it didnt show up when I typed that. now I see it

Holy shit. From the small screen of my phone, Pestilence's new avatar looks exactly like this elderly dude's penis that I had to insert a catheter into when I was in nursing school. Gross. Nursing school had it's unflattering moments.

ROFL Holy shit.

I'll take 'how the **** does one get roasted in the top 11 without the honor of BEING IN the top 11' for $500 Alex.

Ask Flopnuts and GoChiefs. They've probably fared the worst in these drive-by roastings out of anybody

Nah, I get it. CP's Tom Hagen. I'll never be made, but I have the Godfathers' ear.

;)

And by that remark, are you saying they're OUT of the top 10?

:eek:

They might be. Or they might not.

A Claynus snub would be just about the best Claynus roast I could imagine.

Has a roast ever resulted in suicide?

Dude...****ing catheters.

It wasn't until nursing school that I fully realized how much the human penis varies in appearance. The worst penis I've ever seen belonged to a dude in his 90's. He was bedridden, couldn't speak, couldn't turn over, couldn't feed himself, and his penis resembled an uncooked bratwurst in which the tip had busted open and the meaty shit inside the bratwurst was all seeping out about an inch and a half down the bratwurst shaft and became all scabby looking due to being exposed to the air. The reason this guy's penis looked this way was because a freaking catheter was inserted into his penis so freaking often. Not to mention, I think the dude had a tendency to pull and tug on it, which caused a shitload of penile irritation. And one day at during nursing school, I had to insert a catheter into this guy's penis. Holy shit, did this look like a painful task (for him).

And to top things off. I knew this ****ing guy. And I hated his freaking guts. I hadn't seen him in 25 years, but my God I knew it was him, for I recognized that stupid face of his and remembered his name like the back of my freaking hand that I still wanted to smack his stupid face with. He was the grandfather of this kid who lived down the street from me in the neighborhood I grew up in until I was 7 years old. This guy used to pick on me when I was 5-7 years old. And I'm not talking playful teasing... this guy was freaking mean to me. And I didn't understand why I was being made fun of for I am the oldest child and never had to deal with an older sibling teasing me...I wasn't on the receiving end of that shit, so I didn't know how to react to being made fun of...and even if I did, this guy still pushed it to the level of being a dickbag.

I'd venture to my friend's house and if he'd be there, he'd be like, "hey look who it is, it's stupid!" I'd be like, "my name isn't stupid, my name is rico!!!" And he'd be like, "then why you wearing that stupid hat, stupid!!!" I'd be like, "this hat isn't stupid! My mom said this hat makes me look cute! It's not stupid!!!" The hat he referred to was this adjustable yellow John Deere hat with that foamy padding in the front. Old school farmer's hat. I loved that freaking thing...and I didn't know how to wear it correctly. I always adjusted it to where it was wayyy too big for my head...covering my ears and all. But hell, I was a 5 year old boy, for Pete's sake. I didn't need some 65 year old bag of ball gravy repeatedly calling me stupid and making fun of the hat I was wearing.

And he didn't stop there. Sometimes he would walk up to me and knock my hat off my head. Sometimes he would take it and throw it. Sometimes he would take it off my head and not let me have it back...and wouldn't give it back for like 20 minutes... and I'd be jumping up and down trying to take it back from him...all while he is telling me that I look stupid, jumping around like a little dumbass.

He pulled other shit too. This asshole, on a routine basis would tell me that he either killed my pet cats/dogs or was planning on killing my pet cats/dogs...which would devastate me. Then he would call me stupid for giving a shit about my pets.

At age 5-7, I was bullied by a guy in his freaking 60's. What a low-life douchebag this man was.

I would always come home crying after encountering him. If my mom was home, she'd be all non-chaulant and be like, "oh just ignore him. He's just teasing you." My dad was/is pretty crazy, especially when it comes to his kids...just a fearless dude...wrestling coach. Anyways, at that time, he wasn't home much for he was working two full time jobs...one in the day and one in the evening...so I didn't see him much until I was 8. When I got a chance to tell him though, he would stroll right on over to their house and probably strike fear into the dude's old balls...

But the ****er still kept bullying me. We ended up moving out of that neighborhood and into the country and on a horse/hay farm. A large part of what sparked this idea was some of the douche-canoes like him who resided in our old neighborhood.

So 25 years pass and I never saw this guy again until I was in nursing school and had to insert a catheter into his rough, busted bratwurst-looking penis. I'll remember putting a catheter in him as clear as day...and always will. His penis looked awful and I knew that no matter how "out of it" he was, putting a catheter in his dried up ground-beefy penis would hurt like a sonofabitch. The empathetic side of me probably would have felt bad for him, but due to the circumstances, the empathetic side of me momentarily ceased to exist while I was preparing and in the process of inserting his catheter. I followed the clinical steps to a tee and throughout entirety of the catheter insertion process, this old bag of shit yelped and wailed. He sounded like a raspy wolf that had just been hit by a truck and was twitching and quivering while laying at the side of the road, attempting to howl at the moon. Just pathetic.

