Haha, well FWIW (eat shit tl;dr police):
Hootie (2nd Attempt)
You moody, dramatic, prima-donna, whiney, little he-bitch.
* You are so gay (NTTAWWT). You have the CP username of an owl. You have the physique of an emu. You have a man-crush on a Seahawk (Russel Wilson). You are fruitier than the toucan on the Fruit Loops box. You have a tendency to grab cocks and brag about it on CP. To top things off, you are so light in the loafers that you are basically flying. I think the evidence is staggering. Hootie, you clearly are a man for the birds.
* Hootie is known to have a lot of "haters" on CP. He is also known to have had his share of homosexual encounters. Haters...homos....Hootie. H.H.H. TRIPLE H! Any connection to the WWE wrassler? If there is a connection, please do us ALL a favor and grab his penis and try to make out with him the next time you see him. In other words, do many of us a favor and kill yourself, Hootie. For the love of God, Hootie, if you love the members of CP as much as you claimed in your infamous womanifesto, then please off yourself so we don't have to read anymore roarin' from ROR about how you are on the path to doing so anyways...with your excessive drinking and all. And if you don't do it for us, do it for ROR, man. Stop being a selfish little prick and make ROR's wildest wishes and wet dreams come true. Will you go to hell? Yeah... probably. As I stated in my first "roast," it seems as if one of your biggest haters on this board is a user named, "luv" and considering that the name, "luv," implies "love," and Jesus is the poster boy for love, then Jesus hates you, which makes your chances of entry to heaven very, very slim, for I doubt Jesus wants to be around someone who he hates for eternity (especially if he's constantly having to swat your adulterous hands off his junk). Don't let that bother you though, Hootie. Hell won't be so bad. Darth Carl Satan will make sure your time spent in hell is enjoyable. He will take nice, nice care of you. He will be your sweet daddy...of hate.
* Hootie is notorious for his back and forth battles with a moderator named Phobia aka Phil. I remember first noticing these exchanges and thinking, "holy shit, along with sticking things up his ass, Hootie likes to stick it to the man!!!" However, recent statements made by Hootie to Phobia, such as, "you leave me alone, I'll pretend you no longer exist" and "let's truce it, you don't mention me or post about me, I don't mention you or post about you" made me realize that my initial thoughts of Hootie "sticking it to the man" were far from correct. In fact, he seems desperate to avoid Phobia at this point. Hootie has developed a phobia of Phobia. He is Phobiaphobic...and Dr. Phil refuses to help his sorry ass. What kind of weak, timid person develops an irrational fear of irrational fears? Seriously?
http://cdn.hark.com/images/000/739/4...link_large.jpg
A little bitch, that's who.
* Hootie recently mentioned moving from Dallas to Champaign. Which is ironic, for I can just imagine Clay and Hootie, drinking champagne and watching reruns of Dallas and having a gay old time together. Hootie of course, resting his champagne glass on this new “gym rat” version of Clay’s buns, while Clay simultaneously does push-ups, dreams of the day he receives his first vote on exploremodeling.com and works on his new Matt Cassel manifesto during commercial breaks. Some Hootie haters have claimes that Hootie is infatuated with Clay. Honestly, I can see it. In fact, I think it's gotten to the point where it has become borderline ridiculous. This claim is supported by Hootie's obsession with calling out Frazod for being fat. It has become clear to every member of CP that the formerly obese Clay has become a gym rat and now seems to possess a genuine hatred towards obese/fat people. No one can convince me that Hootie's obsessive rants of disgust in Frazod's weight aren't a direct result of him wanting to be like Clay, by hating on fat people. They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. And 8 years ago, who the **** would have guessed that Hootie would become more fattery than Clay. With a beer-gut, just itching to catch up with him at age 28, it makes me wonder who else Hootie will "out-fat" 8 years from now? My guess is that Frazod is a possibility.
* Speaking of the show, "Dallas," and Hootie's time he spent living in the city, I bet when Hootie left Dallas, people weren't scratching their heads asking each other, "who shot Hootie?" If someone shot Hootie, no one from Dallas would give a shit. In fact, I assume they'd expect it. They'd be thinking, "well, it was bound to happen by some teenage girl's pissed off father anyways." If Hootie's friends from Dallas were under the impression that Hootie vanished because he died, I bet the real question on their minds is, "who ****ed him up the ass to give him the AIDS that probably killed him?" And they wouldn't be wondering because they were concerned with Hootie's well-being, but for their own safety because they want to make sure they don’t take it up the ass from that dude themselves...remember, these are in fact, Hootie's friends I am referring to. They all take it in the ass. He said it himself that his high school graduating class was “the gay class.” NTTAWWT.
