Carlos Mencia will not mind if you take a couple of his. He didn't write them anyway.

Hootie, see what a failure you are?

He has disowned himself from this thread.

I see it gaining a 1000 more posts and him pining to come back.

Hootie should be removed from this thread due to abuse.

Columbia House shit was classic. LMAO

Damn i was gonna roast hootie but i guess its too late for that. I honestly think anyone should roast whomever, whenever, just to keep the list going at a much faster pace.

That and people will start running out of material after about 5-6 Roasts. Most people's humor becomes redundant, hootie isn't the only one.

Who the **** let BlackBob TardPants back in?

Haha, he's not even trying to hide his identity anymore.

Blackbob is more entertaining right now than Hootie anyway... Onward to 10K!!! *Then burn it with fire*

Once this reaches it's goal....it's trial time!!!

ROFLROFL


On par or maybe even better than Hooties roast.

Why aren't you adding the Saul Good ranking to the OP? IMO, he deserves it.

Nope. The stage is still open. Fire away.

What did you think of Saul Good's first entry, Frazod?

Will the pootie rating scale be changed to the equally nonsensical saulie scale?

Can't wait to see him roast Bambi...

Eh, it's Hootie's Top 101. Saul can carry this thing to 10K, but I'm done updating this POS.

You gotta keep the updates up
Posted via Mobile Device

Welp....Sorry

I don't think you're getting to 10k without the updates.

Sucks for Knowmo ROFL

I think Saul Good can take this bitch over and run with it. Seriously.

REPLACEMENT HOOTIE REVIEW, APPLICANT NO. 1 - Saul Good

Positives: Cherishes the spirit of Hootie. Cherishes all things Hootie. Was once himself Hootie, right up until the day that goddamn bitch refused to get an abortion. Longs to be Hootie again. Cries himself to sleep at night remembering what it was like to be Hootie. Covets Hootie. In fact, if he actually knew where Hootie was, Saul would probably kill Hootie, eat his heart, and then fashion a Hootie suit out of Hootie's actual skin and wear it while posting in this very thread. So that's settled - he's the best man for the job. Also, is smarter, more experienced, and a bit more creative than Hootie (brain was spared the hard years of constant alcohol abuse). And unlike Hootie, who works 50 hours a week, gets 1 day off and has a life, Saul's got nothing but time, and time, and more time, to pour himself into these rankings in honor of his fallen (or at least wandered off) champion. Well, that and argue the same points over and over with Wickedson in the realignment thread, but seriously, there's no reason he can't do both. It's not like anyone outside of cyberspace will miss him.

Negatives: Can't match Hootie's energy level, goofiness or actual happiness. Vaguely remembers what it was like to be joyfully carefree, but sadly can no longer emulate that since he turned into an angry version of Phil from City Slickers all those years ago; instead substitutes vitriol and spite for Hootie's slapstick silliness. Mean and nasty can only be fun for so long. At least for normal people.

Outlook: Saul seems to have impressed the Hootiephiles with his initial offering, but they are a fickle bunch, and much like their hero, easily distracted and ohhhhh shiny. He may have the right stuff, but let's see what he does with it.

Good luck Saul! :toast:

This is what we call pulling a Hootie.

The evening that I posted what ultimately became an abortion of an attempted roast of Hootie, I had an idea that I thought would be kind of funny. Due to the way the thread unraveled, I thought it would be funny to post a youtube video of the ending of the movie, "Carrie" and assign random posters to certain characters.

I, of course would be Carrie...all happy and whatever until the pig's blood was poured on me.

Various characters/items in that scene = various posters.

For example, you were going to be the character, Chris Hargenson. She is John Travolta's (metro Simply Red's) girlfriend...the shit-stirrer....the one who pulled the rope to the pig's blood that soaked Carrie. That was definitely you.

Mr. Kotter was going to be given the role of the mother's voice screaming, "they're all gonna laugh at you!!!"

CrazyCoffey was going to be the pig that was slaughtered.

I won't go on with the others.