Should I feel ashamed to admit this? While this old, immobile shitbag was in a penile-pain induced stupor, howling at the moon, I coaxed him through it by saying, "it's ok, you're doing great. Just a bit more and we're done. Hang in there, buddy!" However, what I was thinking went more like, "yeah, keep howling at the moon, ****face. Who is stupid now, you busted bratwurst-penised, bullying 5 year olds, pathetic piece of shit!?!? Squeal like a pig while you are at it and stay the **** down you stupid bitch!!!"

With that said, the worst looking penis I've ever seen happened to be the recipient of the only catheter I ever actually enjoyed inserting.

**** that douchebag.

By the way... the Pestilence roast was clever as shit.

Did he ever ask for orange juice?

No, but the iodine resembled orange juice when it was spread out.

If badrico hadn't met that old mother****er before, he never would have guessed it was him.

Sounds to me like that brat-toting **** was from the future and was merely trying to curb badrico's tendency of posting shit that's too long. Tough love is tough.

Dicky McElephant-LOL only on Chiefs Planet!!

I relapsed...I hadn't gone FULL tl;dr in a while. Sorry to offend.

ROFL :Lin:

No other reply seems necessary.

LMAO

That was a great story.

Did you lean in and whisper, Tony Soprano style, that you were going to tear his mother****ing brat up?

God dammit rico.

Mrs. Pestilence?

http://i.imgur.com/l7BzS0i.jpg

Don't touch ricos hat or he will painfully touch your penis

Duly noted

I will filet your situation!!

https://i.imgur.com/Pgtkth.jpg

I wish I would have thought of that.

That may be going to my sig.

I am sorry, Jason.

1.) Dude, you got made fun of because you were a 5 year old with jacked up teeth and a mullet.

2.) Were you around to meet an ill-fated poster on here named "badgirl"? If not, please look into some of her posts and resulting epic pile-ons.

Did he hit both of them? LMAO

10. htismaqe

http://i.imgur.com/tuSQZsO.jpg?1

Parker (because I'll be ****ed if I'm going to type out that combination of letters that looks like kcnut threw up on his keyboard every time I want to mention this turd by name) doesn't deserve to be up here at all, but for some bizarre reason I really like him, so he gets a top 10 spot. Because of seniority, or whatever.

He's just so ****ing busy! Great, Parker. You're busy, we get it. It's not like everybody else has all the ****ing time in the world. I've got a job, too. Shit, it's the last weeks of class and I have papers and finals to grade. I have research obligations. I could be doing that right now, but because I'm an adult I know how to balance home, work, and Planet life like a responsible individual. I don't just go own extended leaves of absence because "really busy at my job!"

His incredible service to the forum deserves applause in some respects. Former mod. Former CP mock draft participant. Veteran of some of Chiefs Planet's (and the Star forum's) most heated and contentious battles. We say "former" in all of these cases, though. Because why? Because he was busy!

At least he took an honest shot as Roastmaster. Think of all those roasts he had to go through. 101. Can you imagine?

He clearly couldn't. Know why? Because he quit like he always ****ing does. Sheesh, dude. PGM had more motivation to do his ****ing job than you did. I know the roasts aren't very juicy at the top (I know because I've ****ing been there) but that's what separates the divisional playoff loss Marty teams from the 7-9 sad stinky disappointments. And let me tell you, brother- Carlton Gray and Chester McGlockton are NOT going to put you over the top in this one.

Parker, I wanted you to come back. The door was always open. We could have been a team. We would have been unstoppable. But you are still really busy, or some shit. Fine. Whatever. I'm good with being the King of Roasts. Maybe when you're not busy and go on splurges of 500 posts per day for 2-month stretches you can have a nice long talk with Hootie about who has more willpower to finish complicated tasks. And at least Hootie has an excuse-- he got banned.

In the meantime, I AM busy, but I still got you your roast that you deserved. Oh, and when you see your boy Carl over the holidays and give him a big wet kiss, tell him to go **** himself from me.

LMAO

Beautiful.

That was pure art. ROFL

You forgot 'in the butt.'

:D

Nice. Welp. I didn't have him in the top 11. He's been gone for months but a solid poster.

:clap:

me and THE MAQ used to have epic battles about Croyle / Huard back in the day

ROFL That last line though!

He got the one that mattered the most.

im tired of reading about the Chiefs' suckage

bump

The roastings will continue. The Chiefs can suck, but they will never suck the lifeforce out of this project

9. Rausch

http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/17jr...g/original.jpg

Rausch and I are blood brothers. We both were smarter than everyone else when it came to Todd Collins, and we fought valiantly side-by-side for many years for him to get the respect he deserved. It was a tragedy that Todd couldn't stay longer in Kansas City, but we will always remember the wonderful times when he was here.

I was just a n00b at the time. This was long before I became a drafturbator or a QB-at-all-costs table pounder, and I was a lot happier and more naive. Donk scum was donk scum. Taco John and everybody like him was a hated enemy. And the Chiefs had just passed on drafting Joey Harrington. I said, "Well, at this point the Chiefs may as well hold an open competition between Todd Collins and Trent Green," given Green's initial struggles in his first year with the team.