* Hootie is developmentally disabled. The last I knew, “developmentally disabled” was considered the preferred nomenclature for “reeruned.” (I genuinely do prefer using the preferred nomenclature). Over the years, Hootie has said some extremely offensive shit which has, on many occasions, been very hurtful to other CP members. However, any time someone confronts him of his past or present offensive statements, he immediately resorts to redirecting the blame to Dane in an attempt to justify his own actions. He references one statement made by Dane in particular. Dane apparently referred to someone who is a father of a child with special needs as a “reerun breeder.” Therefore, whenever Hootie is threatened with another ban due to something he said, he immediately resorts to saying, “Dane called someone a reerun-breeder!” And he doesn’t get off of it. He obsesses with that statement to justify his own actions. He is ****ing fixated with it. After a while, I began wondering why the hell he was so fixated on this one statement (in a forum that is literally an cesspool of ongoing offensive statements) and it became clear to me. Hootie is so offended and fixated with Dane’s “reerun-breeder” statement because his own parents are “reerun-breeders.” I understand, I would personally be little upset if someone referred to my mother as “fat.” So I can understand Hootie being distraught over his parents indirectly being referred to as “reerun breeders” because of his own conception and birth. My thoughts on this were confirmed a couple days ago when Hootie posted a video of himself falling on a table and breaking it, followed by him beating the shit out of the table with one of the legs. His form, while beating the table with the leg, brought me right back to an evening where I chaperoned a Special Olympics softball practice 2 summers ago. A guy struck out due to not swinging at a pitch that hit home plate. He proceeded to throw a fit by attacking home plate with his baseball bat because he said “the plate moved” while the ball was pitched to him. While beating the shit out of home plate with his bat, his form looked exactly like Hootie beating the shit out of that table with the leg. Mirror freaking images of each other. This dude was the captain of the blue team. Due to disciplinary reasons, we had to find a new captain. This was a difficult task, for no one else on the team wanted to take his place. Damn it, if only Hootie would have been there, I’m sure he would have jumped at the opportunity to be captain. Captain Tasty Cheeks leading the blue team to victory!
* Pros: Texansplanet. I fully expect Hootie to eventually banter his way to "bant" status. And when that happens, Texansplanet may finally take off. Why is this a good thing? Well, when the Chiefs begin pursuing Matt Schaub as their QBOTF in a couple years, it will be convenient to check in to that site to see what the Texan fans have to say about the guy. (Hootie is not really developmentally disabled. Hootie is also funny sometimes, brings a lot to the board and has a unique mindset regarding football. Not to mention, he likes the movie “Baseketball,” which is a criminally underrated movie).
* Cons: Texansplanet. The loss of Hootie could potentially be a catastrophic loss for our beloved Chiefsplanet in terms of traffic and quality of posters. We all know that love him or hate him, Hootie is good for website traffic flow. Hootie has an abundance of both fanboys and haters. The majority of his fanboys MIGHT follow him to Texansplanet and his loyal haters, such as; J Diddy, Frazod, Donger, etc will SURELY follow him there and make that site their new home. That is an awful thought. I mean, honestly…how the **** will CP manage to survive a catastrophe as serious as losing Donger to Texansplanet? Donger is the driving force behind Chiefsplanet with his infinite wisdom, friendly demeanor, elaborate posts, anti-trolling stance and amazing football knowledge. I shudder at that thought.
* Outlook for the future: A permaban that lasts 6 months. A new womanifesto where we have to sift through the redundant “Dane” finger-pointing to justify his own actions which resulted in his banning.
Also, a bunch of H's, for Hootie, that are likely to be prevalent in his future. In the future, Hootie will be: Hootie-style man-whoring
; harassing Hugh Hefner
; Herbie hand-cockin’ his hot dog to Hamas’s posts
; hand-hockeying to Hustler
; handling his ham
; wipin’ hash-marks off his panty-hose
; humpty dancin’ with heavy hippo-lookin’ chicks
; happy-dancin’ with horse-cocks
; hershey-squirtin’ on the chests of hefty heffers
; hog-squirtin’ with Hog Farmer
; hacking hairballs from huffing the hairy, hog-warty hoo-has of homeless hoes
; humpin’ hoochie-mamas
; hustlin’ hobos for their Hamm’s beer
; heiling Hitler to heebs during Hanukkah
; gettin’ hammered and hungover off Hennessey
; a habitual offender doin' hard time
; hunted by haters
; hip-hurting the hipsters (way to go, Hootie)
; honking on hag-nipply hooters
; receiving hummers from homos (NTTAWWT)
; receiving hand-jobs from hoodrats
; receiving head from horny whores
; engaging in hiney-sex with hemorrhoid-infested he-bitches
; hooking up with hookers
; hoarding STD’s such as HPV, herpes and HIV
; having heart complications
; denied from heaven and hell-bound to hang with Hate (Sweet Daddy style).
