I didn't know that. This is actually the first time I've ever heard the actual story. I guess I just assumed it was a "hold my beer" type moment from the way I've seen it referenced.

And figgy pudding?

I had to look that one up.

People really seem to wish it was, but alas, it wasn't. I was decocking the revolver after realizing it was a false alarm and my thumb slipped off the hammer. That's it. A mistake born of adrenaline and sleep deprivation, not a HEY Y'ALL WATCH THIS anger and booze thing. A little spackle, a little bondo, some paint and a new pantry door and you'd never know it happened at all.

Had I not foolishly posted about it immediately thereafter.

Pointless.

In my extensive time getting drunk around white people, I'd say the only thing missing here was someone- ANYONE- wanting to wrestle.

White people love to wrestle when they're drunk.

That's how they get ThaAidsVirus :evil:

Born there, lived there several years, and you wear a monocle = BRITISH

He's so British that he needs to wear glasses but opts to wear two monocles instead.

Are you chaps trying to get a rise out of me? If so, it won't work. But, I'll present this:

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/rd1Fan1pByw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

His BFF, Clay thinks he is hysterical. Clay would have taken turns superplexing the table with Rick had he been in attendance.

It's super irritating.

I thought monocles were a German thing.

Too much Hogan's Heroes, I guess. :shrug:

1.) We know we can't get a rise out of you because you are British and we all know that British folk don't "rise."

2.) You said "chaps." That's British.

Okay.

fyp

Guess you had to be there.

Do you fully comprehend the midwest English dialect?

I don't know man....

I guess you'd have to have been there...it pretty much summed up my relationship with the "stop" girl.

I'm sorry my video was unimpressive. I thought it might have gotten a few laughs. I was wrong. Oh well.

I think what tooge is saying is that EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO WERE THERE WERE UNIMPRESSED. First you have girlfriend who is attempting to physically restrain you from being a db (how did that relationship not work out?). Then the other bystanders are like, "OMG, it's time to go!" From the video, it appears as though those people were actually there but maybe there was some trick photography in play.

If you had accidentally tripped and broken the table and/or if you would have been injured while breaking it, I think that would have probably been funny. Doing it on purpose just seems stupidly obnoxious.

After the second barefooted kick, I was cheering for giant shards of wood to embed themselves deeply in his foot.

Why do people care so much about hootie? It's like grown men are going about their lives pissed off that hootie (a guy they will never meet) exists.

He's got an inflated opinion of himself, and doesn't really have to answer to anyone. I'm pretty sure there's nothing that a guy on a message board can say to change either of those things.

It's time to let it go...at the very least, move ahead to the next stage of the Kubler-Ross model. Denial hasn't worked. Anger is only making it worse. Have you considered bargaining? It won't work either, but it will bring you a step closer to acceptance.

that was a wal-mart table

if you think it was wood, you're nuts

it was cardboard

I guess you missed the line where someone said "he's so funny Megan"

which is fine

I agree the context of the video, if you weren't there, probably wasn't that funny

I watch it and laugh...because I was there. The table incident probably wasn't funny...whatever. I was the house comedian. I can't help it. People appreciate me. Younger people.

I apologize in advance for being hilarious.

hootie's lamenting the fact that he flamed out on the list and so he's trying to get back to the center of attention another way.

Why do you care so much about what people think about Hootie? It's like you're his personal white knight.

I was cheering for a papercut then.

here you go Phil...this is for you. This is me breaking a plate over my roommate's head 4 years ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=seJdOUv5TR4

Yeah, had he impaled his foot with a nice three or four by one inch piece of sharp wood, then yes, I would have laughed. Instead, Hootie, this video fits well with the Darwin award videos. This just "happened" to you a year ago? Your life won't seem so funny to you at some point.

Hootie did mention that his dad lives in Kansas....... :hmmm:

boxers, socks and boxing gloves

just another day in the life

That was kinda fun. I can dig inflicting pain on one another. A buddy of mine and I used to hit golf wiffle balls at one another at 10'. The welts were epic.

again, not funny. Moronic. Keep em coming Darwootie.

Yeah.

Here is a funny story about the "stop girl" aka my ex.

