A Truly Sh*tty Experience
 

I am a graduate student in a small college town. As many of you know, college towns are notorious for their shitty housing. Most of the residences in town are run down, and the somewhat nice ones are generally priced as though they are on the upper west side of Manhattan. What makes things worse are the endless petty ordinances that landlords often put up in order to discourage prospective renters, or make their lives a living hell.

I am not particularly good with authority. If I was a professional athlete, I’d probably be a locker room cancer because I hate having people tell me what to do, especially when I don’t think they are as capable as I am in a given task. I’m an elitist and a dickhead, in short, but sometimes it’s entertaining.

My current neighbors are trifling bitches. Despite the fact that there is a newly paved sidewalk that leads directly to the asphalt pad on which their cars are parked, for some reason they feel the need to traipse through the grass in order to travel the unbearable 30 foot distance. Perhaps that’s because after seeing one of them for the first time, my mom said, “you could serve dinner on that girl’s ass.”—after all it must be stressful.

Of course, these girls have to be in a sorority, because all overweight annoying girls whose parents pay their way are always in a sorority. It’s one of the axioms of the universe, right up their with the constant of the speed of light. These ‘sorostitutes’ always seem to have a sense of entitlement somewhere north of Maurice Clarett. It makes living next to them, well a pain in the ass. It’s ok when they are up til 4 am playing music over their very shitty speakers (I could tolerate it if it weren’t for the suck ass sound coming from their goddamn shelf system piece of monkey shit), but yet it’s inconvenient for them to not walk on the sidewalk because they don’t want to walk in my dog’s poop, as if dog shit is somehow hard to locate. You’d think that girls who spend the majority of their post-secondary education on their knees would at least have a passing familiarity with the ground. Nevertheless, I have always committed a cardinal sin whenever they happen to step in poop. Big deal I figure, after all, it’s only dog shit—wipe it off in the grass you love to walk in so much, and go blow some guy with a popped collar.

I love irony. For example, these girls are so scandalized by the excretion of an animal that eats a diet far healthier than nearly all people do, yet they willingly swallow the ejaculate of men they don’t even know. Alas, I am not the king of the universe, so perhaps I shouldn’t judge. Well, as bitches are wont to do, they bitched, complaining to our landlords numerous times about the piles of poop in the yard. I complied for the most part and picked them up whenever the incessant complaining would get unbearable, but after winter break I said to myself, “**** it,” and didn’t pick up a piece of crap for about six weeks. I was fortunate that a layer of snow concealed the shit for the most part, but now unseasonable weather has melted the snow off, exposing, well…a shitload of shit.

I got a letter from my landlord today informing me that if I did not pick up the poop today that I would be forced to move my dog out. Well **** that I thought to myself. I considered various forms of retribution, but in the end figured what the hell and picked all the shit up. I now have a 30 gallon trash bag filled with at least 25 pounds of dog poop in it (6 weeks of poop for a 60 pound dog is a lot of shit). Thus I have complied with the wishes of my landlord, but now I have all this shit that is just itching for me to do something with it. Perhaps I could make a shit airbag, like in “Men at Work”, or find a way to put it all in the trunks of the whores next door. Then again, I guess I could just light it all on fire on their doorstep in a ritual of purification. Nevertheless, attached are photos of the poop, and me, with a shit eating grin holding my prize aloft.

I don't think I have lived anywhere that wouldn't make a renter pick up their dog's poo.

you cant attach pics in the 1st post

Enjoy

http://xdd.xanga.com/5ad88b6163d3130.../b21406700.jpg
http://x9f.xanga.com/634b17f60353030.../b21406737.jpg

yeah, id be soooo tempted to do something mischievious with that bag.

Perhaps we should start a poll then.

I'd love to hear what they have to say about you.

**** polls, just take suggestions.

This is your best post ever, BTW, nice work.

Do they have a back porch or something. Stow the shit under it.

Do they have a mail slot?

No porch, although my landlords might...It's the bitches next door that I truly can't stand. There is central air in the apartments, perhaps I can find a way to put shit on the intake so their house smells like poop?

Better watch out with the flaming dog poo trick. Hahaha, one time a couple buddies of mine, lit a bag of poo on my neighbors porch and before you know it, the rug on the porch was on fire. She didnt press charges though. I worked with her as well so I talked her out of it. She accepted a simple apology from them. Funny as chit though.

What would happen if I packed the exhaust of their cars with dog shit?

Why dont you put it under the ladies seats in their cars? Do this in the dark. Cut a hole in their seats, somewhere where they cant see it and fill the insides of the seat with the poo.

one of my favorites is put it in a box and leave it on top of your car at a mall

give some one a surprise
if you can find an expensive box so much the better

Idea...they have a gas grill that they are quite fond of. I could put some of the shit in with the fake coals and when they fire it up next time...flaming shit...

You don't say? http://robmexico.blogspot.com/2005/1...-be-proud.html

Damn...this 'knocker is the biggest prickhead that's ever posted on this board...

Oh, and John Matrix is pretty fuckin' bad as well...

Kirksville-Where people make the difference.

That doesn't look like 25 lbs a crap.