Ultimately though, I decided to not go through with it. Thought it would be a good idea to just watch the thread bury itself. Not only was my "attempted roast" perceived as awful by you guys, but within the rambling (ugh, I do that BADLY when I have adderall in my system), I think there was a part where I did cross a line that I shouldn't have...with the facebook shit. It took me like 20 minutes to locate the Hootie "rant" on the CP facebook page....I took DJ's Left Nut's post a little too seriously on what he said about Hootie + principles.....Thought I needed to find genuine butt-hurt from Hootie (a guy I do not know and have only been somewhat familiar with for a year and a half when I joined) and that is the only real butt-hurt I knew of, from him....or at least that I knew how to easily locate.

Prior to posting, there was one thing that was highly suggested to me by someone who genuinely likes Hootie. And that was to not mention his last name, to ensure his safety. This person was serious about this. And I DIDN'T mention his last name, but the implications were heavy. Which was a "not thought out well enough" move on my part. Feel like a total douche-canoe about that. Should have left the ancient facebook shit out of it. Don't care how awful the roast was perceived, in retrospect, it was a douche move on my part.

I will say this, scrolling through all that CP facebook clutter was interesting in terms of putting usernames to faces. My gosh, some people's online personalities do not fit their actual faces AT ALL.

This thread is a passed around cum sock, tampon sock, tear catcher sock and a TP sock. Yet never warshed.

Where does this board stand on Hootie abuse? I'm not sure we've ever had this conversation.


What's CP's general take on the issue of Hootie cruelty?

Do you think it's an issue worth spending governmental resources over to combat?

Do you think there should be harsh punishments for egregious violations of Hootie cruelty?

Do you think regular offenders of Hootie cruelty should face prison time or property seizure?

Do you think that undercover investigators of Hootie cruelty should be punished by law for revealing their findings?

I am not familiar with a tampon sock, tear catcher sock or a a tp sock. Please elaborate.

Keep it in dc ****tard.
LMAO

ROFL

Not saying it would ever happen, but how ironic of a turn of events would it be if Frazod ended up finishing it off?! That would be EPIC, for it appears that, like Saul Good, he is inclined to do these well.

:fire:

Then just piss on it.

My opinion is that the dude apparently does have posters who genuinely hate him, but if there is any suspicion that there is someone who hates him so much that they'd be willing to take their feelings of disdain for him to another level (like confrontation outside of CP), then I feel his personal safety should at least be ensured, regardless of how many people he has inflicted with the butt-hurt.

We need to hire Kevin Costner to become his bodyguard. However, with both of their histories they'd wind up screwing.

Or he'd end up like Whitney Houston. Widely believed by the general public to be a victim of Bobby Brown's influence.

I don't think we should be mean to hootie, but the last thing we need is another CP rule for moderators to inconsistently enforce. I think a well defined and narrowly focused rule would be OK though. How about every time someone upsets hootie we make frazod a miserable user for a day and change phobia's name to "I♥Hootie" to cheer him up?

Jesus.

Please keep your religiousity in DC. Thanks.

You have fresh ideas that I enjoy very much.

Please keep your lifelong quest for narrow rules in the rules forum.

Nah. I'm not enough of an egomaniacal jerkoff to bother.

That's why the DOTY is a poll, not just me issuing silly edicts.

84. StevieRay

Stevie is a devout Christian. He briefly flirted with the idea of becoming a priest because he wanted a job that encouraged being a sexual predator, but he couldn't figure out how to show off his chest hair while wearing the clerical collar. Eventually, he decided to become an Elvis impersonator so that he could have the best of both worlds.

Easily the most passive-aggressive member of our fine community, Stevie loves to take cheap shots at other posters under the guise of being concerned about their emotional and spiritual well-being. He's elevated it to an art-form. This is the closest he will ever get to being an actual artist despite the fact that he fancies himself a painter. Maybe I'm a philistine, but any asshole with a can of spray paint and a bad attitude can produce the kind of "art" Stevie shits out. I've paid $3 for landscapes on cardboard in Tijuana that were better than the portraits of black people Stevie adds to the side of charter schools. Maybe if he had thought of doing portraits of Andre the Giant and writing "obey", he could have become the modern day Andy Warhol. Instead, he's Bazooka Joe without the punchlines.

