So analogy time.

What if homers were coffees?

You'd have your standard cup of nice hot black coffee in BCD/BigChiefDave/one of the overweight assholes of Fate in the True Fan gif. Apart from all the different blends you can discern between, he's Joe Everyman coffee. You can always count on him for an apology for one of the franchise's decisions they've made recently. Doesn't matter the time of day. Or the QB. Or the soft bitch pussy cum gargler of a LT one selects at #1 overall. He'll always be there.

On the other hand, you've got BARRYSKOOLAID as a shot of espresso. His homerism is abrasive and extremely shocking and jarring. While BCD goes down easy among most unsuspecting people, I don't know that many fans who ever enjoyed reading the shit he wrote or podcasted about except if they hate themselves and love tweaking bitter people.

Chief Roundup would be an iced coffee with sugar and shit in it. You can drink an iced coffee and appreciate the bitterness in the taste without having to get used to it. It's still got that gross coffee aftertaste; you know, the one that's like "How can we judge any of our QBs when our offensive line is only top 15-20? There's no way we should expect any QB to succeed when our line just isn't necessarily bad, but it's not good!" It's got that kind of flavor, but you can read it without wanting to put an axe through your internet device. Sometimes he even talks sense.

I'm pretty sure that's only when he's smoking pot, though. Which is all the time.

http://www.thefrisky.com/wp-content/...y_boo_boo7.gif

Look, just shut up about the too fat thing, okay? It's not funny anymore, and I'm tired of people impulsively attaching it to the ends of posts of mine that they quote.

I really have great ideas that I want to share with you all, but I can never get real conversations started because everybody always replies with "too fat lol!" And people still laugh and high five each other when that happens! For crying out loud, the fat girl conversation is YEARS old at this point.

The real truth is I've been lying. I've never porked a chick lighter than 150 lbs in my life. Why? It's obvious-- in Omaha there exists no woman who is not obese. It's true. The best you can do is to hope she wouldn't tip the scale when weighed against frazod. That's right. 300 pounds. Against my worst enemies, I wish that their families would get raped by my girlfriend at the time. I actually ****ing love that shit. I eat it up.

So there. No chick is too fat for me. Drop the jokes, please.

Now let's talk about the Chiefs. The cheerleaders sure look great, don't they?

http://i1262.photobucket.com/albums/...psa355c524.png

Hi, I'm Silock Mclure! You might remember me from such threads I've created as "Do you have a bug out bag?," "Anyone do automated Christmas light shows?," and "knock, knock jokes." Don't remember those threads? That's probably because they're boring as ****.

Today, I'll be giving you a lesson on how to be a member of a message board since 2006 and not leave a single lasting impression. All you've got to do is spend most of your time in the Media Center promoting crappy shows such as The Michael J. Fox show, showing your wonderful taste in music by praising shitty “Jolene” covers by Miley Cyrus, or trying to unload all of your awful outdated media equipment on fellow CP'ers. You want a Mitsubishi DLP projector that I paid $1250 bucks for before realizing it was a piece of shit and a terrible purchase seeing as how I could have gotten an actual High Definition TV for less money? I'll sell it to you for $1000 if you'll just reply to one of my threads. How about a pair of discontinued Klipsch floor standing speakers that look like they're straight from the set of an 80's teen house party movie? I'll sell you mine for $400. Don't worry about the water ring stains on the wood, that's just from my protein shake glass sitting on top of it and sweating into the wood.

Yea, I said Protein shakes. I drink them because I work out, brah. I'm a crossfit pro, bud. You'd know that if your pansy ass spent any time in the Fitness thread. Do you even lift, bro? Me and my boys are throwing up weights all day, bro. You know what they say, “The best way to keep fit is humping and pumping.” Here we are stretching out after an intense leg session last week:



Just check out these numbers:



Bench - 365 max

Deadlift - 505 max

Bulgarian Split Squat - 335 max

Military - 275 max

5'11", 185

That's right, I said Bulgarian Split Squat. I bet your candy ass doesn't even know what that is, because you've never seen the inside of a gym, brah. Don’t believe those numbers? Check out this recent video of one of my home workouts:
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/Cp3NctJ53D8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

That was just a straight squat rep. My favorite exercise is just the normal bench press. Especially when my buddy LewDog spots me. He wears super baggy shorts and doesn't always wear underwear, so every once in a while I get a quick peek at Big Dick and the Twins. It's added motivation.

