I can't help you with the first part, but I suggest a QWERTY keyboard on your new phone. :-)

I keep seeing that when I look at new phones. I should look up exactly what it is.

I don't know how to text. I hope nobody teaches me.

No, I don't sit there and conduct a complete conversation via text. Just vital info. The whole point is if I don't know you well (and I want to) I'll talk to you in person, not over the phone. If I've already been on a date with you I prob know you well enough to call, not text.

where every letter has a key, like a keyboard. No hitting 4 a whole bunch of times just to get the letter I

It's a normal keyboard. Look at the top-left six characters on your keyboard. Q-W-E-R-T-Y.

It's just enough contact to make them crave more.

Wow, I've heard about turning a woman into a lesbian, but apparently I've gone a step beyond and turned you into a teenage boy. 'cause you know there's a "clit" and it starts somewhere below the neck, but after that it's just a grope in the dark.

Since you don't text, you get a pass for not realizing this, but many (most? all?) regular keypad phones have an alternative texting mode called T9 or predictive texting instead of the multi-tap technique. You hit the appropriate key (e.g. "4" for the letter I) and your phone will guess which of the three or four possible letters that you really want to use. As you type a second and a third letter for your word, the "guess" for each of the letters gets better and by the time you're done typing the word the prediction is usually pretty accurate. In a word of reasonable length, like the word "length", the predictive capability is damned good. Over time, your usage patterns are taken into account and words that you use a lot will be more likely to be predicted. In shorter words like "on" or "no" which would share the same keystrokes, "66", you may have to select the less common choice after typing in the two keystrokes, but overall it's a very fast and efficient way to generate text messages.

Faster Texting with T9

I've tried that, but I've gotten so used to multi-tap, that it's faster for me that way.

patteeu's phone is a either a precursor to skynet or a cylon

Meow, dahling.

T9 and I don't get along.

I type everything all out. No slang. No shortcuts. But not cuz I'm not lazy, just cuz I think it makes people look like idiots.

The hair helps.

Once you get used to it, it's really a lot faster. If you can get used to multi-tap, you can get used to T9 and it won't be such a burden to carry on a texting conversation, although I do agree with you that at some point a phone call is so much simpler.