His claim to fame is that he's a Chiefs superfan. Not just anyone can do that, you know...you have to have a costume...or at least some red face paint and Chiefs bed sheets to wear as a cape or something. Okay. Anyone can do that, but it's still pretty sweet. They get their own locker room at Arrowhead and everything. I mean, it's not technically a locker room per se, but he and X-factor do change in the same port-a-potty in the parking lot before games. (I guess I was right the first time. You have to be able to fit inside a port-a-potty to be a superfan, so not just anyone can do it...sorry, Fraz.)

http://i1176.photobucket.com/albums/...ps3f65c78e.jpg

Pros: I like the way the word "pompadour" sounds. Now that the new Liberace movie has come out, his Elvis costumes actually seem relevant. Does that sweet "stick your arm out straight and wiggle your hand" thing really well.

Cons: Looks inside his kleenex after blowing his nose. (What the **** are you hoping to find?) Mixes his "Jesus Juice" too stiff. Remember, Stevie, putting it in a Pepsi can isn't enough. If the first one has too much booze, the kids are going to get wise to your plot. Fast-forwards "Passion of the Christ" to the scenes where Jim Caviezel has his shirt off.

Outlook for 2014: Let's say higher. No way does this year's list even get finished, so who gives a **** about next year, anyway?

Hey Flop, I assume you've heard of my predicament with my password? Could you pm it to me? FYI it's el jefe if you didn't know.

God damn. If you did that to stevie...I am scared of what you're going to do to me. LMAO

I think it's safe to say that if I didn't get MU status dumped on me last week, it's not going to happen. LMAO

Yeah, that's pretty much what I figured your stance was on that... Nothing wrong with that outlook, honestly. Regardless and FWIW, your roast was funny.

:clap:

I sense a huge pedo leaning to your jokes.

I am interested in your ideas and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

First rate. I genuinely chuckled nearly nonstop from roughly 'chest hair' to 'Caviezel.'

Holy shit, some of your roasts need to be pinned to some sort of n00b handbook.

This is the greatest thing that has ever been posted on this board.

http://i.imgur.com/X8yru1X.jpg

no flying robots, no care

Hey hey hey!!! Calling a cop a pig has to be worse than calling an African American male an Asian slur starting with zipper....

LMAO Well to your defense...the pig in that movie wasn't an ass-wipe...It fell pray to ass-wipes, but wasn't one. Was too much of a blatant connection though, sorry man.

Pretty much nailed it. Also, I caught Silence of the Lambs, City Slickers, and Finding Nemo references. Did I miss any?

Finding Nemo was inadvertent.

Nice work on those, BTW. You really do have a knack for this.

83. Rustshack

You probably don't recognize the name, but the next time you read a random post about how ****ing great Iowa State is...think back to this thread...this is who I'm talking about. His posts are like when Bad Company is the band playing the local free concert in the park. At first, you're like "who the **** is Bad Company?" Then, when the first song starts, you're going "I didn't know they played this song". Then, an entire hour passes where you know all the words to the songs that you didn't realize were by Bad Company. You probably thought it was Foriegner your whole life, but it wasn't. Its totally understandable that someone could think that some of their songs were by Foriegner...or maybe Cheap Trick. It does kind of sound like them, but its Bad Company. Look it up if you dont believe me. Anyway, they aren't good songs. They suck shit, actually. Still, when the concert ends, you're all "all those shitty songs...they were Bad Company all along...I never knew". All those shitty posts...you'll recognize them when you see them...that's Rustshack.

So Rustshack is just your skinny, geeky kid right out of central casting. He got the zits and the glasses, and the floodwater pants and the whole bit. He tries to go goth and be all dark and mad at the world, but he just looks like a pasty queer. He's dressed up as a vampire every Halloween since he was an eighth grader in 1999. Then, when vampire movies got popular, he got pissed off because everyone else dressed up like vampires for Halloween looked cooler than him. Seriously, Rusty...you were trying for Edward from Twilight, but people were getting Count Chocula from Kellogg's. So he would cry like a bitch, and the other kids would make fun of him. He thought about hanging himself but decided against it because vampires can't die from that. So he went to one of the other vampire/goth kids the next day for advice, they told him that he had to think of something even worse, so he went to Iowa State. (Look, not all of these jokes are going to be gems.)

