sutra.
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:53 PM   #14
Bufkin Bufkin is offline
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You looked at a picture of my shit.
Touché
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Old 12-24-2014, 03:54 PM   #15
LoneWolf LoneWolf is offline
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