So about a week after the table incident...her parents were coming down for a "game day" (Illini football...no one cares so you just wake up at 8 AM and start getting ****ed up)

All of her friends were like "so Megan...how do you feel about your parents meeting Rick?"

Of course she was concerned. I'm me.

So uh...yeah. By about 10 AM...I was already 5 car bombs deep. I had already been kicked out of a bar.

So about 3 PM I meet her parents. Things go really well. Kind of. Her last boyfriend was a mute around the parents so they appreciated me actually talking to them and being somewhat personable.

6 PM.

Wasted. I'm so drunk...we're basically both passed out on her couch...and legend goes...somehow I had a bloody nose. I have no idea why. So I'm sitting on her couch, picking 'bloody boogars' out of my nose...and wiping them on her arm.

In front of her parents.

anyone care to guess why I'm always single?

I have a lot of fun Megan stories. She put up with a lot of shenanigans. We're still quite fond of one another.

The potential for blood and injury does make it slightly more interesting.

Maybe because it gets old reading thread after thread of you nipping at his heels.

Next day my brother-in-law comes to pick us up (the dude I smashed the plate over is the brother of my brother-in-law)...

he knocks and enters with my then 1 year old nephew...

and I'm like...nooooooooo

and he's like what?

and I'm like don't let him walk in here...there is glass EVERYWHERE

he's like why?

I'm like...don't ask.

Sister and brother-in-law were not amused that I was breaking large plates over his head...

Of course...this is the same guy we told that if you spin a dime around in a glass bottle it'll break over your head really easily...so he tried. And fail ensued.

sister and bro-in-law were pissed

were like...

what if he had died?

to which I had no answer

oh p.s.

"stop girl" and I stopped dating when she figured out I had accidentally made out with her roommate

it was a regrettable mistake

I would like to break a plate over the hoot's head. I have a very good plate in mind too.

I thought only girls did the "and I was like" thing.

By all means. Play on.

I think my favorite part of the table video is when I'm using the leg as a penis and ex tries to stop me and I instinctively swat her arm away

I was at 'my bar' recently...

and my friend told me I had to retire this line

so I was super in with this girl....like totally in

eating up everything I said

so naturally, I bust out the following line:

"So I was charged with rape once..."

shocked reaction

"oh but don't worry, I was acquitted."

Another word was not said between us.

I don't want to get patronizing on you or anything... but I will:

You're already, by your own admission, heading into the creepy older dude who hangs around with young people realm. It's still working for you, but there's going to come a point where it won't work anymore and you'll truly be the creepy older dude who still thinks he's 21.

I have quite a few friends (many of them who are musicians) who worked this route for quite a few years (I'll confess I was sometimes jealous of them, because they were living fun, carefree lives and often with young, hot chicks) ... but now they're in their mid to late 30s, and they're pretty pathetic.

They work odd jobs, have zero professional experience, and no women in their peer group who are worth dating are very interested in them. They've also passed the age of being appealing to the younger chicks. Most of them now have substance abuse (alcohol or other things) issues and just seem live a pretty sad existence.

It sounds like you're heading in the right direction with your work and such, but just have a little bit of thought about planning for the long term.

Not really. I do find some of your stuff funny, but you may have run out of material.

This is funny.

Because I tell my roommate the same thing (who is in a serious relationship and jealous of my absolute freedom.)

I had a meltdown when I turned 28. I said, and I quote:

"Dude, 27 was bad enough. 28? These girls are going to start hearing my age and just freaking out. I literally have like 1.5 years left before I have to grow up because 22 year olds will only go so far."

I mean. The chant at my ex's was consistently 27! 27! 27! When her younger sister was over with all of the 19 year olds some of them were legitimately creeped out. People couldn't believe I was 27.

I just have SO MUCH more fun with that age group. The current girl I'm "seeing" is...you guessed it. 22.

The line I generally have to use is this:

"OMG YOU'RE 28!?!"

Yeah. Hey. Question? How old is your mom?

"45."

Oh. Cool. How old is your dad?

"52."

Oh. Ok.

Usually goes right over their head.

A lot of times I do the "hey when I'm 90 you'll be 85."

That's effective.

