That's racist.

Why? Doesn't everyone like biscuits and tea?

$#ITTY roast is still $#itty...

Good news. Jasonsauto is running a 4th of July sale to repair broken sarcasm meters.

You don't need to let me know how you're spending your day.

Bad news: it consists of the spit of deep cave nesting birds and moonshine with snakes in the bottle...

LMAO what would a snake look like drunk on moonshine?

...

http://www.funtim.com/wp-content/upl...snake-wine.jpg

WTF!?

OP needs to be updated.

Yes, I care.

"Has a reputation as a solid poster even though he is a bit long winded sometimes." - I do...?! And I'm long-winded? This is the first time I've ever heard that, fo sho.

That is pretty good considering only a third of his 3k posts have been read. Not true, home-diddly?! Three thirds of my posts have been read...by me....and maybe TimBone....and possibly Clay because the dude is capable of reading faster than anyone I've ever heard of.

The long winded ness extends to the bedroom as well. Mrs. Swaff often finishes before he can get it in. - This is true. I have decent bedroom endurance. And she often finishes before I can get it in because I rock the sack when it comes to foreplay.

Speaking of the Mrs. they met at a family reunion (don't worry she's a 2nd cousin). - Haha, we met at Perkins at 2 AM one night and I asked her to go check my bank poles on the river with me and she agreed and we caught like a 20 lb flathead. It was...fun. But I get the 2nd cousin reference and it is funny shit... I assume you are referring to the dude who beat me with brass knuckles...and how the next time I saw him was at a family reunion where we found out our grandmas were sisters. I can't believe you caught that...that was a post that Hootie responded with, "dude, I doubt a single person read that." I think milkman even posted what he labeled as his first "tl;dr." Hahaha.

They fell in love in typical Iowa fashion after he suplexed her on to his cock after the three legged race. - I have never disclosed this...how did you KNOW that??!?!!?!

Pros: Has a hot wife and a killer figure 4 leg lock. Thanks for the compliments on the lady, but 4 leg lock?!?!?! THAT'S NOT REAL!!! THAT'S NOT REAL WRASSLIN'!!!! GUHHH!!!! Also, how can you not include me being a die-hard Cardinal fan in this section?!?!?! I presume because I don't post much in the Cardinals megathread (there is a reason for that). I wouldn't be a Chiefs fan if it weren't for my love for the Cardinals and my hatred for the Cubs fanbase...which led to my hatred for Chicago Bears fans...which was the team my dad attempted to raise me into being a fan of. I became a Chiefs fan around age 7, when I started noticing that the Bears fans at school were the same Cubs fans kids I talked shit at school. I had a difficult time liking the Bears anyways...have been die-hard Chiefs ever since...1991 or so.

Cons: Probably doesn't want to get this one pregnant. ..just to be safe. - Haha, dude...I already have 2 daughters with her, ages 1 and 2. Both children really derailed our marriage plans. That's why I was engaged for 4 years before finally getting married.


Outlook: Learns to condense his posts, ends the year in the top 10 of post count as a result. Gets banned for calling frazod fat in a hundred a different ways. - Post-condensing is something I think I am incapable of. And I will never be banned, for my posts are too long...Phil doesn't bother to read them. That is the best way to avoid being banned if you feel the need to write bannable shit...post like me and you won't be banned. Phil will just tl;dr it. It's GENIOUS.

I thought this was funny, PGM. Good job.

^

great roast, great comebacks. didn't realize rico was gonna actually defend himself. nice :)

So what's going on in this thread?

It lost it's burst. It lost it's.......THIG LIFE!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. You could probably find a unique way to roast someone...you are like the funniest dude on the board.

I'll bet his keys will hardly press from all the crunchy crumbs in his board.
He sprained his finger one time trying to mash one down when it slipped on the greasy film.
Or the "clear coat" as he calls it.

Let me guess, he was eating a skeleton...? Or was he getting too reckless while humping one, like our hero, Tyler Thigpen?

Long John Silvers.
He is currently investing in talk to type so he doesnt have to put his rock fish fillets down.

LMAO

Yeah I did read the post about the brass knucks dude leading to that part of the roast. It won't let me add any more names to the op. I need mod help.

say ten

Not on the list

No shit. My Hootie roast blew the ****ing doors off of that "offering" PGM posted.

Racism.

I looked. I can't find the spot to add more characters to OP.

Sorry, but my Rico/Reighters roasts were gold. Not sure how many people got the inside jokes in them though.

http://assets.diylol.com/hfs/5af/c01...1330315978.jpg.

Dude, your Petegetz was tossed-off like a quickie in a pron arcade.

I demand justice.

This thing hasn't been doinked around with for a while.... I'm sure some of y'all can still spit out some good roasts.

I just wrote one on Direckshun....ugh, I like the freaking guy...but then again, if I didn't like the dude, I wouldn't roast him. He seems to have thick skin anyways.

Gimme a few seconds and it'll be posted.

Somewhere in the top 20: Direckshun

This guy is a character.

* I think Direckshun’s username is supposed to imply the word, “direction.” Considering the consistencies between radical liberals and hipsters, I’ve always just assumed he chose to spell his username the way he did because the man tends to possess a few “hipster” characteristics. If this is the case, I don’t get the "irony." The only irony I am able to pick up on is the fact that there seems to be a ton of DC lunatics on this forum who probably would like to put a scalding hot iron to his face.