I’ve even got my younger brother working out:
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/WsQy54p2zQQ" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

That’s my mom at the end of the video. She doesn’t lift, but she makes the best strawberry protein shakes this side of Lee’s Summit. Don’t worry about the fish tank my brother broke, I’ve been thinking of switching to a Saltwater rig anyways.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to down a whole bag of oranges and critique peoples form in the fitness thread. Remember, “Curls for the Girls, guys. Curls for the girls!”



Side note: I'm number 69, huh?
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/XHt9bdW1lqg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

How in the **** did I make this list? I've posted only 1300 times in over 12 years. Seriously, how in the **** did I make this list?!?!?!? Putting me on this list makes about as much sense as putting users such as BushyTheBeaver, HarryParatestes, and Gary on the list. Look them up, those are actual members! You won't recognize them though. Because, like me, they have been members for years and don't post shit.

Lately, I spend most of my time on the board boring the shit out of my fellow Royal fans at a blistering pace of 0.30 posts per day. Everything in moderation has always been my motto...Well, with most things at least, but lets not re-open that chapter.

I can only guess that my place on the list is due to my sensitive and caring nature. Whether it's berating a guy for being on Chiefsplanet the day his "best friend" died, following Simply Red around and accusing him of being gay, or hanging out in the racial slur thread bashing all the indian lovers, you can rest assured I'm doing my part to make this a family community.

I don't feel the love in return, though. Anytime I post a thread asking for a bit of sympathy, I'm met with jokes and mult accusations.

Perhaps I should just kill myself.

http://i.imgur.com/5cIXXbL.gif

I'm the goddamn Sean Mannion of CP. Let's see any of you cope with my absence if/when I get injured/benched. You just won't be able to. You think the Planet isn't what it used to be back when Gaz and MrBlond roamed these parts? Do you long for Johnathan Smith throwing to Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmandzadeh? You ain't seen nothing yet until you know what life without Mannion is!

I can keep going without Markus Wheaton. And you can keep going without FAX and keg in kc as they take their periodic month-long leaves of absence. But you are about to get ****ed hard without me. You'll see.

With CP gone, will there be hope for Frosty? Nuh-uh, mother****ers.

With Frosty gone, will there be hope for CP?

Before Picard, there was Kirk.

Before Smith, there was Grbac.

And before Direckshun, there was Coogs.

That's me. Coogs. People don't realize but I at one time was THE drafturbator. Before Direckshun. Before Mecca. ****, even before voyager. I'd post all the draft shit I could find, and you bet your ****ing ass that people got pissed off about it just like they do now. Granted, the number of threads and posts I made about it pales in comparison to these other more modern draft legends, but it was a different time. Otto Graham played a different game. Jim Brown played a different game. You're a giant moron if you don't name them on a short list of the game's all-time great players. Likewise, you simply have to put me on there as well.

Regrettably, I'm just an old man trying to keep up these days. I'm like Dick Enberg trying to get people to sign up for fantasy football on CBS broadcasts while talking about the rap music that the players listen to in the locker room. At the age of 92, I'm not as active as I once was, and when I post stuff, it often gets swallowed up amidst all these advanced metric threads and tubgirl discussions. There's still room for me, but people are more and more letting me slide into the philfree category of senility and rambling incoherency. If I ever turn into a huge prick like milkman, maybe people will pay attention to me. Until then, I'm just going to keep chugging along until I fail my eye test at the DMV and get my license taken away.

http://i.imgur.com/i5dio.gif

Okay, I'm going to say a few things about Cannibal, but most of this roast is going to be directed at the listmaker. A few things have to be said here.

Cannibal's been here since the very beginning of this forum, but my first remembered interaction with him came a few years ago. I could have sworn that back when I posted on the OrangeMange there was a dude named Cannibal, so I started ripping on Denver around him. Turns out he's actually a Chiefs fan. Who would have known? I certainly didn't, because he was just that non-descript.

