Hypothetical: Enter the witness protection program here.
 

State your interest and I will assign you a new life, along with that of your real or hypothetical spouse.

Here's mine:

Male name: BRYON
Female name: PAMELA
Surname: BARLOW
Location: Winnebago County, Iowa
Male occupation: Audio-Visual and Multimedia Collections Specialists
Annual Salary: $39,500
Female occupation: Tellers
Annual Salary: $31,700
Your Main Hobby: Astrology
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Skiing

I wish they had assigned me a first name with a standard spelling, but my new job sounds okay. Kind of a cold place to live, though.

Already in the program.

Second time's a charm. Here's your new identity.

WTF ! My main Hobby is HERPING !

You will unfortunately get teased a bit regarding 1980s Saturday Night Live, but you'll make a good living off your spouse.

Male name: HANS
Female name: FRAN
Surname: PARKS
Location: Monroe County, Illinois
Male occupation: Machine Feeders and Offbearers
Annual Salary: $32,000
Female occupation: Information Security Analysts
Annual Salary: $117,400
Your Main Hobby: Aircraft spotting
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Origami

I had to look it up, and it sounds interesting. It was less prostitution-related than I thought.

So after a long day of feeding raw material into a machine, I relax by determining if there is currently aircraft flying through the sky or not.

I'd rather just get murdered by the mob. Thanks anyway.

Ok.. I have a Mob hit out for me because I ratted them out.... I need to be by a golf course...

Did your new life not ... PUMP ... YOU ... UP?

Sorry, just had to get in the first naming ridicule.

Let's see.

Male name: HARVEY
Female name: NAOMI
Surname: RAWSON
Location: Kinney County, Texas
Male occupation: Education Administrators, Postsecondary
Annual Salary: $62,900
Female occupation: Sound Engineering Technicians
Annual Salary: $49,800
Your Main Hobby: Pottery
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Rappelling

A pot-making principal on the Mexican border. Are you reading a golf connection into any of that?

I'm going to start calling the wife Naomi in the morning....

I want in! Hide me!

You get an alliterative name and a new home in the heartland, along with a nimble wife.


Male name: MARC
Female name: JACQUELYN
Surname: MARTZ
Location: Warrick County, Indiana
Male occupation: Meeting, Convention, and Event Planners
Annual Salary: $44,200
Female occupation: Media and Communication Equipment Workers, All Other
Annual Salary: $96,300
Your Main Hobby: Fantasy Sports
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Parkour

Do you guys remember Wright Thompson's feature about Helmet Man, the Egyptian National who emigrated to the US, became a witness for the first WTC bombing, and was then eventually relocated to KC, where he became a Chiefs Superfan? Eventually, the FO found out his identity, and after other legal and financial dustups, they took away his season tickets.

Additional layer of irony: the two main guys he testified against were in Leavenworth and Springfield, and they plopped him down basically right between the two of them.

I don't remember them, but I also don't know what metal pickling is. You'll have a pretty quiet new life in northern Nebraska.

Male name: WILBURN
Female name: ELIZA
Surname: RISLEY
Location: Keya Paha County, Nebraska
Male occupation: Pump Operators, Except Wellhead Pumpers
Annual Salary: $49,900
Female occupation: Cleaning, Washing, and Metal Pickling Equipment Operators and Tenders
Annual Salary: $20,700
Your Main Hobby: Philately
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Skimboarding

I need to a new life so AARP can't keep tracking me down with these solicitations.

Im game

Do me, do me

My salary compared to hers, though. :(

What in the hell is his hobby?

That sounds sexual.

Like he's blowing dudes.

I put provel on spam and need to disappear before FMB finds me.

LMAO

I hope witness protection makes you my neighbor. I don't want to travel far to hunt you down.

They're after me. It's all a misunderstanding but I gotta get outta here.

Read an interesting article a while back on Linkedin about faking your own death, which is a little different but basically ends up with you trying to anonymously live a brand new life.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/so-yo...beth-greenwood

I'm in.