As far as what you could do, I don't mean to be a jerk here but you could try taking responsibility for your animal - a dog needs to have someone clean up after it.

But, if you really just want to **** with them, and you don't care about living there, simply get some latex gloves and smear the shit all over their vehicles, door knobs and under the door handles on the vehicles as well. You could also buy a large bag of laundry detergent and 'dump' it on their yard and then water it.

So Matrix is Black Jack Savage?

I'm sure you already realize this, but you will be the likely suspect of any dogshit related prank you pull.

Maybe instead, you should accept that picking up your pet's waste is part of owning a pet, especially when you are sharing property with someone else.

Sometimes being the better man is the best route.

Why don't you pick up after your dog ?

If I had to share a yard with someone who was being a prick about picking up their dog's shit I'd make sure his vehicle smelled like dog shit and his burgers had a little extra flavor next time he grilled out.

Especially the crickers. :D

What's a cricker?

You have to be one of us to understand.

The etymology of cricker is just...wow.

Responsibility....pphhh....that blows. :)

Any the mayor burns down her bar for insurance money...:bang:

Too Tall's, right? That's the second time it burned. Suspicious circumstances the first time as well.

Yep Too Tall's...and she got implicated for a shady land deal out at Hazel Creek...she was like a cricker Nixon.

Glad to see you research your opposition. Shouldn't you be getting back to your column that no one reads? :whackit::D

We had a bar in Iola that burned down twice. After that we called it "The Flame Club" no matter what the owner called it.

pick up your shit - sounds like you've got more of a problem with the people that you live around than having pick it up.


if you lived in any major city, they would require you pick it up. its called having consideration for others around you.

weak sauce

damn there's something that make me a proud to be here
the least PC site
I like that

and don't get racist on my ass

rochambeau

You're a grad student at Truman State who takes pictures of himself with big bags of dog shit and complains about his fat sorority girl neighbors on the internet.

You claim to be an elitist.

I hate to break it to you, but you're just reeruned.

I'm not a grad student at Truman State, but I might very well be reeruned. In my own defense, I do complain about them in real life...

However, if you don't like it, you can go fuck yourself, Berkman.

"Opposition"? I'm sure you give yourself entirely too much credit.

You felt it important enough to get in the last word, it must have a kernel of truth.

The only idiots who care about the last word are the ones who talk about it. I've had exactly 2 other people accuse me of wanting the last word during my internet experience. Good company you keep kid.

I'm glad to know that you keep running statistics on all of your internet 'experiences'. I don't suppose you could concoct a Sabremetric formula for a hypersensitive jackass who thinks the world revolves around him because he happened to moderate an internet message board at one point.

I don't actually find it necessary to use a formula to count to 2.

You are just all over the point, aren't you?

Listen to me closely, Howdy Doody.

It's clear that you fancy yourself some kind of intellectual wannabe. I enjoy rapping with that variety of person from time to time. But until you master the concept of the pooper scooper, I'm kinda out of your league. Start out on somebody like royr17 and get back to me in a couple years. Good luck.

Heh, busted.

I'm sure I'll get flamed on this board because I'm not part of your world class wrecking crew, but quite frankly, I don't give a fuck. I'm sure that you're quite proud of all that you've accomplished, and I must admit, the breadth of your domain does approach that of Alexander the Great, but I must say that I am not as impressed as some of your other lackeys here. If that doesn't get me brownie points, well then I guess that I'll have to find meaning in my life elsewhere, because God knows the opinion of Phobia is really all that any of us mortals should ever concern ourselves with.

May the fleas of a million rats infest your every orifice, and may you drown on the pus of your own boils in the pits of blackest hell.

Have an excellent night.

Oh, squeeze to open the jaws of the Scooper, then twist, twist to uproot the grass and the poop, to wrench it clean. Twist the way your mother should have twisted the coathanger when she was infected with your alien fetus.

Is the Kansas City internet mafia going to put me down for circumventing the chain of message board command? Are all the endless vending machine company reps going to put out a hit on me because I don't follow the golden axiom "never question the will of the almighty Phobia"? The fact that you think someone needs to earn status on here in order to have an argument with you proves that your delusions are so extensive that nothing less than an elephant gun of thorazine in your ass will return you to normalcy.

I'd really like to address some of your concerns but I'm afraid you'll make another foolish post before I have a chance to adequately provide you with an answer.

Seriously guys I dont care...

typetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetype

typetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetype

Really its all stupid to me...


typetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetype

typetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetype

heh...

See if you would have just picked up your dog's shit like everyone else does then you...

Where is the fun in that?

At least your not bitter about it...............
 

Can we get some more oral fixation stories? This is pretty entertaining on a weekend without a Chiefs playoff game. But I digress.

Seriously you post a picture of yourself that is that goofy looking, and you make fun of some fat chicks??? And how are you a competant racists, Urkel could bash you gimpy weak ass... How did you pick up the bag of poo, did you get help?

Man we can go a couple different ways with this post...

You make two off the cuff comments about Andre Johnson and Shannon Sharpe and all of a sudden you're a racist...well, I guess I'll deal with that one.