I'm pretty sure the thing Cannibal is most known for is a period of about 6 or 7 months some time ago when he was a semi-active poster in the DC forum. He's pretty liberal, so I think he got frustrated and stopped going there. Since then, I'm not really sure what he posts any more, but he doesn't do it very often. He's largely regarded as a nice guy, but I think that's all that most people have to really say about him. So I guess 8900 posts not-so-memorable posts in nearly 14 years is enough for a 65 ranking.

Okay, now the other business. The listmaker has put this guy above some really really juicy names. Penn Jillette, the conspiracy nut John the Baptist of SOC? DaKCMan AP, who has only put up more than a decade of consistent, quality football discussion even when propped up by his weird "awesome" quirk? Salame is the last of the ****ing weirdos, and he only gets a 94? Rico? MOTHER ****ING RICO!!! Cannibal is at least 20 spots higher than all of these guys?

What the ****ing ****? At least TRY to work with some consistency, here! If that's a "best of AS OF 2014" list, then the PPD stat should have a much stronger bearing to balance out strong n00bs and CP legends. If it's just a best posters list of the past year 2014, then put some dudes on the list who have written something besides, "That Chiefs playoff loss sucked. I like Alex Smith and Andy Reid."

There isn't much of a method to making the list. I get that. I know that there can't be. But this is insane. At least go through a couple complete drafts before you decide on some names to put up here.

http://www.facetheperil.com/blog/wp-...ex-jones-o.gif

Just a few months ago somebody said Eric Fisher was a bust, and nobody challenged him on the absurdity of that statement. The injustice that is being done to common fans on Chiefs Planet who just want to have a good time watching Chiefs football is terrible. It's obvious that this anti-Chiefs bend in the conversation is controlled by the interests Clayton W. (name withheld) and the Kansas City illuminati known as Rich Gannon's Lazy Eye. I haven't yet figured out what role he plays in the organization, but he is clearly trying to avert peoples' attention away from the Chiefs and onto himself to make him feel better about his 30-year old self living in his mom's basement. The Lazy Eye is secretly behind all of the Chiefs' failures since Marty got fired in order to produce an unstable fanbase ripe for pseudo anarchical revolution, after which the Eyeball takes control of all official existing local factions, including the Kansas City Chiefs. It is then that they will exert their Manchurian influence onto Clark and draft nothing but QBs in the first round for the next 30 years. These evil assholes must be stopped.

I would prove it, but Clayton would probably send the Lazy Eye's henchmen after me, namely SNR and htismaqe, the roastmasters of this very thread. How ironic that the two people given the majority task of roasting the supposed "Top 101 posters" of CP are vicious poison-spewing QB table-pounding drafturbators? Why not give the job to Marcellus? Or even an even-keeled moderate like Rain Man? I told you all about this change in CP years ago ever since the radical drafturbators took power against the will of the forum and her people. Nobody listened to me, though. Nobody ever listens to me. Well, the time's approaching now. You better get your wits about you, lest you turn into a mindless zombie that follows these people around like PGM. This very roast thread is nothing more than an attempt at shaming good, righteous, moral Chiefs fans and converting them to neo-Meccan anti-Hunt pessimism that makes unwarranted jokes about Alex Smith's penis size. :deevee:

Here's something to consider briefly. The shortest verse in the KJV Bible is "Jesus wept." When does that occur? Just before he brings an individual back to life. Lazarus. He brings Lazarus back to life. Know that when I also weep and bring dead arguments back to life, I'm not doing it to be a pussy. I'm doing it to save you all and this forum I love so dearly.

http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/8045...l-sullivan.jpg

I think if Chiefs Planet were around 60 years ago, burt would have been one of the coolest posters. If I remember correctly from what he's told me while piss shit drunk, that would put him at the beginning of his long and proud boxing career. I'm also pretty sure he would have been volunteering at that time as a person who goes around punching Nazis in the face. A real ****ing badass.