I was sent here from 'da boys in Jersey to find a few of yous .......

Anyone see Rocco Ravioli?
How about Sal Salami?
Louie Lasagna?
Matty Manicotti?
Petey Prosciutto?

Wonder how you would go about faking someone else's death ? Asking for a friend.

In

You're getting sent to California. Nobody would look for you there.

I guess it depends on whether they are in on it or not.

LMAO Yeah that's a safe bet.

Practical jokes are fun.

A guy in my high school class tried to do this about 10 years after we graduated. He just disappeared one day. Abandoned his work truck and left his wife, young child and everyone else wondering what happened to him. IIRC, a few months later, he was found in the Southwest somewhere. I guess he just wanted a restart on his life and the standard approach of divorcing and moving on didn't work for him. There was probably more to the story, but I never heard the details.

Sign me up!

Travel day. I'll create your identities this afternoon.

In.

Psst, you should check out Sorce. He was using some food related word that started with P so he may be that Petey guy you'se looking for.

sign me up. i could use a relocation. i was in the jehovah witness protection program until recently. i thought i had it made but i screwed up and somebody up on the watchtower spotted me. i cant sleep. worrying about that inevitable knock on the door. and those guys on a bike, yeah they’re keeping tabs.

That's not Italian, nor is it Italian-related.

I once did a thing for the people at the place. I could use a hand.

I ratted out my boys. Help!

Can I live in Montana in the summer and Arizona in the winter?

I like toast

Okay, let's protect you from those ruffians.

Male name: BRAD
Female name: MIA
Surname: MANCILLA
Location: Esmeralda County, Nevada
Male occupation: Weighers, Measurers, Checkers, and Samplers, Recordkeeping
Annual Salary: $23,200
Female occupation: Pipelayers
Annual Salary: $31,000
Your Main Hobby: Water sports
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Genealogy

Do you think you'll specialize in weighing or measuring?

I bet you and your wife will have to feign very strong interest in gold and silver coins.

Male name: ROBIN
Female name: ANNMARIE
Surname: HAMPSON
Location: Davis County, Iowa
Male occupation: Industrial Machinery Mechanics
Annual Salary: $63,500
Female occupation: Personal Care Aides
Annual Salary: $29,400
Your Main Hobby: Coin collecting
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Element collecting

That's a pretty cool name you got assigned. And you'll have to become a fan of teacher's unions.

Male name: SOLOMON
Female name: BRIDGET
Surname: LUM
Location: Rains County, Texas
Male occupation: Biological Science Teachers, Postsecondary
Annual Salary: $92,700
Female occupation: Recreation and Fitness Studies Teachers, Postsecondary
Annual Salary: $90,500
Your Main Hobby: Element collecting
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Hiking/backpacking

I hope you have some Korean in your background, or the mob will find you quickly. If whales make it into Lake Michigan, Agnes will be happy, though.

Male name: JEFFERSON
Female name: AGNES
Surname: YOON
Location: Van Buren County, Michigan
Male occupation: Proofreaders and Copy Markers
Annual Salary: $19,200
Female occupation: Carpet Installers
Annual Salary: $25,300
Your Main Hobby: Exhibition drill
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Whale watching

I'm in, make it quick... They're onto me already

I hope you can cook kosher.

Male name: JONAS
Female name: KATHARINE
Surname: WASSERMAN
Location: Dallas County, Iowa
Male occupation: Hotel, Motel, and Resort Desk Clerks
Annual Salary: $28,900
Female occupation: Real Estate Brokers
Annual Salary: $58,800
Your Main Hobby: Lapidary
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Embroidery

I knew a girl named Rowena in elementary school. I hope she got a little more polished before you married her.

Male name: WARD
Female name: ROWENA
Surname: STEPHAN
Location: Richmond County, North Carolina
Male occupation: Nuclear Technicians
Annual Salary: $115,000
Female occupation: Nursing Assistants
Annual Salary: $32,000
Your Main Hobby: Genealogy
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Baton Twirling

Do me, do me!

