i know that.

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Why does everyone assume my PM's or reps would be any more entertaining than anyone else's? Because I'm a chick? Trust me. No one hits on me or talks dirty to me. I don't think anyone on here thinks of me like that.

Yes. There are some perverted twisted ****s on here.

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I think too many people are afraid that I'll post what they say on the board. However, me being open about my life doesn't mean I'm open about what I know about others.

I'll have to check it out. Always looking for new music.

Did Simply Red just call Luv "dude"? :spock:

Actually, that was about 45 minutes ago.

Oh yeah. I've been *ahem* busy.

I'm currently sifting through 15 pages of threads so I'll be here.

It's probably your purty mouth.

Shit. And the thread was doing so well.

KCJohnny is a closet homosexual. Most career soldiers are. They love all the palling around.

GOD DAMN IT WILL YOU PLEASE HATE SOMEONE. :cuss:

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If you like Thom Kash you must be new here.

I hate RedRum_69. I think that's about it.

LMAO So not right.

I just took a bath out of the sink.

What are you interviewing for?

Why? Because your mom loves him?

Are you saying you want some dirty talk?

eewwww. I don't want to picture that.:(

Well, you certainly have your work cut out for you.

He probably ripped it off the wall......sittin in the sink like it's a damn bird bath.

Depends on who it's from...lol.

Actually, no.

Uh huh.....everyone enjoys some dirty talk now and then.

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Dear Forum,

I live in Hollywood where I am one of the many out of work actors trying for his big break. Work is hard to come by out here. Without a good job, pussy is too.

One time I took a job cleaning pools. It was a good way to keep my tan and to see how the truly wealthy lived. Most of the time the people weren’t even home. I doubt they swam in the damn pool either but my paycheck cashed and I had free time for auditions.

One time I was cleaning a pool in the hills and the owner was around. She was an older woman, probably in her early 40’s. She looked pretty good for her age in a way that money helps. It was a hot day and I wasn’t wearing a shirt while I worked. She sat inside the house watching me. I first noticed her looking while I was getting chlorine she was in the kitchen looking out the window. Later when I was cleaning the bugs out of the filter I spotted her looking at me from the sun room.

After I had finished and before I left, she asked me if I wanted something cold to drink. I wanted something to drink alright. I agreed. I asked her if her husband was around. She said she was not married. She lived alone. I should have known, the place was as tidy as could be. It looked like Martha Stewart’s place.

My host asked if a number of clients come on to me. I told her that I had just started and that she was the first. I am not coming onto you! she stammered. She was embarrassed.

I am sorry, I can go I said.

No, please stay. She continued with I am all alone

I began to feel bad for her. She had obviously found success enough to afford this home yet she was still alone. I introduced myself as Jim. Her name was Tina.

Tina looked like an attractive woman. She was wearing white cotton pants, a long sleeve shirt, and white sneakers. She was very preppy and not really my type.

It has been a long time since I have been with a man She said. I didn’t know if it there had been women in the meantime or if she was trying to talk about her dry spell. I think she was alluding to a long bout of bad luck. I didn’t know what to say so I sat there silently.

Do you think I am attractive Jim? She asked.

I do. I think you look very nice in your outfit I said. Where the **** did I come up with that? Outfit? What was I thinking? Tina leaned over and started kissing me. It was a little awkward like a fifth grade spin the bottle kiss. She didn’t seem to know what she was doing. Soon though she opened her mouth a little and we explored each other with our tongues.

As we went down the hall to the bedroom Tina again said something about not being with someone in a long time. I didn’t know what to say so I just kept my mouth shut. Didn’t Ben Franklin once say it is better to keep your mouth shut and to be thought an idiot than to open it and not get laid? Either way I followed Tina to the bedroom.

I was already shirtless so I began to take off my shoes, socks, and pants. I was free-balling that day and I was very quickly naked. Tina gasped at my naked body. She was really staring at my penis.

I moved closer to her and started to remove her top. I tried to do this in a sensual way but it was a little clumsy. The neck of her top got stuck on her chin and for a while she looked like the loser in a hockey fight. While she was struggling to remove her top I noticed the wrinkled skin of her upper chest. I had only been with younger women at this point and this excess skin did not strike me as attractive. Soon her top was off and we were kissing again. I removed her bra. Fortunately, that went more smoothly. It wasn’t an Arthur Fonzarelli one-hander but it was close. Her breasts were small and fairly firm. I was very excited to touch them and she reacted positively.

I bent down to remove her pants. I gently nudged her to lay down on the bed while I wrestled her chinos off of her hips. I grabbed her panties at the same time and off it all went. I looked down to see what appeared to be 40 years worth of pubic hair growth. It looked as if a man with an afro had beat me to the cunnilingus portion of today’s event. I couldn’t believe the size of her bush. Damn, I thought, she needs to sleep with the guy that trims the ****ing hedges.