However, life is cruel, and it has long ago forced burt to relinquish the sweetness of youth in exchange for the rancid fart smell of fatness, old age, and senility. And too much bathtub moonshine has only sped up the transformation into the product you see today.

But don't tell burt. He knows that unlike other posters on here, he was alive during the McKinley administration. He can remember a time when a stylish zoot suit and an honorable reputation could get you into the finest of speakeasies in town. He's got the strength of character that may as well be considered extinct to those young whipper snapper baby boomers. And if he just needs a stiff drink (or twelve) to get himself revved up to teach those hooligans a lesson in manners, well, that's just what he'll do. That's the great part about being an alcoholic-- any reason is good enough to have a drink.

Just let burt believe he's still got the strength, quickness, and mental fortitude to beat the shit out of anybody on here. We may not have to deal with it much longer. Maybe when Dane comes back, we can tell him to man up and put his great-grandfather in the nursing home

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-62mQNSHZaB...00/500full.jpg

Did you know that in Japanese culture, the stereotypical image a gay man isn't the scrawny, flamboyant, glittery guy but the body-builder types who are obsessed with "dirty work" at the gym and who don't wear shirts in public?

Good thing I don't live in Japan.

I'm a pretty big name in the California Douchebag Coalition on this forum. The original, you might say. Before Dane got here, I was the one telling people what they were doing wrong. I told people that their lifestyles sucked compared to that of the California personal trainer. I've been here so long that there is bound to exist a post on here where I agree with head coach Gunther Cunningham on the sleeveless look for players.

I'm not around much anymore, possibly because Silock has since trumped me on the scale of Japanese gayness. Either that, or it's to protect myself from all the autism out there caused by vaccinations

http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb2...s/f/f5/Lsd.gif

J Diddy's a really nice guy. To be honest, I don't think I have the heart to roast him. That's okay, because neither does he.

In the last couple of years he started to pick up his posting frequency dramatically, which is probably the reason why he's on this list in the first place. And even then I wasn't paying too much attention because it was usually about how life is beautiful or some shit like that. I think I recall him saying he did a lot of drugs decades ago? That makes sense to me, so I'm going to roll with that. It might also explain why he reveres Dick Bull so much. Together, they obviously fought a lot of dragons in rainbow chariots back in the day.

J Diddy also seems to care a lot about people on here. He's more likely to post a "How are you doing?" thread than he is something about football. There's a history of that happening to a lot of people who get busy and popular on the night crew-- JOhn, luv, beerme, etc. The difference between J Diddy and those guys, however, is that J Diddy actually knows how to form basic grammatically-correct sentences in English. Actually, now that I'm looking at that list, there appears to be a correlation with being the star of night crew Chiefs Planet and disappearing from the Planet for enormous chunks of time. Let that serve as a warning to you, rico.

So light one up for J Diddy tonight. Because if you don't, he'll probably smoke it for you.

http://torontorealtyblog.com/wp-cont...onsCatLady.jpg

Ten Things About Today's Roast

10. Having a moral center and a sense of ethics is good. Taking up a cause in the name of that sense of ethics is good. Posting annoying shit about a baby deer that got shot in the mouth at a cemetery is bad.

9. I think I've heard gblowfish threaten to cancel his season tickets like 84 times now. As far as I know, he still hasn't done it yet.

8. Did you guys hear about that weird lady in Michigan that passed out dildos to children on Halloween?!

7. Consider gblowfish CP's own PSA-generator. Remember to stay safe, be kind to animals, and conserve water. That's right, conserve water. If it's brown, flush it down, but if it's yellow, it's mellow.

6. Have you ever been told by a Chiefs head coach via sign language to go **** yourself. If not, try being a smarmy annoying old fart, and you too can live the dream!

5. Just so you know, this Sunday it's the 112th Anniversary of the time Billy the Kid took a shit in the St. Joseph mayor's mouth. Reflect, remember, and learn from this national tragedy. It's NEVER okay to shit in somebody's mouth!

4. Update: Gblowfish and his wife were sitting on the porch when another stray cat wandered up to them. They gave the cat some food, and what do you know? THE CAT ****ING CAME BACK!