So, anyway, **** you, Rustshack. Iowa State sucks. Steele Jantz sucks. Paul Rhodes sucks. Frazod is fat. Larry Eustachy is awesome for sucking down cool ones from cans with pull-tabs with hot skanks at Mizzou. You suck.

Pros: Isn't a KU fan. Isn't bothered by the fact that Top Gun was laced with latent homosexuality...he appreciates it for what it was...a pretty kickass movie that doesn't need me to defend it from YOU.

Cons: If he did hang himself, he could easily be mistaken for a flaccid penis dangling from a string if the person who was looking at him was kind of far away...or was close by but wasn't wearing their necessary prescription glasses or something. Probably knows enough about computers to track me down in real life if he took this the wrong way and decided to smear goat's blood on my door (or whatever the **** renaissance festivaly people do whenever they want to convey disapproval).

Outlook for Rustshack in 2014: Everyone will forget who he is again. Years from now, people will still talk about the time Dave got a DUI on the way home from that Foreigner concert.

Outlook for the Cylcones in 2014: Somewhere in the 5-7 to 7-5 range. Just like they are every year.

LMAO

Heh. Funny. Not great, just OK. I don't like music jokes.

I was somewhat confused by Bad Company being attributed to "Juke Box Hero", but oh well.

Lol, this was a good one. Glad Rustshack was acknowledged/roasted. You explained it perfectly in your first line. I am just glad someone besides me has noticed him....no one ever seems to acknowledge him. Haha, I like him, he's good shit.

He always sticks out to me for a few reasons. Of course, the Iowa State thing...The Cyclones are cool, I've liked some of their wrestlers they've produced. When Iowa State and Iowa play in football, I'm apathetic (ND fan)...In fact, sometimes I catch myself leaning towards Iowa State because I like their colors more than the Hawks...they resemble the Chiefs, slightly.

Every time I notice him on here, I think about that Steele Jantz thread he created. Haha, good ol' Steel Jantz. I won't lie, that dude was MONEY vs. Iowa a couple years ago. He basically carried the Cyclones over the Hawks in OT in that game. That thread cracked me up though.

He also sticks out to me because of his signature on here. The "Follow This Guy On Twitter." ROFL

To be honest, (and I know I will be alone here) this roast is my favorite out of all of them so far. Including the Hootie ones. Call me crazy, but this roast hit the spot for me. Lol, well done.

Mostly it's just hard to roast a boring ****ing poster like RustShack. He should be honored he's even being considered worthy of a roast.

I just realized the direction I'm going in your roast that I will never get to because these will be worn out long before then. It will blow your ****ing mind, and nobody will see the plot twist coming.

Saul Good is killing it. Keep it up.

Thank you. When you're drunk, high, and blessed with a larger than average sized penis, writing roasts is easy.


(Truth be told, I'm only two of those things.)

Just keep writing while you're drunk and high. HYUK HYUK

LMAOLMAO Nice ending.

And a mighty big bag I am.

Okay I need help with the superfans. I recognize the x factor and of course stevieray, but who else is in that picture?

Loud Dude, Arrow Dude, Vintage Dude, and some other dude.

LMAO And he WILL BE honored. That's what makes it even funnier to me. Haha, I know he's been frequenting this thread. Just yesterday he stopped by and said something like, "so can someone please do the top 10?" or something. I got the vibe that he has just been ITCHING to be acknowledge, mentioned and/or roasted in this thread.

Haha, I like RustShack, he's funny to me. He's good shit, IMO.

My interest was more in the dude on the far right. Not sure if he's considered a superfan or not

Please don't incorporate the hootie ranking system used in futility by frazod during the hootie rankings

It just doesn't have any meaning with Saul good.

Perhaps change it to goodies.

What's up with the Frazod fat jokes in every roast? Seems like a hateful vendetta, which it is.

I think he's called retrofan. Pretty nice guy. I don't know if this group of superfans has an official role call or how you get added to the list but I've seen retro fan's likeness placed on a Superfans handpainted charity football so I'd imagine he's considered as part of the group.

Hell, I don't even care anymore. LMAO

These are really entertaining. Saul's much better at this than Hootie.