Regardless, I figured a woman like this was used to the best so I went down. It was a little uncomfortable with all of that hair but I managed to go under it and do my thing. She was very appreciative. So I guess it was worth it. Despite all of the strange things that I was experiencing my unit was ready to go. I slowly got on top of Tina and inserted my cock into her pussy. She cooed and moaned that it felt so good. It did feel good. I did my best to make love to her in a sensual way despite the fact that I didn’t know a thing about her. I wondered if this is how gigolos feel. Eventually, it seemed that Tina had enough. I thought of something erotic and got myself off.

When I was done Tina told me That was great but not in a very convincing fashion. I left the house soon afterward and drove home. The next week the boss told me I was fired. He said it just wasn’t working out.

Signed,
Pool boy.

LOL what the hell is that.

Dear Forum,

I am a hard working guy. I have read your magazine for years and never thought I would be able to write. Now I can.

One of my customers comes in all the time. She is a professional cook and housekeeper. Alice is a real looker. She comes in the store wearing her little house dress. I have fancied Alice for a long time. I am little shy though, so at first I would just make sure she got the best cuts of meat at my butcher shop. It wasn’t much but if I saw a great rib roast come through I would save it for my Alice.

Finally, one day I got the courage to ask Alice on a date. It was nice. I was really nervous so I wore my best suit and arrived at the house where she lived. She lived with a family of 8. It was a little uncomfortable meeting them all but I got through it OK. Our date went just swell and I finished by kissing Alice on the cheek. I was really smitten. Alice was a nice girl and I was happy to be her sweetheart.

One day my girl Alice came in the store. She wouldn’t need a rib roast next week because the family would be in Hawaii. "Could you bring over a hot sausage instead" Alice asked with a wink. I sure could.

After work on Friday I put on my bell-bottom jeans and my favorite plaid shirt and headed over. When I arrived Alice was wearing only her bloomers. She told me that she had a plan while her boss was away. Seeing her wearing next to nothing I was ready for anything.

Alice’s plan involved doing it in all of the beds in the house. We started with the bunk beds in the girls room, then we moved to the bunk beds in the boys room. Next we went in to her boss’s bedroom. They had an enormous bed. Alice said in her years working there she didn’t think they had ever used it for anything but reading and sleep. Alice thought her boss might be gay.

After we had soiled the sheets in the master bedroom we moved to the couch in the den. Making love in a two story room has always been a fantasy of mine. I told Alice it was just like being outside. Alice said she had more plans. Before I knew it, we were outside trying to fit in Tiger the dog’s house. Alice got down on all fours and tried to fit inside but I wouldn’t fit too. We had to settle for her sweet ass sticking out the door while I plugged her. Good thing they had a big fence around the back yard.

A couple of days later the Brady’s returned home and I haven’t seen that kind of action since.

Signed,
Sam The Butcher.

This is now the penthouse forum thread.

Well, Luv said she wanted some dirty talk.

LOL, did you think she'd enjoy a story about a chick with a huge bush?

I just bought this shirt......

http://www.cracksmokingshirts.com/ht...ucts/ass_t.gif

:shrug: I have no idea what she's in to.

That's so hot.

Shocking, huh?

with his little rubber ducky.:D

I don't want to know what he uses that for.

ROFLROFLROFLROFL

:spock:

I'd hate to be that duck!!

Why is that funny?

I really get off on ****ing domestic ladies. The kind that cook and clean. The older the better - although not too old, like badgirl, for instance. I would do anything for love, but I won't....do....that.

But seriously. ****ingthehelp.com or whatever. Let's make sloppy martian love in the back of my dune buggy!

Seems pretty small when you think about it...

This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where he gets a cleaning lady...they start ****ing all the time and dating...and she stops doing the housework when she comes over...but he keeps paying her...and he's like, am I paying for sex?

I think mostly it's the feeling of ****ing somewhere where you're not supposed to ****. That turns me on. I want to **** on the great wall of china and in old British castles.

Do it in a church....

You should try the front seat of a car for your first time. Then we can compare experiences. LMAO

That sounds......uncomfortable.

I think freecreditreport.com marketers are trying too hard. They're first three commercials were really good. The last two....not so much.

Secret Tiny Evel mating call?

That's hot, too. But hotter if it's raining outside, about 2pm, and the sky is a hazy gray. Also, backseat.

I wonder if he did those?

2am on some February night in 2004.

His mating call is the beer chug sound.

That's good, too. If it's at night I prefer no rain, though.

Now if you're ****ing in a creek, doggystyle, with her leaned up against a long tree limb, middle of the day is great, with sunlight streaming through the trees, or full moon at night is great, too.

hi

How YOU doin'?

I'll be outta here in 20 minutes. I haven't eaten since about 11am. I think I'm gonna run by Taco Bell for some tacos before going home.