Yeah, wiping boogers on her arm in front of her parents isn't amusing. Banging her in a hottub in front of her parents and yours would be.

I am never out of material. I have a new story every week. That's what happens when you drink Tuesday-Sunday.

I still can't figure out why my degenerative ways effect so many people on this board.

I'm a realist. I realize I'm ridiculous. I realize I have sociopathic tendencies. Doesn't effect anyone on this website other than yours truly.

It's not that it was funny.

It's that it was so ridiculous it's sad. An impression maker, I am.

Here is an excerpt from a study about nose bleeds and alcohol consumption. Since you "have no idea why":

Arterial nose bleeds in adults are serious and potentially life threatening whose cause is undertermined in 85% of cases.3 Our finding that alcohol is an important causal factor in nose bleeds is supported by the growing evidence of the cardiovascular ad cardiorespiratory effects of alcohol. Regular alcohol consumption reduces platelet aggregation and prolongs the bleeding time; these effects, coupled with haemodynamic changes such as vasodilatation and changes in blood pressure, may be important in causing some cases of arterial nose bleeds in adults.4,5 While the cause of nose bleeds in adults is likely to be multifactorial, the importance of high alcohol consumption should not be overlooked, and a detailed alcohol history should always be obtained.


You're funny.

Interesting. Thanks.

Ah! Enlightening.

When I was 23 I bet a girl I could black myself 31 days in a row (I won.)

After this I noticed I would wake up and spit up a bunch of blood. I realized this wasn't healthy.

I went to the doctor and she was like..."well tell me about your drinking habits."

To which I explained that I, well, drink...a lot.

She then proceeded to hand me a bunch of pamphlets and told me to stop drinking.

I went to a wedding that night, got obliterated, spit up a bunch of blood in the morning, and banged a co-worker.

RESPONSIBLE, I AM

You're absolutely right that your degenerative ways effect nobody on this board and you are free to act however you wish, but you aren't a realist. You are self-aware in that you realize that your actions are not considered normal, but that doesn't make you a realist. Realists aren't raging alcoholics because alcohol is an escape from reality.

I call it my 3 beer trigger.

I LEGITIMATELY do not want to drink most nights. I hate it. I don't really even like beer that much.

but, I've learned, I have a 3 beer trigger.

I have to gag down 36 ounces of beer...but after that 3rd beer...all of the sudden, no matter how terrible I felt, I start to feel really good.

I can be sick, I can be hungover, anything...

after 3 beers...a triggering occurs. And I'm ready for anything.

I love my 3 beer trigger.

If you want to make 40 you'll one day trade your three-beer-trigger for a twelve-step-program.

You really don't like yourself, do you Hootie.

I'm not a raging alcoholic though. I'm real about that.

I drink because I find drinking to be fun. I moved to Dallas and hardly drank at all. I had no friends and no reason to drink.

Drinking is purely social with me. You can believe what you want. I don't really care if people on this board consider me a drunk rapist. Whatever. Think what you want.

If I had ANY REASON IN THE WOLRD to stop drinking I would stop and never miss it. Ever. Alcoholism isn't in my family. It's purely a genetic disease.

My infatuation with alcohol is the social lubricant aspect. When I'm at the right level of drunk I'm outstanding. I'm a witty drunk. The problem is I don't have an off switch.

I'm sober, sober, sober, sober, sober...DRUNK. Like that. There is no in between.

It is what it is. I'm real about it. I'm amazingly content with my life right now.

NewChief is right...if I'm still doing this at 35...I'm probably going to be amazingly depressed.

Nah. I don't need a program.

What I probably need is actual responsibility. Cheer that I get a girl I don't hate pregnant...that would probably be my 12 step.

If ChiefsPlanet wants to chip in and give me a 12 month incentive not to drink, I'll do it. I'm thinkng $20K ought to do the trick.

For $20K, I'll prove to the entire board I'm not an alcoholic.

Right now...there is no incentive for me not to drink.

I get a lot of vagina, I have a lot of fun, and it's literally the only thing to do in Champaign.

I think it's actually the opposite. I probably think WAY too highly of myself.