Rausch backed me. He was also of a similar mindset. Michigan guy. He was cool and calm in the pocket. And as we later found out, he had a fantastic taste in liquor. That was our QB right there. Rausch and I spent a lot of time talking about Todd Collins for my first couple of years on the Planet.

"I like his appearance. It's strong and powerful- a perfect image for the future," Rausch would always say.

"Yeah, I agree, Brad, he looks like he takes great care of himself in the weight room," I would reply.

After that point we were inseparable. While you morons were spending all preseason pining for Jonathan Quinn and Joe Germaine, Rausch and I already knew who our backup hero was. And we were damn proud of it.

Another thing we're both damn proud of is our German heritage. I'm 75% German and 25% Danish, so I'm familiar with a lot of the midwestern stubborn German culture that prevails in this part of the country. Rausch is the exact same way. We spend a lot of time sharing our appreciation of German culture. When Rausch found out I was a musician, all he could talk about was Wagner, especially the end of the 3rd act of Meistersinger, when the townschorus unites and declares 1000 years of prosperity for our great German art.

He taught me this great drinking song that he sings with his buddies at his local beer hall. I only have a reading knowledge of German, but it wasn't too hard to learn. The tune was pretty catchy, anyway. He told me it's called the Horst Wes-... wait, I just thought of this hilarious Rausch story!

Okay, so it was a thread about the new Albert Einstein biography by Walter Isaacson that was a bestseller back in 2008. I asked Rausch if he was going to read it, and he said, "No way. Einstein belonged in a concentration camp." I thought that was kind of bogus to say considering that Einstein was a really smart person, but then I thought again and Rausch is probably right. Einstein was probably too smart for his own good and would be thinking about relativity and shit when all he really wanted was to find his reading glasses that were placed on top of his head the entire time. All the really smart people I know have that problem with concentration. That was a pretty unique and funny observation by Rausch that I won't forget.

Lately we've got this offensive line bet going that's kind of silly. I mean, it's a quibble over whether or not the Chiefs can allow fewer than the 4th most sacks of all NFL teams. Like... even if they do get under that number, who cares? They're still awful at protection, and Alex Smith is a bozo who takes way too many sacks. I was talking to Rausch earlier this offseason about Geoff Schwartz and how we could have really used him. I got a little confused, because Rausch was like, "Eh, screw him. We don't need him and his mongrel blood flaunting his decadence of culture in our locker room."

LOL, right? Just Rausch being Rausch man. The man's really picky about the talent on his offensive line. But he's a really good dude. Totally good dude. One of my best buds on this forum.

And the man dresses like a 50 year old lesbian...he's good shit.

Rausch is like the big brother I never had.

I'd invite him to my funeral, and go to his.

Rausch has the football knowledge of a 12 year old girl. But he seems nice!!!

Burst activated

I still regret banning Rausch from my home.

Rausch is intimidating. Other than that though, I like him.

You either cleaned the carpets the day I was supposed to stop by or the day after.

Cleaning them the day of likely saved you considerable $$$...

Sure called this season Master Chief...

I always imagine him as this really big and burly lumberjack.

This is what I see when I readhis posts:

http://th03.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/...om-d70mjwl.jpg

More flannel, less size...

He's actually a cuddly teddy bear in person. But if you let him get into a car with you, you WILL be going to Arby's.

Rausch is worthy.

Is this more like it?
http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thin...l&tid=98075004

THIS! :cuss:

Update the OP again, PGM.
Oh wait, you didn't last time either

Nttawwt

Indeed. Except for his constant sticking up for bronco fans. Rausch is top notch.

Yeah, that's the Rausch we all know and love...

Damn dude, Rausch is hot.

Just want to go ahead and quote this

Rausch is a very cool drunken German... and has much luck with automobiles.

8. Bowser

http://i.imgur.com/qFuZJee.jpg?1

Bowser is a man.

Package handler by day. Package handler by night.

He's all about putting the bros over the hoes. Even his own wife and mother.

And if you can successfully remove his mouth from Bugeater's nutsack, he'll be the most loyal and friendly Chiefs forum friend you can possibly imagine. When his wife's not looking, that is.

Just like Rausch, I hear he's a fun drinking buddy, but he's a little hard to get ahold of. You might have to make an appointment with his house secretary to see if he's available to go out and play with you.

ROFL Short and sweet!

lol @ gaybowser picture

LMAO

Is it bad that I was proud of my photoshop skills for blurring out the dicks?

That is the most confusing program I know of. I can not figure that thing out. I always have great appreciation for people like Clay who are masters at using it.

layers. its all about the layers

I am ecstatic to see that Bowser made the list. He is a good one.

I am less ecstatic that the dicks were blurred out.

Shameless evening bump. Don't mind me. Maybe we can get some of the annoying Douche of the Year threads off the front page

oh man oh man oh man we are down to the top 7

You've no interest in a douche contest?

It's been done on here. Twice before.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Annual contests are done once a year, my brother. Although, there really doesn't seem to be as much douchiness here this year.

This post smells like vinegar water

Frazod isn't here to run those polls anymore.

Douche

Just took a look and saw that Big Smoke decided to take on that role.