How odd. You'd think that the mafia chiefs would get together and save money on a major hit there.

I don't know if you need an escape, but I've prepared one for you. This one may have been taken from an old script of "My Name Is Earl".

Male name: NED
Female name: JAMIE
Surname: GRABOWSKI
Location: Taylor County, West Virginia
Male occupation: Self-Enrichment Education Teachers
Annual Salary: $39,600
Female occupation: Switchboard Operators, Including Answering Service
Annual Salary: $26,300
Your Main Hobby: Bodybuilding
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Roller skating

I like the consistency of yours. A TSA agent who flies model airplanes in the plains of west Texas. It's almost too good.

Male name: EARLE
Female name: CASANDRA
Surname: STAUFFER
Location: Crosby County, Texas
Male occupation: Transportation Security Screeners
Annual Salary: $35,500
Female occupation: Dental Hygienists
Annual Salary: $84,200
Your Main Hobby: Model aircraft
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Record collecting

We're not practicing Jews.

Also re: my hobby.

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/201...b2cfe23eff.jpg

I bet you have to take Cristina to the Caribbean every year to keep your cover. Nice work.

Male name: WILLIE
Female name: CRISTINA
Surname: DULEY
Location: Hamlin County, South Dakota
Male occupation: Astronomers
Annual Salary: $52,400
Female occupation: Instructional Coordinators
Annual Salary: $41,000
Your Main Hobby: Woodworking
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Scuba diving

You're a rappelling lounge singer married to the girl behind the counter at Wendy's. No one will suspect a thing.

Male name: ZACHARY
Female name: CLARICE
Surname: HALLIDAY
Location: Lowndes County, Georgia
Male occupation: Musicians and Singers
Annual Salary: $70,100
Female occupation: Cooks, Fast Food
Annual Salary: $21,600
Your Main Hobby: Rappelling
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Metal detecting

Apparently you're going to have to pretend that you're 80.

Male name: MORRIS
Female name: LORRAINE
Surname: BURG
Location: Barnwell County, South Carolina
Male occupation: Hearing Aid Specialists
Annual Salary: $39,800
Female occupation: Veterinary Assistants and Laboratory Animal Caretakers
Annual Salary: $30,500
Your Main Hobby: Antiquities
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Dance

You may be black, but I'm not sure. If not, you're Persian. That should make it easy to fit in.

Male name: DARIUS
Female name: LYNNE
Surname: POPE
Location: Washington County, Colorado
Male occupation: Medical and Health Services Managers
Annual Salary: $72,700
Female occupation: Railroad Conductors and Yardmasters
Annual Salary: $77,300
Your Main Hobby: Origami
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Table tennis

An HR assistant who paints and lives in the Upper Peninsula. The mafia will never stay awake long enough to find you.

Male name: WILBUR
Female name: ALYSON
Surname: HOLLOWELL
Location: Ontonagon County, Michigan
Male occupation: Human Resources Assistants, Except Payroll and Timekeeping
Annual Salary: $46,300
Female occupation: First-Line Supervisors of Farming, Fishing, and Forestry Workers
Annual Salary: $67,700
Your Main Hobby: Painting
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Gymnastics

One word for you. NASCAR.

Male name: ANTOINE
Female name: VANESSA
Surname: CLAAR
Location: Wilson County, Tennessee
Male occupation: Credit Analysts
Annual Salary: $98,500
Female occupation: Combined Food Preparation and Serving Workers, Including Fast Food
Annual Salary: $16,000
Your Main Hobby: Motor sports
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Volleyball

I wonder if your wife tries to shoot you when you're coming down, just to combine your hobbies.

Male name: ERIK
Female name: LATISHA
Surname: RAMSDELL
Location: Newton County, Mississippi
Male occupation: Surgical Technologists
Annual Salary: $48,200
Female occupation: Cashiers
Annual Salary: $15,100
Your Main Hobby: Skydiving
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Airsoft

You have a good solid Midwestern identity other than that suspiciously foreign hobby.