Yeah. I have a friend who has a two bag trigger. He wakes up and often feels like shit. Then he scores a couple of bindles of heroin. Shoots two bags, then he feels awesome no matter how shitty he felt earlier. He loves his two bag trigger... at least he better since he gets to suck a lot of dick to score those two bags.


Once again, far be it from me to judge you as I drink a lot myself... but damn dude. There also comes a point, regardless of how much fun it is and how much you feel you can quit whenever, that your body will physically need the alcohol (it sounds like you're actually already there). Then quitting isn't a game, and it won't be easy.

well why do you think I don't do drugs, and never have?

I'd probably like them too much and I'd probably be dead before I was 30.

Yeah. Most drunks think they picked their nose or hit something that caused it to bleed when in fact, it is the alcohol.

I'll take you at your word, but the "I don't need to drink. I just do it to be social." line sounds exactly like every alcoholic I've ever encountered. I don't worry about you because I don't know you, but IMO if you keep up this lifestyle until your well into your thirties your depression will be severe enough that it will require much therapy to keep you from hanging yourself in a closet.

I don't know what to tell you guys. I understand the judgment. It's fine.

But I'm not an angry drunk. I don't beat women. I don't break into houses. I don't steal. I pay my tabs. I tip well. I show up to work every day.

...I mean. Come on. Some of you smoke cigarettes. That's awful.

I was about to say I don't judge smokers but I do. So I'm trying to be less hypocritical.

But I'm not. I am telling you.

I needed a break from Champaign.

I moved to Dallas.

I literally didn't drink or go out for 6 straight months. I worked NON-STOP and never had the desire to drink a beer. This was less than a year ago.

Ben-Wa balls.

I guess I'm an exception to the rule.

Seriously.

If there was ANY REASON for me to quit this lifestyle right now I would. And it wouldn't be hard.

I'm not just saying that. I know that. I already did it. Just to try it. And I was content. I went to Top Golf a lot and hit on the waitresses.

well now at least I understand the nose bleed that day...

One reason to quit would be your health. I had a grandfather die of liver cirrhosis because of his excessive drinking over an extended period of time. That is not something you want to go through.

The good news for Hootie is it's 3:00. His support group should be getting out of class about now.

LMAO

OH, and I'm not trying to be too critical. I go out with the fellas about once a month, have a few beers, and shoot the shit. Then, about 3 times a year, usually at a bbq or tennis match, I get really plastered with several pals. But doing it Tuesday through sunday sounds like problem drinking to me. You are wrecking your liver right now. Also, you never know when you are going to do something, ala jumping onto a table, and actually hurt yourself worse than you wish you had.

oh well that can't happen to me because of *insert excuse here*

What else is there to do in the Midwest ?

When I lived there, that's all those ****ers ever did.

one time

it was probably -20 degrees outside

FREEZING

I get to my apt at about 1 AM...my friends are still out

I'm SO drunk.

I don't have my keys (or so I thought)...so I have no way of getting in. I'm ****ed. So the genius that I am...I try kicking through my living room window. (I figured this out later). Apparently it didn't work.

So I'm like..."****." So I was like fine...I'm going to fall asleep outside and my roommate will drag me in when he gets home. So I put my hands in my pocket for warmth and I find my keys.

...

3 days later the mailman knocks on the door and he's like "hey you know your window is like shattered, right?"

so I go look...

apparently I was more successful than originally thought

Yep.

Oh well. I guess if I croke you guys will get rid of a lot of unnecessary drama. Win/win.

What is there to do anywhere else?

Do the activities you like to do. Some people just like to drink.

Meh, people make too much of a deal over age. And I personally think there are plenty of girls in their early twenties who are secretly (and many times openly) attracted to older men...all the way to 45 or so.

I dated this girl for a couple weeks when I was 18 years old... I swear, she wanted my dad's nut's more than she wanted mine...and I was looking pretty damn good around that time. She wouldn't ever stop talking about how sexy she thought he was...and he was 40...and bald....and had been bald since he was in his early to mid twenties. At that point, he had close to zero hair on top of his head...had one of those little "strips" that went around his head.

Age is over-dramatized. Considering things don't get sick/illegal, age ain't nuttin' but a thang.

http://concreteplayground.com.au/_sn.../wooderson.jpg