I thought only girls did the "and I was like" thing.

By all means. Play on.

I think my favorite part of the table video is when I'm using the leg as a penis and ex tries to stop me and I instinctively swat her arm away

I was at 'my bar' recently...

and my friend told me I had to retire this line

so I was super in with this girl....like totally in

eating up everything I said

so naturally, I bust out the following line:

"So I was charged with rape once..."

shocked reaction

"oh but don't worry, I was acquitted."

Another word was not said between us.

I don't want to get patronizing on you or anything... but I will:

You're already, by your own admission, heading into the creepy older dude who hangs around with young people realm. It's still working for you, but there's going to come a point where it won't work anymore and you'll truly be the creepy older dude who still thinks he's 21.

I have quite a few friends (many of them who are musicians) who worked this route for quite a few years (I'll confess I was sometimes jealous of them, because they were living fun, carefree lives and often with young, hot chicks) ... but now they're in their mid to late 30s, and they're pretty pathetic.

They work odd jobs, have zero professional experience, and no women in their peer group who are worth dating are very interested in them. They've also passed the age of being appealing to the younger chicks. Most of them now have substance abuse (alcohol or other things) issues and just seem live a pretty sad existence.

It sounds like you're heading in the right direction with your work and such, but just have a little bit of thought about planning for the long term.

Not really. I do find some of your stuff funny, but you may have run out of material.

This is funny.

Because I tell my roommate the same thing (who is in a serious relationship and jealous of my absolute freedom.)

I had a meltdown when I turned 28. I said, and I quote:

"Dude, 27 was bad enough. 28? These girls are going to start hearing my age and just freaking out. I literally have like 1.5 years left before I have to grow up because 22 year olds will only go so far."

I mean. The chant at my ex's was consistently 27! 27! 27! When her younger sister was over with all of the 19 year olds some of them were legitimately creeped out. People couldn't believe I was 27.

I just have SO MUCH more fun with that age group. The current girl I'm "seeing" is...you guessed it. 22.

The line I generally have to use is this:

"OMG YOU'RE 28!?!"

Yeah. Hey. Question? How old is your mom?

"45."

Oh. Cool. How old is your dad?

"52."

Oh. Ok.

Usually goes right over their head.

A lot of times I do the "hey when I'm 90 you'll be 85."

That's effective.

Yeah, wiping boogers on her arm in front of her parents isn't amusing. Banging her in a hottub in front of her parents and yours would be.

I am never out of material. I have a new story every week. That's what happens when you drink Tuesday-Sunday.

I still can't figure out why my degenerative ways effect so many people on this board.

I'm a realist. I realize I'm ridiculous. I realize I have sociopathic tendencies. Doesn't effect anyone on this website other than yours truly.

It's not that it was funny.

It's that it was so ridiculous it's sad. An impression maker, I am.

Here is an excerpt from a study about nose bleeds and alcohol consumption. Since you "have no idea why":

Arterial nose bleeds in adults are serious and potentially life threatening whose cause is undertermined in 85% of cases.3 Our finding that alcohol is an important causal factor in nose bleeds is supported by the growing evidence of the cardiovascular ad cardiorespiratory effects of alcohol. Regular alcohol consumption reduces platelet aggregation and prolongs the bleeding time; these effects, coupled with haemodynamic changes such as vasodilatation and changes in blood pressure, may be important in causing some cases of arterial nose bleeds in adults.4,5 While the cause of nose bleeds in adults is likely to be multifactorial, the importance of high alcohol consumption should not be overlooked, and a detailed alcohol history should always be obtained.


You're funny.

Interesting. Thanks.

Ah! Enlightening.

When I was 23 I bet a girl I could black myself 31 days in a row (I won.)

After this I noticed I would wake up and spit up a bunch of blood. I realized this wasn't healthy.

I went to the doctor and she was like..."well tell me about your drinking habits."

To which I explained that I, well, drink...a lot.

She then proceeded to hand me a bunch of pamphlets and told me to stop drinking.

I went to a wedding that night, got obliterated, spit up a bunch of blood in the morning, and banged a co-worker.

RESPONSIBLE, I AM

You're absolutely right that your degenerative ways effect nobody on this board and you are free to act however you wish, but you aren't a realist. You are self-aware in that you realize that your actions are not considered normal, but that doesn't make you a realist. Realists aren't raging alcoholics because alcohol is an escape from reality.

I call it my 3 beer trigger.

I LEGITIMATELY do not want to drink most nights. I hate it. I don't really even like beer that much.

but, I've learned, I have a 3 beer trigger.

I have to gag down 36 ounces of beer...but after that 3rd beer...all of the sudden, no matter how terrible I felt, I start to feel really good.

I can be sick, I can be hungover, anything...

after 3 beers...a triggering occurs. And I'm ready for anything.

I love my 3 beer trigger.