Male name: MASON
Female name: ESTER
Surname: BLACKSHEAR
Location: Lincoln County, Wisconsin
Male occupation: Accountants and Auditors
Annual Salary: $66,600
Female occupation: Recreational Therapists
Annual Salary: $53,000
Your Main Hobby: Origami
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Motor sports

You're apparently easily entertained.

Male name: CARMINE
Female name: MILLICENT
Surname: SELL
Location: Webster Parish, Louisiana
Male occupation: Physical Therapist Assistants
Annual Salary: $54,500
Female occupation: Urban and Regional Planners
Annual Salary: $37,800
Your Main Hobby: Stone skipping
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Jewelry making

Well, here's another fine mess I've gotten you out of. (fussing with tie).

Male name: OLLIE
Female name: LENORA
Surname: RIEHL
Location: Menard County, Illinois
Male occupation: Secretaries and Administrative Assistants, Except Legal, Medical, and Executive
Annual Salary: $21,500
Female occupation: Drafters, All Other
Annual Salary: $73,100
Your Main Hobby: Deltiology*(postcard collecting)
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Color guard

If your wife is good at impersonating a surgeon, you can afford a lot of it. Why are you even working?

Male name: LESLIE
Female name: JILL
Surname: HOLLY
Location: Placer County, California
Male occupation: Electrical and Electronics Repairers, Commercial and Industrial Equipment
Annual Salary: $61,100
Female occupation: Surgeons
Annual Salary: $342,600
Your Main Hobby: Acting
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Genealogy

We need you to become the best curling Mexican artist in all of south Texas.

Male name: ELISEO
Female name: SHIRLEY
Surname: CONCEPCION
Location: Karnes County, Texas
Male occupation: Art Directors
Annual Salary: $59,400
Female occupation: Locomotive Firers
Annual Salary: $70,500
Your Main Hobby: Curling
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Deep web

I hope you're into the performing arts.

Male name: RANDELL
Female name: CHRISTINE
Surname: GALLAGHER
Location: Adams County, Idaho
Male occupation: Art, Drama, and Music Teachers, Postsecondary
Annual Salary: $54,000
Female occupation: Entertainers and Performers, Sports and Related Workers, All Other
Annual Salary: $24,000
Your Main Hobby: Crocheting
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Drawing

Don't know how more anonymous I can be with a name like Smith.

Alex?

"Carmine?" Shit. Like that ain't going to sound like a connected guy in hiding in Webster Parish. I'm a dead man.

I think I'd like to be a checkers specialist. Like those old guys in town on Petticoat Junction. I'll do some weighing, measuring, and sampling on the side.

Water sports in Nevada, huh? Lake Mead or Bunny Ranch?

Well, the last name sounds like Lebowski so that would be cool. Don't know where Taylor county is, but hopefully it's close to Snowshoe ski resort. It sounds like my wife would be a roller derby girl, which should be quite interesting.

i knew a guy who took more than he could get rid of and when the man for his payment the guy went into witness protection for two decades.

Lets do it but make my name Donald R. DiCicco.

I bet his identity isn't as good as yours.

Male name: LUTHER
Female name: HERMINIA
Surname: PRIVETT
Location: Kittitas County, Washington
Male occupation: Insulation Workers, Floor, Ceiling, and Wall
Annual Salary: $33,000
Female occupation: Set and Exhibit Designers
Annual Salary: $46,300
Your Main Hobby: Book restoration
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Watching movies

How about an Alaskan sewer job as an aspiring novelist named Dwight?

Male name: DWIGHT
Female name: TAMI
Surname: ASHLEY
Location: Southeast Fairbanks Census Area[5], Alaska
Male occupation: Water and Wastewater Treatment Plant and System Operators
Annual Salary: $36,700
Female occupation: Roustabouts, Oil and Gas
Annual Salary: $49,700
Your Main Hobby: Creative writing
Your Spouse's Main Hobby: Calligraphy[6]