Are you having an affair with a squirrel?

Why just today, my husbandly duties included disposing of a squirrel carcass that suddenly appeared in the backyard. It looked fairly healthy, other than his lower jaw being missing.

There is a squirrel assassin out there.

Are they for hire?

Sounds like someone in your neighborhood is setting out Mentos for the squirrels and someone else is setting out Pepsi.

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Wow.

We had a mouse problem in the dorm at Drury. Bastard would get to your food wherever it was. They wouldn’t do anything about it.

I moved the head of my bed towards the built in desk, laid a trail of donut crumbs to the edge, which led them to jump into a metal trash can where they were incinerated with a can of Right Guard and a lighter.

Then they were crucified on popsicle sticks from the dining hall and displayed on the landing between floors 1 and 2.

After I hung about 50 of the ****ers, they addressed the problem.

Lighting your own farts while doing rodent assplay?

You just moved yourself one tick closer to the Jeffrey Dahmer side of the graph.

If you have a spring (similar to the one on those infant johnny jump up toys) and attach a hook on the end of it, attach it to a limb with the hook on the bottom. Crab an ear of deer corn stick it on the hook and watch the squirrels get it.

What was I supposed to do? The thing was stunned, not dead. I wasn't about to reach over and grab it and have it risk biting me or something. So I emptied the rest of a bottle of hand sanitizer over it's head. I think the shock paralyzed it further. Funny thing about hand sanitizer. It's HIGHLY flammable. It's an even better firestarter than lighter fluid. And I emptied that WHOLE bottle onto the ****ing thing. It was drenched like a sewer rat. Grabbed the box of matches nearby, skritch-skratch, and tossed the flame onto Mousey Denethor. Set a fire in his flesh. He went up like Gondor was calling for aid. But none came. His heart probably exploded because I didn't hear any screeching. The smell lingered terribly for a few days.

These things are pretty awesome. Kudos to whoever invited them.

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Anything like:
Running with the Bulls?
Herding Cats?
Shooting Fish in a Barrell?
Corralling Sheep?
Dances with Wolves?
Wrangling Horses?

I shot a squirrel just to watch him die

"I kissed a squirrel and I liked it, the taste of her acorn Chapstick." Katy the Astronaut

She needs to shut up and show her boobs.

1. Jessica Simpson
2. Katy Perry
3. AOC

Need at least one of those 3 to whip those puppies out..