I guess I'm talking to Ken Shamrock here. Since this thread was dead serious in matter, perhaps I should have taken a picture in the robe of a Supreme Court justice delivering the decision on a controversial case involving flag burning. Or I guess I could have taken it down the comical route...hence the goofy look. I guess I should quake in my boots, or break out in tears from total fear :deevee: Obviously you're a bad motherfucker... what with your GI Joe Avatar and all. What do you do when people fuck with you at a bar, transform into a tank and shoot them with a ray gun? You're obviously just one of Phobia's jack off buddies, so go do yourself a favor and get a good night's rest, you'll need it when you're whacking off to that picture of a bird that he has up now. Go King Cobra, you bloody douche rag.

You'll never make a good Phobia nemesis unless you learn the proper terminology.

Change "Phobia's jack off buddies" to "Phobia's minions" for starters.

Making comments about Andre Johnson and Shannon Sharpe doesn't make you a racist. You're a racist because you're an elitist prick and call black people by racial slurs.

Right.

The reerun is you, John Matrix.

You're like a slightly smarter version of kcchiefsman. Are you guys related?

Hhaahah....

Your hands would smell like, well, dog shit.

First, if you share a yard with someone, have a little respect and pick after your dog.
Second, you mention these girls have boyfriends, if you leave them a poo surprise, you may end up being nominated as the cum guzzler.

John Matrix is eating good tonight.

On a side note, if you were my neighbor, I would have picked it up for you, but you would have the problem of trying to figure out how to get it out of your mailbox. :spock:

If you've got a large breed dog, you need to clean that shit up even if you don't share a yard.

If Bob Dole's neighbor doesn't clean up his two pitbulls worth of shit-covered back yard by the time Spring rolls around, Bob Dole and the neighbor are going to have a problem. Bob Dole isn't going to be annoyed by the wafting stench when Bob Dole wants to sit in his own back yard.

Do it Mods...ban Matrix. Or maybe a vote is in order. It's the American way.

John Matrix sez to eat plenty of protien each day..............

Why would the mods ban someone who supplies comedy gold?

Hey Matrix, if the graduate thing doesn't work out...maybe you can pick up shit for a living. I hear it pays 2 cents a log. ROFL

Jesus, listen to the noob dishing out the smack. :hmmm:

"I now have a 30 gallon trash bag filled with at least 25 pounds of dog poop in it "

Think about that statement for a minute dickhead. Its not their dog shitting in the yard. Your fundamental responsibilities as a pet owner include feeding, watering, exercising, sheltering, keeping from biting others, and cleaning up the waste...of your pet.

I'm currently on the other end of this arguement in my neighborhood. A nice neighborhood, with nice people, and 1 douchebag ditchpig, who have 50 bags of garbage thrown against the side of their house, trash in the yard and a pitbull mix that runs at its discretion. After a year of the elderly neighbors, complaining about the garbage, and excessive come and go traffic, and the next door neighbor and I tiring of picking up garabage, which includes busted out psuedofed containers and pieces of batteries.......A YEAR of the city and landlord doing nothing.....Hurricane Iowanian staged some civil unrest this week along with a neighbor or two, threw a bucket of shit into a fan at a public meeting and began getting things taken care of this time.

Its YOUR responsibility, to do YOUR part to be a good neighbor too.

If I were your neighbor, and it was a problem for long....I'd probably have scooped all that dogshit into a snow shovel and smeared it on your welcome mat.

I'm beginning to wonder, if this particular psuedo-Intellectual, is just jealous that he wasn't allowed to sample the sophisticated flavor of the jiz.

[QUOTE=John Matrix]I'm sure I'll get flamed on this board because I'm not part of your world class wrecking crew, but quite frankly, I don't give a fuck.[QUOTE]

Need I say more. Do your 'minions' get extra rations from you for helping you fight the big, bad Matrix?

http://www.orangeforceone.com/albums...s/DSCN4829.jpg

Chiefsplanet Royalty says, "Why have women when you can grow your own breasts".

Nice rack.

Howdy Doody is making fun of MY appearance? Oh damn. The tears may force me to miss most of the football game.

While you were typing back to back to back posts in response to me on a Saturday night, every other 20 something male with any game at all was out scoring a piece of tail. Why were you more interested in me at that time? Is there something we should know about you Conan?

Sorry, there bro' I've already scored mine. Off the market.


I hope those tears don't dehydrate you. You might need to take a piss during halftime. With any luck, you might actually be able to see your dick--of course you'd probably need a bulldozer to push that paunch aside.

Seems she's not giving you enough attention.

[QUOTE=Phobia]Listen to me closely, Howdy Doody.
[QUOTE]


ROFL

Nailed it.

Dude, work on your smack and check back when you have something fresh. Let me give you some material. You could make fun of my horse teeth by calling me Elway or something like that. Maybe Nancy Kerrigan. Yeah - I think you should go with that.

So I'm getting a smack lecture from a guy whose best response was "I don't need a formula to count to 2". I've got a great idea--why don't you go w/ some "yo' momma" jokes to hone that razor's edge you have on your wit there.