3. Gblowfish is actually a pretty good football poster. He's good at being critical of the Chiefs while maintaining a sense of perspective about the culture of Chiefs fans. You could say he's the ambassador of BigChiefDave and the other fatass mulletheads in the true fan gif to the harsh sharp-tongued posters on Chiefs Planet.

2. What the flying **** is gblowfish's avatar? Something from one of those claymation Christmas specials from the 1940s? Christ, that thing could be the focal point of a David Bowie music video.

1. Okay, we can give gblowfish a lot of sass about the shit that he posts. But we should be more considerate. Cats don't make very responsive conversation partners, so when your old retired ass hangs out on Chiefs Planet all day, it's sometimes tough to gauge what humans talk about.

http://cdn.laxallstars.com/wp-conten...0/rex_ryan.jpg

I've mentioned before how much lcarus sucks for his name. So we'll just leave things at that.

lcarus is one of the more easygoing posters out there. He reminds me of a younger keg in kc, complete with relationship problems, nerd obsessions, and a healthy dose of self-deprecating humor when it comes to his weight.

He's willing to try anything once-- feet, looning, weird doughnut flavors, you name it.

And he takes it all in stride. You can't make fun of this guy. He'll make any joke about himself hurt twice as hard before you even have a chance to crack about his old Ecto Cooler avatar. That's kind of shitty, but it also commands respect. For all we know he could be really into having sex with paraplegics, and as long as he still had his sense of humor, nobody would even bother giving him shit. In fact, go ahead and add it to the list and see what happens.

Nah, we can't do that. That's not fair to just make shit up about lcarus and then attach that label to him.

I'm pretty sure lcarus isn't very adventurous when it comes to odd flavors of doughnuts.

http://teensleuth.com/newlibrary/wp-...h772504zr4.jpg

A CHIEFS PLANET EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH DONGER!

SNR: Donger, thanks for being here, tonight! We all greatly appreciate it.

Donger: You're welcome.

S: Now, you're originally from the UK, yes? What would you say is the underlying cultural message purported by American media when they constantly cast British actors as villains?

D: Hmm?

S: You're British, yes?

D: I'm American.

S: But you grew up in the UK?

D: Yes.

S: You've seen good guy/bad guy movies before, yes? A couple of them?

D: Yes.

S: Have you noticed the trend of villains in these movies being played by British actors?

D: No.

S: Well, there is. And I was wondering if you had an opinion on that.

D: I really haven't noticed or thought about that sort of thing.

S: Can you at least hypothetically imagine the American movie industry creating that sort of trend in action movies? Then can you speculate using your experiences as a British-born person currently living in America as an American citizen why that might be the case?

D: Why?

S: It's part of the interview. That's a question I chose to ask because I thought it would be interesting. I thought it would reveal some things about who you are as a person. That's the purpose of this interview.

D: Okay.

S: So what about bad guys in American films being played by British actors?

D: I don't know. You'll have to ask them. I'm not an actor, nor am I British.

S: Oh for ****'s sake. Let's just move on. You're famous for your legendary feud with chiefs4me. Can you explain to people more about that and why she frustrated you so much?

D: I never had a problem with chiefs4me.

S: What? I saw you get upset with her at times. You called her names.

D: I did? Link?

S: I'm not going to waste time searching for one. I know you did.

D: Okay.

S: So you've got nothing?

D: I'm not sure what you're asking.

S: Why did you get so angry with chiefs4me all the time?

D: I was angry with her?

S: Yes, you were.

D: I don't recall that ever happening.

S: Again, moving on. You've been ranked #58 on the list of Chiefs Planet's Top 101 Posters. How do you feel about that ranking?

D: It's fine.

S: You don't think you should be higher or lower?

D: Should I?

S: Yes. I think you should try to advance the conversation a bit by answering the questions. That's the entire purpose of an interview, wouldn't you say?

D: Sure, that's fair. What do you want to know?

S: I want to know if you would care to share your opinion on your #58 ranking.

D: No, I don't care.

S: And that's it. Thank you and good night, Chiefs Planet!