* Direckshun, implying “direction.” It’s so ironic how his username seems open ended, for the “direction” isn’t specified in his username. As if there is any sort of mystery as to which direction this man tends to lean towards. In fact, the only “rection” associated with Direckshun that can be considered a mystery, is which gender gives him an E-rection. Anyways, you can figure out which direction Direckshun tends to lean toward, simply by spending a mere millisecond on the DC sub-forum. For those of you who still don’t know which direction this man leans towards, let me give you a hint: “It isn’t right. IT ISN’T ****ING RIGHT!!!!”

* It is a fact generally known by most CP users that Direckshun seems to have an obsession with the draft. Which is ironic, for if this were 1965, I’d fully expect Direckshun to be a draft dodger…and today he’d be spending his time mocking CFL shit. And if Direckshun were ever drafted by the Dodgers, his sole purpose on that team would be to stroke the pe….err, I mean ego of catcher, Mike Piazza before games, for Direckshun has semi-recently been very vocal regarding how enamored he is with catchers. “Catching” hits close to home with Direckshun, presumably because it can be considered symbolic or metaphorical in terms of the role he assumes in his own personal life.

* Despite the fact that I fully expect Direckshun’s eccentricities to eventually result in him doing something looney enough that will ultimately result in him being shunned from every school in the U.S.A. (with an exception of Catholic schools), he is, in fact, a teacher. So how has he spent his summer break so far? From what I’ve gathered via CP posts, Direckshun has spent the majority of his time playing soccer (and getting injured via twisting his knee in the wrong “direction” -DMAC), fantasizing about catchers and thinking about; George Zimmerman, Sarah Murnaghan, SCOTUS ruling on the Voting Rights Act, Eric Snowden, the GOP's immigration reform problem, the sins of the State Department, infrastructure investment, Syria, climate change, The Beveridge Curve, "The Five," GOP extremism, vol. XXCL, the Farm Bill cluster****, banking on "The Daily Show," and soda sin tax. Not only has he stated that he is “thinking” about these things, but he has gone “full rico” in terms of detailing his thoughts pertaining to every single one of these issues. It appears VERY time consuming. So time consuming, in fact, that I can’t help, but wonder how a mature, ball-loving man like Direckshun finds the time to find privacy, put his hand in his pocket, grab his tiny little utensil, grip his tiny little utensil and……draftabulate.

* I sure as shit hope you aren’t offended, Direckshun. I am only mocking you in good fun. Please don’t shun me, for I genuinely like you.

* Pro: gesterone levels that are abnormally high is what makes Direckshun the way she is.

* Cons: piracy theories that are glaringly anti-conservative.

* Future Outlook: After being shunned from all schools and while taking a break from creating mock drafts, Direckshun will post anti-conservative conspiracy theories that are fueled by the abnormally high levels of progesterone produced by her body.

Yeah, I love Direckshun as a poster...which is why I wrote, "somewhere in top 20," for he definitely isn't in the 60's range.

Applause, my good man. Applause.

Really??? Cool...I figured you'd be thick-skinned and I'm glad.

And I don't really have any disdain for your political views, rants, etc.....I was just trying to come up with whatever random "gags" or puns that I could.

what happens in DC stays in DC - or at least it should

I try really hard to not mix the DC views and antics with normal board antics. In DC, Direkshun annoys the hell out of me but on the main board he is an alright dude.

tldr I fired out my roasts in like 5 minutes

Didn't know that, homeslice.

Btw, irrelevant note...I just think of this every time I see you post. I remember a few thousand posts ago, you wrote something along the lines of being a pretty difficult poster to roast. You said something like, "yeah if someone tried roasting me, they'd be like, yeahhhh, loochy is..a guy....who....?" Man, you are totally right about that. You are always around and always putting your 2 cents in. Always yapping at people, sometimes getting people really worked up, which is usually pretty funny...but man, I have no idea how someone would roast you....the only thing that I've noticed that someone could maybe run with is some of the stuff you wrote about the past HGH use......but that's it...and you really didn't give much roastable info in that.

loochy, loochy, loochy. If someone is able to generate a successful roast on him, I'd be very impressed. So would loochy, I assume.

Poop taco

If all the political geniousi in DC want to change or shape this Nation in to their ideal, perhaps they should get off their bitching asses and run for office.

A lot of posters in DC should heed this advice.

then the midgets

Your obsession with being liked and accepted here makes me LMAO

I think you've perceived me incorrectly.

Meh, perhaps. You sure do seem to try awfully hard though.

rico, bevis is in need of a roasting

Haha, well I dont doubt I come off that way...looks like I need to start trying to not come off that way. :)

Bevischief eats a lot of popcorn.

Pros: Popcorn...aint nothin' wrong with that!

Cons: That asshole bogarts all the popcorn.

Future Outlook: Bevischief is going to eat a lot of popcorn.

This is your shortest post to date. Have a cookie

A snickerdoodle, please.

Nothing about midgets or Fargo....Fail. Redo that bad boy. bevis deserves better than that.

I'm willing to bet a fair number have.

LMAO I'm willing to bet not.

Comrade Crapski and Thatguy ran on a ticket together.

LMAO And I bet all of two people voted for them.

Simply Red is on the clock.